BPDFamily.com

It's a while since I posted - still living the same life - an angel one minute and the devil the next. I keep dreaming about a brave new life - but for now I have much to deal with.

She did a post grad degree last year in a subject she always dreamed about - translation.

So she passed with D and is fully qualified.

The problem is - she cant seem to make it work and has not done a single paid job since she qualified - that is 6 months. There seems to be vast armies of translators looking for work prepared to translate for almost free. The only work she does is pro bono.

I supported her aspirations in many ways - as much practical help - proofreading her work etc - no easy task - giving her lifts and listening to her ideas.

Since qualifying she had tried and tried to find work - built a website, joined local chamber of commerce, professional organisations etc - at considerable expense and she is more or less running up credit card debt hoping for her first client.

It is dispiriting and on top of this of course she is pwBPD.

I find her sometimes sitting on the bed looking depressed and beyond kind words from me I have no idea how to help her. I run a business myself - but I wouldn't want to be lumbered with making a living out of translation.

Last week we had a huge row over, of all things, ink cartridges. She has designed some ink heavy promotional material and insists on using original cartridges - she has effectively spent $200 on originals printing out material - the printer is just a cheap home epson and now the magenta cart wont print out properly no matter how much we clean the heads. As much as I want to support her - I find it hard to stand by watching her make irrational and damaging financial choices. She started blaming me saying I have ruined all her positive energy for her professional plans. Well I threw a ton of money at original cartridges and it took a few days for her to gradually get focused again. She's just called me today from a big event telling me that nobody wants to take her promotional materials and she is being asked for her business card instead. So it was all one huge waste of money.

I fear that she will sink into deep depression over these continual failures and really dont know how to support her.

Why not ask her directly?

I would stay away from mentioning failures or why you believe she needs support.

"Hey... .you have been working really hard lately.  How can I best support you?"

Leave it at that. 

Most likely she really appreciates the kind words... much more than she will or can acknowledge.

FF

Thanks - yes I agree - I always tell her that her hard work will pay off the in the end.

I would shift your words a bit.

Here is the thing... .you don't know this and it may not.  Your wife may never earn a dime at this.

What if you said "I'm proud of all your hard work.  It really means a lot to me."

It's 100% true.

It makes it about her, you and the relationship.

Thoughts?

FF

I tried your suggestion.

She just said - dont make it worse.

We had another long chat today about this and she went deeply into depression over it - saying she is too old to find any work (she is 42) also blaming me for not forcing her out to start a career when we married (uh excuse me - I tried suggesting she build a career but at the time all she seemed to want to do was have a child and focus on the child)

after the chat - she raged about the house before calming down.

well good news and bad news

she has just had her first paid job - seems to have come at the right time.

but last night when she printed off the invoice - she was pissed off that the color is printing poorly - I said this is because the printer has been overused for colour printing.

this resulted in her going furious - when this happens the dog attacks me and I have to focus on avoiding being bitten - I smothered it in a pullover and we ended up brawling on the floor - I had to flee to my office to avoid further dog bites

I slept on the floor as usual when there is a row

morning now and she has "forgiven me"

So... I assume that that the unsafe dog is being taken to the vet today to be put down... right?

Is it possible that I read this to mean the dog has bitten you before?

I'll hush before saying much else to make sure I have this right.

FF

It's a toy poodle - lovely dog and we get on great. But when the wife gets upset so does he. If she leaps at me or throws a punch, kick - he will have a go to. Yes I have been nipped now and again. It's not serious. Do I want him put down - no.

I know that you don't want to put him down... .but are you really going to go on for the rest of the dogs life knowing he is a biter?

When he bites a child... .then what?  

I get it this is off topic from bpdfamily... .but... dogs that bite... will continue to bite.  They are not lovely... they are dangerous

Have you gone to a veterinarian... .explained that your dog is a biter... .and asked for their professional opinion?  

Perhaps it can be corrected... .perhaps not.

I am friends with several vets... .and have professional relationships with a number of them as well.  100% of them advocate this viewpoint.  The viewpoint being... .biting dogs are dangerous... period.  

I'm retired military and have had a couple executive jobs as county manager.  So "animal control" was one of my departments.  There are a shocking number of dog bites and "more often than not"... the stories sound very much like yours.

