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So, I have a telephone interview later today that is the first step in the hiring process for a really great job in my area of expertise in the industry in which I have worked for the past 15 years. I am nervous as all get out because it is exactly where I see my career going, but it would involve a move to a major Midwestern city that I love but have never lived in or in which I know anyone.

My mind keeps flipping back and forth between when I thought I had it all with my old job making a great living with no debt and the honeymoon phase in full force with my now STBx, her kids and pets, etc. and the current state of my life where I am filing for bankruptcy, underemployed in a job I hate and am not that great at, single/alone/lonely, and basically rudderless.

While restarting at the beginning and building my life back up from basically ground zero is what must be done and what I have been trying to do for more than a year now, part of me feels defeated before I even begin because of all the cruel and inconsiderate selfish treatment I received at the hands of my STBx.

It's almost like I have her voice in my head saying, like she actually did when I had started up my blog in the industry, "What makes you think you're an expert?" I have that playing over and over in my head, just marveling at the cruelty of her saying that to me when I was at just about the lowest point in my life and just trying to start something that gave me hope.

I do believe in not letting the b@stards get me down, but there have been so many of them lately, and I have lost a few of my staunchest supports this year that it's a struggle.

Anyhoo, just wanted to share what the damage from a relationship with a pwBPD feels like some days.

J

Good luck, Jeffree!  I am rooting for you.  Let us know how it goes.  Job interviews can feel tough because they put you in a position of seeking outside approval. 

With fifteen years of experience under your belt, you are an expert in your field.  You've been successful in the past.  Past success is a strong indicator of what you can achieve in the future.  Consider this one constructive step toward finding the rewarding work you seek regardless of how today's interview goes. 

Insom,

Thanks! I did get your message before the phone call.

It went fine, but here's the rub... .

Lately it seems like "fine" just isn't good enough. There's always a reason for me to not receive my fair consideration. I went on a few interviews here for jobs just like this that I would have been perfect for only to not advance in the hiring process. In that regard I don't know why this would be any different, and I don't even live in Chicago right now (another hurdle).

Now I will just write my thank you letter and wait.

It just all feels like my experience with my STBx... .try my damnedest only to have to pick myself back up again.

J

I did something like this in '97. It was an adventure,  but I was also nervous.  I left everyone and everything behind.  Two friends helped my move.  I woke up the the day after they left, alone in my new apartment, and thought what the hell did I just do?

Tough Sunday alone... .I felt shell-shocked, so I went to a movie.  Returning home,  still shell-shocked. I reported to work at 7AM Monday, threw myself into work and never looked back. When I left over 3 years later,  several section heads came by to convince me to stay. The factory VP even called me to his office.  I found out later that my boss asked them to do these things,  but no one had to do it.  I never thought I was valued that much.  It was odd to me,  but validating.  Carpe diem man! You'll do ok.  

After the first year being a hermit, I made good friends.  It was hard to move back.  The one great thing I learned,  because I was kind of doing it to get away from my FOO and an unrequited love,  is that wherever you go there you are.  I swore I'd never move back to California, but it turned out great career wise, and for my personal growth. You don't know what you don't know until you step into that unknown.  

I think a little bit of nerves is common if you want the job enough. Nothing wrong with that.

I know this a little Jeffree. Sometimes when something important to me is at stake my mind plays tricks on me like this. I think many guys struggle with work issues following the (last) end of the pwBPD relationship.

I think Insom and Turkish gave you some great support here, and so I just want to add some on this particular "voice in your head" issue--it's good to recall that her perceived incapabilities about herself aren't yours.

Good luck.  :)

It's been a strange couple of years. I have spent a lot of time in a daze almost floating outside of my body and looking at myself and thinking, "Is this really my life?"

I'm just rolling with the punches and letting life flow through me. Where I wind up and with whom is anyone's guess.

I have just the one desire to not wind up another pwBPD.

Insom, Turkish, gotbushels, et. al. thanks for the support.

J

  There is a song about this, right?  (Same as It Ever Was (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5IsSpAOD6K8) by the Talking Heads.) 

Despite it all, it sounds like you're feeling pretty grounded.

Let us know how things turn out, Jeffree! I hope to hear good news for you.

It took me a while to get back on my feet after my breakup, too. But when I did, things got interesting. Like you, I didn't have a grand plan. Just some smaller goals and I trusted the voice within that seemed to guide me to make changes.

I do find that changing location (moving to another city or country) shakes up my life like nothing else and has accelerated my growth in a positive way.

I totally get the sentiment, and have feared that I might end up in a similar situation. I do think that even if you do meet another person that starts to remind you of pwBPD, you will much more quickly realize what does and doesn't work for you, because of what you have been learning since your breakup. Do you think so, too?

Good luck and keep us posted about the job!

heartandwhole

I'm in a similar place. Middle-aged, mostly a stay-at-home mom with part-time gigs and two college students living with me.

Job hunting has required a lot of push to get over that I am an incompetent ninny. If I didn't have a lot of friends and my young adults cheering me on, I'd be a pile of mush most of the time.

At this point I haven't found full-time work yet and am considering retail with four degrees (LOL), but it's honorable work.

I think that once I have something, it will be confidence-booster, but getting there is tough.

you will much more quickly realize what does and doesn't work for you, because of what you have been learning since your breakup. Do you think so, too

I do agree with this heartandwhole, but just like with lousy job offers, I have a hard time saying no and being OK with it when I have nothing else going on. It's not desperation so much as it's me questioning if I am being too fussy/picky and if I could make the opportunity work.

But yes, I am getting better at not drinking the pwBPD Kool-Aid.

However, I have noticed that it bothers me when someone who clearly doesn't know me on a dating site goes cuckoo on me. Like the other day, this gal went off on me when I had asked if her profile was legit. I get all these fake e-mails from POF, so I thought it was pretty much understood that nobody knows for sure what's real and what's fake. I asked her what she was talking about? That I had asked a simple question. But her madness was off the rails. I don't know. Maybe I'm just too sensitive for this crap.

J

Meeandthee,

I do not envy the situation you're in. However, with 4 degrees in your back pocket, I would think you could parlay that into something lucrative.

Are you in a relatively bustling area that would offer a decent amount of opportunities?

J

I really relate, Jeffree. I've been there, and I've even had people tell me I was too picky. It seems I'm at a time in my life where I'd rather be alone than be with someone for the sake of having something going on. That's not to say that I won't give someone a chance, or compromise (if in a serious relationship), but sometimes you just know that it's not right, right out of the gate.

I hear you, though. And I still have moments when I question myself, too.


Sounds like a big  red-flag to me. My opinion is that she may be too sensitive, not you. It could be that POF may not be the best place for you to find someone that wants the same thing you do.

What other options for meeting people seem interesting to you?

heartandwhole