BPDFamily.com

Hello,
I'm an ex2 mBPD.

There's a new term in my vocabulary, "Borderline Personality Disorder" -- who knew?

I've been following this website and thread since a girlfriend of mine, who is a therapist suggested that my (ex)boyfriend of 7 months is Borderline.

No doubt about it:  What a whirlwind, right? The attention, the flowers, the compliments, the proclamations of undying love, the declaration that you're the One he has been looking for all his life, the feeling of 'belonging' with someone who Totally gets where you're coming from and will talk (manic) all night long in between the best bedtime sessions known to man/woman -- And, yes, my complicity in it all.

I read somewhere that we "Non-BPD's" should ask ourselves -- at the beginning -- "Is this realistic?"  HaHa -- Who cares? Right?  

Since it's SO Totally over and I am fleeing for my sanity, plus in therapy (not with my therapist friend, of course my real dilemma is getting past the "looking over my shoulder" feeling.

A couple days ago [it's now 3 weeks since He broke up with Me] he sent the most cruel, false accusation-laced; bizarre message part of which stated, "I've driven by your house several times and you're never home... .You're obviously [fill in the blanks]... .And since you're out every night, it only proves that I was right about you being a whore... .blah, blah, blah... .[Then... .this] Don't worry, I'm not stalking you, I'm just proving to myself how cheap you are."

LOL ~ Actually? I've been at my mother's house, hiding. It's like being a teenager again! He thinks I'm out on the town in black lace, and I'm actually in my pink footie pajamas, sipping hot cocoa with my elderly parents.

I've gone no contact at this point, new phone number, blocked email, blocked Facebook (which, by the way, helps anxiety So much! No contact is surely meant for the Non-BPD partner.)

But, back to the point ... .he IS stalking me; or wants to plant the idea in my head that he's watching my moves... .So *how* do I get over the feeling that, like a Jack-In-The-Box, he's going to pop up unexpectedly, sometime, somewhere?  How long will it take to get rid of the "waiting" for something bad to happen?

My therapist can only see me every 3 weeks and we're only working on Why I chose this bloke; so I appreciate this forum to vent my insecurities.
Thank you for your insights.
ex2BPD
 

Hello there Ex2BPD,

I send greetings from the community and saying 



I suppose what you've shared above and perhaps your therapist friend would tell you is technically known as the "idealisation" phase where your ex-partner had "love bombed" you, by showering you with loves of love, care, attention, snuggles, long-conversations and the what haves.


In my situation, it came to a point where i'd realised such levels of intense connection and bonding was not only unrealistic, but for the long-term unsustainable. But yup, i still went along with it. In my personal experience, i'd showered my uBPDexGF with lots of love and attention. For the first 3 months it was fantastic. But, with most stories on the board, things somehow inevitably too the slippery slope down the devaluation phase.


That's great that you've been in therapy. I suppose your therapist has been helpful in walking through you reached this point?


Well, this is his interpretation of what's been happening. Now that you're disengaging from him. His reactions are responses are really a reference from his past experiences. He therefore sees his current set of circumstances with you using the lenses of his past ( which probably have been cruel, abusive, abandoning, etc ). While you may try to justify what you actually did and present facts to him, he may actually not accept your side of "truth" and add in more "false details" to justify your actions and his responses to why he might be mean and punishing to you.


Good for you! you seem to know the necessary steps to keep yourself safe and a good measure of boundaries in place to guard and protect yourself.


So, about stalking, i guess the "abandonment" might be kicking in... .however that being said, i suppose you would be uncertain if your ex partner inclines more toward the NPD ( narcissistic personality disorder ) or BPD spectrum? If you are moving toward detachment and NC, time will probably be the most telling factor. He might "charm" for a while, which is what he is doing right now. "charming" is attempt to get your attention in hopes that you'll return to him. So perhaps right now you are only able to watch and maintain NC.

If he stalks you to a point of violating personal boundaries, like showing up at your doorstep, then you might want to make a police report for harassment (etc).

I hope this helps. I do hope you'll find this community pleasant and encouraging, and a safe place where you can share without restraint while working toward your recovery.

Takecare,
Spero.

Hey 

Yup, I dived right into that first phase too, thinking "This is unrealistic, but wow it's nice so let's do it... ."

I think it sounds like you're still in the pre-stalking phase but it could turn into full-on stalking.

You might want to read up on "extinction bursts" where a BPD behaviour gets worse before it gets better... .That might help you understand that pattern, if it takes place and also understand what steps you need to take and how.

I'm sure there's ppl here that can explain the concept of an extinction burst wayyyy better than I can, so I'll leave it to them to think you through the steps/ details if needed, yeah? : )

Good on you for hiding in pink PJs with cocoa instead of black lace etc... .What a wonderful contrast of images!  :)

icky mentioned the extinction burst.  We have a discussion on this on the Psychology Answers board. Click on the quote link fire the whole discussion.


I think that you are doing well in this regard by not answering.  Any answer at this point,  even with the BPD communication tools may reinforce his desire to get a reaction. He broke up with you.  

There is a possibility that he is lying... .a member here faked calling the cops,  so he called,  found out she didn't,  but the cops still came.  Likely this is not the issue.  

Going to your local police station is a good idea as Spero suggested. You may not have to make a report,  but instead have them aware of what's going on.  The more people that are aware of these types of situations the better.  

I know you're hiding or from the drama, you're safe right now,  but do you feel safe in your life overall?

Turkish

Dear Turkish (and all who have answered/affirmed what "this" is like... .to both (1) get past; and (2) learn from)

Thank you to this community. As I said in my first line, "Who knew?"