Lovely dog... .just bites every once in a while... .then a child's eye gets destroyed... .or nose... .or some other permanent disfigurement.  

After that, there is a disfigured child, a family with legal consequences and a family that wished they hadn't been accepting of a biting dog.  

I hope you are never in a position of "wishing" you had done the past different about your dog...

Please get your dog professional evaluated for safety... .and follow the advice of the examining veterinarians... .make sure this is not a "passing opinion", but the vet is giving their professional opinion about the safety of your animal... .perhaps put it in writing.

I get it you may need that in writing if your wife is not onboard with following a vets advice.

FF

Thanks for your comments about the dog.

I have discussed this with the wife - we rarely take him out for a walk (we have a good sized garden) and we tend not to let children come near him. Obviously he is small - about 12 inches at the muzzle - and while we dont consider him to be a significant threat we do take precautions to ensure that children are not at risk. (ie we pick him up if any child shows interest)

he is very territorial and will jump at the legs of any delivery people that come into the garden, not bite, and we try to ensure he is inside if there is a delivery due.

As I said already - his mood tends to mirror my wife's mood - she is all sunshine and light when we are out of the house and there are other people around, so I am not particularly worried.

It's unlikely I will be in this marriage for more than 2 years more so I wont have to endure it for much longer.

So she has had her first job, for money - not charity. Not a big job, but a start. There's some relief in the household.

But now she has gone and done something silly - she never asked my advice - I dont volunteer it either and in this case I kept quiet as she would accuse me of clipping her wings.

There is a government directory for businesses like hers - and she wanted to list her services there. Just one catch - only limited companies can apply. Would you believe she started a limited company, just to get on this directory! I have been a small trader for 30 years - had a LTD once but never again. It's too much hassle for a small one man business. Now the official paperwork is starting to arrive and it had dawned on her what she has done. It is of course - not a major issue - but I think she should have avoided it.

Our son is starting college (university) in september and she is starting to ask me how I see our future together.

What do you tell her about your future?

What does she say about the future?

I'm assuming with the kid starting university... that means that all kids are out of house?

FF

I told her I wasnt sure about the future - not that I dont want to be with her - just not sure what to do with my life etc - where I want to live. I was a bit vague. She's looking forwards to us living till death us do part.
Our son is only 16 and she is going to another city to support him in his studies until he is 18 and we will be apart for some time, except vacations etc. I have to stay behind, which is ok with me - look after the dog and the house. It's not satisfactory though - I feel like I am tied in practically and economically. My debt will be paid off in 2 years - and he will be 18, old enough to live on his own - this should present me with options. I keep waiting and waiting.

So... this child is your bio child... for both of you... right?

Can he not study where you live?

Can you not move where he is studying?

2 years is a long time to see each other on vacations.

Perhaps a more pragmatic solution.  Since you guys are going to be apart anyway... .figure out where you want to live and do you daily activities.  Move there and do that.  You have two years to see if it's what you thought it would be, then in two years when you have the option of being back together... you will have your part of your life straightened out.

Many times we "nons" accept default because it's easy, not because we chose it.  I encourage you to live a life that is good for you...

Thoughts?


FF

This phrase worries me... .

FF

Unlike a lot of nons - who, absurdly - love their spouses, I do not. I blundered into this marriage - I'm an overcarer apparently - and when my g/f at the time hung all her needs on me 18 years ago I obliged her every demand to the extent of marrying her. Even in year 1 though I had some survival instinct and was plotting an escape - ah - but she got pregnant. The rest is history - within 2 years she was subjecting me to violence, screaming fits etc etc. then when the child was born she focused her attention on him - though never allowing me space to breath - I have been running around like a fool for the last 16 years and run up huge debts pursuing private education etc that we never could afford. The reason S15 is now on the brink of university life, 3 years ahead of his peers - is she put him though her brutal tiger mum regime - all spare time is spent in study. So he starts this september in another part of the country. The local colleges dont teach what he wants to study. We have the house up for sale and if it sells in time we will all move - otherwise they will go and rent a flat while I stay behind. That's not such a bad option for me as I will be spared living with her for several weeks at a time. But does not fit in with my plan to exit at the earliest possible point. If we sell the house I will have no further mortgage liabilities as we have enough capital here to buy another house near where he will study without further loans.

