BPDFamily.com

So I guess this is something many of y'all have struggled with too for a while... .

After missing the many BPD red-flag in our ex-relationship, you've probably started questioning your ability to "spot the signs" in future... .

I've been observing the people in my life both close and distant (even watching people on the bus etc) and trying to work out "what are the signs" that someone has or might have BPD or similar issues... .

I guess due to the traumatic experience of a BPD relationship, I'm being hyper-vigilant re those BPD  red-flag now and feel like I'm seeing them "everywhere"... .haha... .I've already got 2 co-workers pegged as "possible candidates", one close friend and several acquaintances... .I'm also mentally scanning relatives for signs and random people I meet... .

So statistics say approx 1 in 17 ppl has (mostly undiagnosed) BPD... .

Am I just spotting "what is there"? Or am I over-interpreting signs of emotional weirdness... .?

How much are y'all struggling with this?

Have you got co-workers, relatives, friends and acquaintances mentally "pegged" as BPD candidates too, haha?

Funnily no,

discovered yesterday an acquaintance was diagnosed BPD when sd visited her in hospital ( attempted suicide), also another of her friends i new better was diagnosed she told me when she mentioned it,

My other sd knows a lot! of mentally affected people. Funnily enough,  of her two best friends  one has so many things wrong it is hard to sought, she has been on more psyche medicines that i even know of, which is saying something, and her other best friend is just out of hospital and she has definately being acting strangely towards me despite being much, much, younger,
 
Its easy to spot something wrong, and i knew two were cutters for sure, but as for BPD i think you might have to do more than scratch the surface.

Hello there Icky,

Thank you for sharing how you are feeling right now and how you are struggling with the after shock of your relationship. I know this must be a tough period for you and that you've been thinking quite abit about whats been happening lately in your life.

Perhaps before i go into the specifics of your post, how do you suppose you're seeing "BPD" everywhere?. While it is true that, I suppose many who've encountered individuals with a high propensity toward BPD behaviour and diagnosed individuals, i would suppose one could become more aware of such individuals who display "traits".   

However, it is really difficult (my emphasis) that you can spot such a person without going through the notions of the relationship. That itself, would take at least a few months before obvious symptoms could come out. The assessment and diagnostic criteria for having BPD is much more complex.  Based on the DSM criteria, you would need 5 out of 9 of the markers to have a official clinical diagnosis.

I suppose, if i may, perhaps what you are seeking, or your motivation would be to have a healthy relationship. As to why you may be attempting to identify people who have BPD, perhaps that would be a personal defense mechanism put in place to prevent yourself from getting hurt. 

I apologise that i've not been able to follow your story closely. Have you been able to perhaps engage a therapist to help you process these thoughts which have been coming up? I've seen a therapist myself and that has been instrumental in helping me process how i was feeling inside, the constant rumination, and the re-centering of my life and priorities.

To answer your question about spotting individuals with BPD, i've not gone in that direction, but, i've approach it from a very clinical point of view, am in the process of detaching and trying to regain myself.

Hope this answers your question.

Spero

Oh, I'm not upset by this tendency to scan ppl for BPD  red-flag s... .I'm more amused by it.

I've been wondering too - is it possible to "spot" it at all (sure, scars from cutting on arms etc are a quick "give-way" or whether it does take "months" of observing... .

Obviously not in the sense of getting a professional DSM diagnosis... .

But I think it can be quite easy to spot if someone's struggling with depression (again, without giving a professional DSM diagnosis, but rather a pretty educated guess) so I think it's probably possible to do the same re BPD.

I noticed the co-worker this morning (who I have known for a few years) and who I now have "pegged"  :) got totally confused and upset by a tiny change in plans and then *blamed* others for this really vocally and emotionally, before calming down and realising she was being silly and weird... .at which point I asked her if she wanted a coffee, as I was getting myself one, and that really calmed her down.

So, just like it's possible to "spot" depression in colleagues and friends, I reckon it's possible to "spot" BPD too.

But I think my brain is being over-active about it at the moment, cos I'm reading up so much on BPD  :)

icky   

I do agree a lot with what spero said about the issue. Especially the part which you quoted about necessity for proximity and 5 of 9 criteria.

I think after a few years out of the relationship--and looking back at this issue, I think it was quite close to what you described here:

At the same time, I think what spero brought up about this:
I think that's true for some people. For me, of course I want to have that readiness and ease-of-access to remove people from the pool I'm looking at. I found it a little disconcerting to have a healthy intuition signalling me with this new BPD knowledge versus going overboard. Going overboard to me looks like hypervigiliance and putting filters in from a position of fear. Is there a little of this given the thread title and what you said here?
Interested to see how this develops for you.  :)

I remember reading a psychology textbook when I was in my late teens and as they listed the different disorders and illnesses along with the traits were looking at people in my class and started to say "oh yea schizoid personality thats definatly Adam". "yep, my teacher is so bipolar".

Ive not thankfully noticed more BPDishness though, but glad to at least be able to see red flags.

Its a bit like googling any kind of medical symptoms without seeing a doctor and saying "oh yep, ive not got a cold its pneumonia for sure".

The thing with my BPDx is that red flags only trickled in, they didnt just appear at once. Sure there were big ones that made me wonder for a moment, but without any pattern they were just isolated things you could give the benefit of the doubt to. Its taught me to be more aware in future but no I dont think being hypervigilant or paranoid is helpful, you could dismiss people who might just have reasonable justification for having apparent BPD similair behaviours.

Hi Icky:

Good job on resetting her trigger.  The communication lessons/skills you find on this website will enhance anyone's emotional intelligence and communication skills to deal with various situations in the workplace and in every day life (even with so called "normal" people).  There are lots of things in play in the workplace.  Ego's and pride of ownership for certain projects can get in the way.  Also, people can be on edge because of something going on in their personal life.

It's probably best to NOT focus on BPD, and just recognize when you see signs of mental illness and/or poor emotional intelligence.  If you eliminate the worst BPD traits (cutting, suicidal ideations, addictions and substance abuse), it's common for most people to have some degree of a BPD trait or two, at least at some point in their life.

The individual BPD traits aren't necessarily unique to a BPD diagnosis.  Since BPD is a spectrum disorder, people commonly start with a disorder or two (that isn't/aren't managed successfully), and then they evolve into qualifying for a BPD label.

Lack of a certain skill (s) makes someone a poor choice as a friend or partner, but doesn't necessarily make them BPD (such as: Low emotional intelligence, poor coping skills and poor emotional management). 

Some people can hide their BPD traits for a period of time, but they can become apparent when a stressful event occurs.  Also, everyone can have a bad day, and exhibit bad behavior (s), and it might be out of character for them. 

It's probably best in your personal life to just not get too involved with people who aren't emotionally healthy (whether it's BPD or some other label). It's wise to look beyond good looks, sex appeal and intensity. Don't try to fix/rescue someone who is broken.  Don't rush into things; as over time, someone will generally show you who they are. 

Your "BPD glasses" can help you screen out mentally unhealthy people and help you avoid getting too involved with them (or trying to fix them).  Most of us here aren't qualified to diagnose specific mental disorders, but most of us should be able to recognize behavior patterns that indicate someone likely has a mental health issue of some type.