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When my ex and I broke up, we emailed back and forth several times and I repeatedly said that I forgave her for her actions, knew that wasn't who she really was, and hoped that she would (in kinder words) basically get her ___ together and come back to me. During our relationship she had hinted multiple times at the fact that nobody had ever loved her as unconditionally as I did, so I felt like by reminding her of this and letting her know that it was still true, it might lead to a reconciliation in the future. Now I realize how silly that was.

My question is, but saying those things, did I seal the deal that she will never try to reunite? If I wanted that, would it have been better to basically say eff you? I just feel so conflicted. (FYI, she was not diagnosed with BPD but I am pretty confident about it... .she thinks her behavior was totally normal).

Hey Abv 

I'm really sorry to hear about your breakup, and I get it, it can feel pretty awful when you offer someone forgiveness but it doesn't lead to reconciliation. I'm in a similar spot. I have forgiven my wife and have made that clear to her, but it hasn't lead to reconciliation. Forgiveness to me is about recognizing the inherent dignity in the person in front of me. By forgiving my wife, I was making it clear that I recognize and honor her dignity, even if I don't condone her actions.

The fact that you offered your ex forgiveness is such a gift - to both of you. Did it seal the deal? I'm not sure you'll ever know. It's possible that your forgiveness was the thing she needed to move on and break an unhealthy pattern that she was creating, instead of digging herself in deeper. Again, I'm not sure you could know this for sure.

I guess I want to ask you this though: how would it have felt to "basically say eff you?" Is this how you feel? If so, no harm in thinking it and maybe even saying it (though, perhaps more gently). If not, then why say it?

Being in a relationship with someone with BPD can make you feel like you're walking on eggshells and can have you second guessing your every reaction. I've found that for me, the only thing keeping me somewhat sane is staying true to my values. That's meant re-learning them and opening my eyes to ways to live them. For me, if telling my wife something I didn't actually believe or feel would bring her back, I'm not sure I could live with myself (let alone her) under those circumstances. That's just my code though. I won't pretend to know yours, but I would encourage you to think about it. Who are you? What do you value? How can you make sure no one takes those things away from you?

Do you still hope for reconciliation and do you have any reason to believe there might be hope?

Oddly and I don’t know why I said this but I chose to tell her “I understand this is how you are and it’s ok,I just can’t be part of it”... .she kinda said goodbye in a kind way after so I take it I wasn’t painted black... she just folded her cards and accepted it was over .Made me feel kinda empty and bad that I left her but at the same time in the last three weeks I got this feeling that’s what she wanted.

I don’t know why I feel worse having written that ,? I guess in a way I wish I’d of know and educated myself on BPD at the beginning maybe I could have saved us  although I don’t think it would have stopped any cheating.

Shawn - that sounds like a solid boundary to me: "I understand, but I can't be part of it." Your understanding of BPD would have likely helped in a lot of ways (mainly probably for you), but ultimately she's the one that has to get help and want to get help. I knew about BPD before marrying my wife, but it didn't save me. The last time I learned about it though, I wasn't trying to repair something and I really felt like it was for the best that this person was gone, as much as it killed me. Therefore, I never invested in learning some of the tools I learned here. I wish I would have - I might have saved us some really hard moments. But, we also might not have lasted as long as we did, or who knows, might not have even gotten married. It's easy to imagine any number of things looking back. It's harder to create the life I want going forward - but that's where my work is now. I like the way you said it - I understand, but I can't be part of it.

It's so recent.

I read that pwBPD need structure.

Maybe we give them space, maybe text something light.

Maybe send a pic of us at a happy moment.

For me, it's big picture.  I cannot let myself get caught up in any one conversation, email, etc.

We are the strong ones.

Keep on keeping on.

I have a cat, she must have been traumatized in her past.  She may be borderline.  She has had a solid home for 7 years, and still her early experiences, weigh in, she is skittish, runs away from closeness.  It's nothing to do w me.

All i need to do is be who I authentically am.

Remember who you are.  You are wonderful, loving and kind.

take hood care,

juju

Well, after many emails where I was very nice and forgiving, I did have a freak out one day after finding out about the new girl where I sent her a text basically saying I wish she never met her and she ruined my life. I immediately felt badly and apologized which she never responded to. Sometimes I feel like I'm the BPD one because I would get so angry about the way she acted and explode and then immediately regret it. But it was always in response to her behavior. I think that is the crazy-making part of it.

She definitely wanted everything to be light and fluffy, and any attempt at talking about something serious she would shut down. So I don't know why I even bothered trying to write anything deep and meaningful. I'm sure it meant nothing to her. It probably would have been better if I had just agreed to friendship and gone on having a superficial relationship with her, but I think I had too much self-respect for that. I can't pretend everything's fine when it's not.