Just an update here because my wife is finally starting to see some movement in her business. She has some paid jobs behind her and thank goodness as the depression at least has lifted on that issue. It's still not much money compared with all the time she has put in but is a start.

Thanks for all your comments.

update.

wife was offered a temp job - 2 days work from home for $x

not much money but she had been doing charity work for nothing so she accepted.

- she gets angry with her "boss" when he tells her to take a 1 hour lunch break - freelancers dont do lunch breaks she replies.

but worse. the terms of the job - contract signed by her - put her as a temp employee of the agency that pays her. payment is scheduled 10 days following completion of job.

after she completes job she sends the agency and invoice - business to business.

this confuses them but they accept if that is how she prefers it they can accomodate

she virtually accuses them of the potential to cheat her out of the full sum (in an email)

decides she wants the money faster than 10 days and starts to rage over it - blaming me for forcing her to take the job

asks me every 10 minutes - do you think they will pay me? flying into a rage and striking out if I say the wrong thing

and the worst

yesterday she sent an email to the agency threatening them with court action if they do not pay on time.

says she cant live her life until she has been paid.

guys - please - how do I deal with this?

 

Well... focus on discerning what "is your circus" and what is not.

Her business... billing... relationship with boss is not your circus.  You don't control that.

How you two talk, your interpersonal relationship is your circus.

With that in mind... .where should you put your energy?  Where should you put less?

FF

Yes it is her circus - so I have to be a listener rather than a talker until this is over.

Yesterday she was going over well trodden territory, worry anxiety etc - there was a space and I said

"I understand your concerns"

she looked at me with some hope and replied

"you do?"

I nodded

and that seemed to calm her down.

"I'm listening... .you sound like you have a lot to be concerned about."

"Well... that is concerning... "


Use one of the above... then sort of wonder aloud.  "I wonder what the best way forward is... .what do you think?"

There is a gentle attempt at "pivoting" to solutions... .and let her figure it out. 

My "concern" with "i understand your concerns... " is what do you say when she gives you a "pop quiz"... and you flunk it.

That's a fast ball for BPD armageddon.

Thoughts?  Do you see that?

Not saying you were wrong... just stuff to think about for next time.

FF

BPD, money and abandonment.

For someone getting paid for work as an independent contractor, your wife could be seeing payment as validation of her skills and "worth."  No pay -- no validation, and she feels abandoned.  Money = Worth.

Yes I think you are right - I dont want to have to externalise her concerns back to her - I have done that and it results in a punch to the ribs. I will try what you suggest next time and see what happens.

Today I nearly got into trouble as she has an issue with someone and when I asked:

"What is it about you that you think she doesnt like?"

her reply was

"Are you deliberately trying to ruin my weekend!"

Thanks - but she does regular free translation for charities and is happy to do so.

but I accept your point

So... that might be a decent 3rd or 4th reflection question... .

Try to ask questions the first time or two without any "direction" or "boxing her in" (in you case... .you are suggesting that there is something not liked)

If she comes out and says that... ."x doesn't like me"

you could say "Oh my... .I'm listening... .please tell me more"

by "boxing her in"... you are kinda guiding it

Thoughts?

FF

Yes I can see that - also - she has already laid down her reasons why x is against her. I feel like we are going in circles though and often not too sure what she wants. Evidence of understanding certainly. But then what?

The money arrived from company x and now she is all apologies to company x. She does this with me too - behaves poorly and thinks and apology is all that is needed. She doesnt seem to understand what a serious thing she has done with that company - I am sure they will never work with her again.

Well... .if she wants to go in circles... .that's her choice. 

You kinda pop in ... listen... validate... ask questions... .express confidence in her (note... .zero... ZERO solutions are offered)... .if she is participating in questions and moving forward... stick with it.

If she wants to go in circles... .gently exit the situation.  "Well... I believe I've heard this part before, I need some time to give this some thought.  Is there any more new information you want to add?  This certainly sounds frustrating... ."

Something like that.  There is a gentle suggestion that she is going over old stuff... .and holding out the possibility that she is not.  Leave it up to her.

And... .even your leaving is about her because you need to give it some thought.

FF