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Long story short, after some bad choices on my part, I confided in someone that I thought my wife had BPD. Well it got back to my wife that I said something to this person and as we know people with BPD can usually detect lies well and she wanted to know what I said. I went the honest route and told her as I knew she would catch a lie and would probably find out anyways.
Aher reaction was that she wanted to know why I thought this and I proceeded to give her examples, each one of which she gave a reason as to who she acted the way she did. It ended with her telling me she thinks I'm crazy and that I may be a narsacist (something my therapist disagrees with)

Know that I love my wife and would love for her to be able to get healthy (and I know I cannot fix her) but thought honesty was best in this situation. My question is can a pwBPD regain trust after something like this and see that when I compliment her that I mean it and that I do really love her (despite the fact that some of my actions have been a bit reactive right now, something I am really trying to work on.

Feeling frustrated, thanks for your insight.

Hi Dad.

I read through your previous posts. Your situation has a lot of moving parts. So I might need to stress that I'm responding to this specific question only, and basing it off my own experiences.


People generally don't like being told something is wrong with them, especially if there's a stigma attached to it.

I've tried talking to my wife about BPD. It never ended well. When she's bad, I have never even been able to point out specific symptoms without her getting angry. Mostly because at that time, she's already frustrated/anxious and wants to be heard/understood; not told she's to blame for anything. The typical response... ."Yeah, it's always my fault!"

If I stop rocking the boat and wait, she will normally apologize for blowing up. It could be a few hours or a few days. But I noticed enough of a pattern where I'm confident I can just swallow her surreal and/or accusatory comments and that it will eventually correct itself.

Her dad died almost exactly a year ago, and things have been really rough since. At some point, I straight-up told her that if she wouldn't talk to me about her issues, then I was leaving permanently. I yelled it (bad idea), but I meant it (truthfully).

I found a book sitting on my computer a couple weeks later. "Stop Walking on Eggshells." One of the go-to books for people with a BPD partner. Her silent admission. She eventually started giving me heads-up when she wasn't feeling right or when a possible trigger was coming up on the calender. Basically, in one month, we went from me d--kishly throwing down the gauntlet to her finally sharing. You know, instead of her digging in her heels and telling me to just leave.

So if you notice that your wife tends to snap back relatively well from her bad episodes... .then yes, it's technically possible you could regain her trust. Your mileage may vary.

-ngu

My former spouse found out that I thought she might suffer from it after finding "Stop Walking on Eggshells" hidden in my office while there one day. Still wonder occasionally why she was searching my drawers. I got it back with the margins filled with her commentary (at least she read parts of it). I never gave up the therapist who privately told me to get the book. In all our years I never told her I thought she had BPD but the damage was done. She had the goods. Used it against me for many years.

So as we've continued our road trip, she said essentially making jokes about me thinking she is "mental" and doesn't think that a person who loves her could actually think she has BPD because that isn't love - I didn't point out that this is a pretty typical response for someone with BPD as is essentially saying our 11 years together we're essentially full of all bad and no good. I know that I will never be able to "fix" her and I don't want to - I love her for who she is, flaws and all. It will be interesting to see what happens after we are back home from this road trip and things are back to routine.

So we are back, and the walls are definitely up. I will be the first to admit that our road trip across the country was an impulsive decision on both of our parts, but the trip still had many good moments. After coming back to my place from work yesterday (she lives in a studio in the next town over) she was there doing laundry and was very cold towards me. When I tried to talk with her, she let me know that she was angry and frustrated and felt betrayed that I would talk about her behind her back to her friend's husband. With the way she is acting, I feel as if I may have made a major mistake in being honest with her in telling her what I told our friend (that I think she may have BPD) when she asked me. Seeing her making all these new friends and moving on with her life is so hurtful to watch.

I admire the heck out of that.  I wish I could feel the same about mine.  I do love her but if there was a chance I could fix some of her issues boy would I.