I think part of me will always hope for reconciliation. But I also think she lacks the intelligence and self-awareness to ever get the help she needs. I'm terrified she'll make it work with someone else and I'll be left feeling like it was me all along.

abv221,

I don't pretend to know if your forgiveness will bring her back.  I don't know that forgiveness has the power to do this, we can't make others do things they don't want to do.  The only people we truly control are ourselves.

I don't believe forgiveness is ever a mistake.

I think of forgiveness in a different way.  I think it is in part about the other person, but it is also about us.  You forgiving someone that hurt you says something about you... .about the kind of person you are. 

I also found forgiveness helped me let go of someone I loved very much.  He was my first love and I carried around my love for him for over 25 years.  We were together from age 16 - 25 and I thought this was who I would marry. He cheated and we broke up (cheating was a deal breaker for me).  I was heartbroken and I stuffed all of my feelings for him. (I learned many things the hard way because I never processed this relationship  ) 

Fast forward 20 years and we got in touch.  He told me how much I meant to him when we were together all of those years ago... .all of these feelings surfaced in me and came pouring out I thought it was just love, but there was so much more... .pain, anger, disappointment... .I came to realize that to be friends I needed to forgive him and I did.  I never told him this, it was for me.  I was able to finally let go of all the feelings that I had stuffed for years. 

Time showed me that as a partner he would have never been right for me... .he was a commitment phobe and serial womanizer, at 48 he had never been married, I had been the longest relationship he had ever had.  As a 16 year old I was his first relationship so there was no history there to evaluate but if I had met him as an adult I would have never pursued anything with him.  That said because of forgiveness I can recognize who he is and who he was and I can love who he was without being in an unhealthy relationship with him today.

Sometimes no matter how much we love someone they aren't the right person for us.

Rather than focusing on your ex and trying to control her and what she does, try to focus on you.  Coming here and talking about how your feeling is great (that's were I went wrong... .I stuffed and didn't talk about how I was feeling), try and do the things that make you happy and feel good, try and get in some exercise that can help both your body and your mind.  Take care of you 

Panda39

I just left my exBPD a voicemail. Literally. I told him I was sorry for two emails I sent him. In those emails, I just went OFF... .this was months ago, but suddenly felt the urge to apologize (despite his abusive behavior.) my heart is still pounding from doing it.

I don’t think forgiveness is a bad thing. Or apologizing. I think, if anything, it’s a positive thing. I didn’t like the anger that overtook me for some months- it was someone I truly didn’t know, reacting to everything with such hostility because of him... .If you are authentically able to forgive her, then I see that as a positive thing. You don’t have to hold onto anything this way.

I hope I can add something helpful here, but I don't know... .I've been in a state of darkness until I entered a very confused state associated with the forgiveness topic.  And the number of times I've forgiven BPDbf over the last 4.5+ years. 

I do realize now that the "I apologize" were just words to him, like all the other words that fell empty to the floor.  Not once did he ever ASK for forgiveness.  Or express true remorse for his actions.  There IS a difference.

I have been NC with him since 2/16, when he had a series of rages right after my closest friend passed away suddenly.  He naturally issued his standard one sentence apology for his horrendous actions, but I just couldn't bite this time.  Something was different in ME.  He  thinks I am taking space.

I made a post under the Conflicted Board titled "the Delusion of Forgive and Forget".  That was on about March 19th.  I was too weak to respond to the dear people here.  Then I came back to life filled with emotion and almost did a full written "confessional" of many things I forgive him for.  I just had to write it somewhere.  So I Added it to that post two days ago.  All from memory, with no time to think it through.  I wasn't angry when I wrote it.  Talk about cathartic and healing.  My wake-up.

And last night, the only other friend who knows anything asked me to read it to her.  My anger intensified as I read it out loud over the phone.  And 90% of what my BPD relationship involved was previously unknown to her.  Big secrets.

Maybe give that a read, if you have the time.  And then consider writing your own confessional and see how YOU feel.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

Hello, abv221!

How are things going since the last time you shared?

We're here if you need to talk.


-Speck

if you think about it, how does not forgiving help? By not forgiving is to not bring about closure. I was guilty of this very much not just with my BPDx but other people in the past. All that it did was cement my own impression of myself as a perpetual victim of injustice, and the bitterness that is associated with it. If you can manage to not forgive and at the same time, not have these negative feelings, then thats fair enough. I personally got kept in a state of anger and hatred and wishing bad thoughts of what should happen. once I 'forgave' which happened almost automatically, was more about myself knowing that I wanted to draw a line under all of what happened, brush her off my shoulder and show that what she did will not hold any more power over my emotions, and allow me to think of other things more important, such as my future which will not involve any resenment thoughts towards her.