Turkish, yes, I'm physically safe. LOL - with a Nest cam; ADT alarm, and porch-buzz - I feel plenty of security. 

I think that adage, "Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but Words will never Hurt me... ." wasn't written to me.

It's a soul-killer to be accusation-bombed by a BPD!
Not since my grandmother's rants have I seen such tornado-energy-turned into cruelty.

Since I discovered this Community, and the existence of BPD, I spend my 1st hour each day in music and meditation; and my 2nd hour reading the essays posted overnight.

What can I say but the sincerest, "Thank you!"

Hi Ex2BPD,

Thanks for joining us and posting  |iiii  I was also concerned about whether you felt safe at home, and am glad to see you feel secure there.  When you speak of something 'bad' happening, what are you imagining that to be?   

I spent a long time looking over my shoulder and found that having someone like a friend accompany me to places where possible gave me a sense of comfort that I wouldn't be alone should I run into him.  My ex had been violent in the r/s.  Did you ever have any sense of physical danger?  As Spero and Turkish say, letting people know about what's going on is a very wise move.

Great moves on the self care - keep it up!  I'm inspired.  Meditation tomorrow morning.  Meantime, stay in touch with us, let us know you're OK and be prepared to act if he does begin to affect you negatively with any behaviour that might arise. 

Love and light x

Hey there Ex2BPD,

Just chiming in to see how you've been doing lately. How have things been coming along since the last time you've share about your set of circumstances?

Its good to know that you've been taking care of yourself with all the activities. As, Harley Quinn mentioned  do keep in touch and let us know you're OK and be prepared to act if he does something again to cause you distress.

Takecare,
Spero

Dear Community,
Thank you for asking after me. 

Well... .it happened... .Serenity bubble popped! It had been 9 days since any element of this ExBPD's life had spectered into my own. 

This afternoon I received an eMail message from his insurance agent that ExBPD had given her *MY* eMail address to "handle" his auto insurance coverage issues. (he's blocked from directly using my eMail address) 

In this round-about way, he can let me know he is
(a) low on money (he's been waiting for his Award Letter from SSDi -  although he's only 48);
(b) letting me know he's squirmed a fresh 3rd-Party way into my life;
(c) can remind me of his existence - in case I've forgotten his accusations of (please laugh here... .) the
      1. 90 men (Yep! Ninety!) I've slept with since HE broke up with me a month ago (he even names
         many of them in his screeds) -- it would be embarrassing except for the anonymity of this site;
      2. that I *caused* him to have schizophrenia;
      3. that it was always my INTENTION to drive HIM insane - or to suicide... .

There's no going back on the modis of "No Contact" --- Say that after 14 attempts the non-BPD folds and picks up the phone --- You can be sure that the next cycle will ramp up to 16 attempts before the BPD gets the No Contact message.

I moved my car to the next block over this afternoon in case he (once again) drives by - he probably won't; but that's my standard of something "bad" will happen.  Not like domestic violence which I appreciate some non-BPDs endure.  My "bad" is merely having my serenity and "fresh start" interrupted.

How is your serenity doing following the email?  I'd imagine you must feel frustrated and potentially a number of other emotions to have had the unwanted contact.  Do you feel able to resist reading anything further that arrives?  Some members block incoming messages if they would struggle to ignore or delete.  Have there been any other developments?

Love and light x 

Yes, it IS frustrating to believe you've 'fended off' from the relationship, are walking your own path and the Ex uBPD-mate parachutes into your realm. This guy is a full-on addiction to me. So... .It's like a bottle of wine showing up on your doorstep when you're ten days into sobriety.

He emailed me two more times since this original post, and following his insurance agent's email. Because comcast.net doesn't have a mechanism to block (Poof!) messages like Hotmail and gMail -- His messages go straight to the Trash folder, but the subject line still appears in the banner. 

*BUT* it was True progress for me not to 'peek-Y, Peek!' at the two emails -- which are totally gone now because emails only stay in the comcast Trash bin for 24 hours.
- - -

I think the Lesson here is an endorsement for the rule of No Contact.  It was such a relief to NOT open the two emails that he sent following the rage-incident that he had with his insurance agent (which - incredibly under the circumstances - I'm assuming he wanted Me to smooth over; judging from his Subject line, "I need you to look at my auto coverage; Agent has it all wrong!" (he's Always the victim!)

His plea is now in email cemetery. He may have even wanted to tell me 'his side of the story' after raging at his agent - who knows. Finally... .who cares?

So, thank you for asking after me - This weekend is going well. 'Being (back) in contact with long time friends who were asking, "WHERE HAVE you been?" puts ExBPD farther back in the rear view mirror, and strengthening my No Contact resolve is So empowering.

Wishing Everyone a Journey of enlightenment and a heart filled with peace,

Very proud of you taking these steps to better yourself and emotionally heal and progress. All I can say is in my experience the first few months were so difficult, but it gets exponentially easier, I just had to really stick to it and avoid moments of weakness. The "addictive" feeling is part of the conditioning as well as habit, which just takes time to resolve itself, the power it holds at the moment will fade. Hoping that this transition of detachment goes as smooth as possible for you Ex2BPD

As Cromwell has pointed out, putting that boundary on yourself around reading the other emails is something to be proud of!  Well done  |iiii  I felt a sense of victory each time I didn't respond to a message.  This was a real step forwards for you as you now know that you're capable of ignoring and allowing any future contact attempts to disappear.  Treat yourself and celebrate with your reunited friends! 

Love and light x