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I informed my uBPDh on Monday during our couples session that I had reached the end of my road and need to remove myself from this unhealthy relationship. We have two sons together (4.5 and 1.5) so this complicates matters. I presented him with options on how to proceed with the separation with option 1 being the least disruptive to the kids and less expensive and with option 3 being the most disruptive and most expensive. Option 3 also means he does not leave the family home and I move out into an apartment that has space for the boys. Unsurprisingly, he is going with option 3. I do believe he is trying to call my bluff and does not think I will go through with it. I have already started contacting apartments and budgeting. I am putting together a plan with the support of my family and friends. I am putting one foot in front of the other and it feels good. I have now accepted I have to be the one to make the changes I need. I am no longer going to wait for him. I have a consultation with an attorney this morning. I met with her back in November just to gather information, but am now going back to begin the process of separating. Does anybody have any suggestions for questions or topics I should cover with the attorney to protect the best interests of myself and the boys during this process?

Thank you!

A big picture question.

Is this a "therapeutic separation" or is it a separation on the pathway to divorce?

I've done a TS (where a therapist managed the separation) and it was helpful to have space... .and have structure around our together time.

As far as the attorney... .I would interview a couple... .finding the right fit is critical.

Do you have your own therapist? ( in addition to the MC)

Honestly... .I would prefer you get your own place too.  It's the most "authentic" move you can make.

There is a big difference in

1.  I'm unhappy with the marriage so I want you to move out of the home and I want you to make all these changes so that I'm happy.  (such as him moving out)

2.  I'm unhappy with the marriage, I'm going to make changes. 

In option 2... .I would encourage you to figure out a way to say "even though I'm making changes and moving on with my life... .my door is open.  Understand I'm open to a relationship with you."

Somehow in that last thought you say... ."I want our current relationship to go away because it is toxic for us (stay away from blame), but I'm open for a new... healthy relationship... should that be something you desire as well.  I'll respect you and your decision either way... ."

FF

Hi Peacebringer, and welcome!

Here's another question for you to add to the good ones from Formflier... .you mentioned:


Is the plan to make the apartment home base for the boys?

You're in a good position at the start of this process (versus looking back after a whirlwind of changes) to decide how you want things to go, based on what's best for the kids. As I'm sure other members will mention, when it comes to custody/PT, setups that were supposed to be "temporary" or "just until he/I get on his/my feet" tend to become permanent.

I'd recommend discussing with your L any implications (for custody/PT especially) of moving to the apartment that you might not have thought of or that might not be clear or obvious at the moment.

Hope this helps;

kells76

Yes, I'll mention it, well, at least mention what I'm thinking.  Ponder with your lawyer what impact any of these changes will have on your being the Primary Parent.  Whatever you call it, custodial parent whether joint or otherwise, majority time parent, decision maker, tie breaker, etc.  If you are the more stable parent, as you demonstrably are, then you need to do everything to reflect that you're the stable and more capable parent.

Is it his home or is it instead jointly owned where you have a financial interest in it as marital equity?  If your state's laws default you to the driver's seat in certain aspects of a parenting case, then don't sell yourself short.  Especially don't Gift Away any advantages you now have, you may have a hard time getting them back.  All I'm saying is that us Nice Guys and Nice Gals here have personalities that often impel us to be overly fair or overly nice when doing so could sabotage us in some legal way.  So before you make major decisions vet them with your lawyer, perhaps here too in peer support.  You moving out versus him moving out could be one of tat type of decisions.  However, doing one or the other is not necessarily bad, many parents have found establishing a fresh new (and stable) home to be empowering.  Just do it for the right reasons and the right goals.


That is a major theme emphasized here.  We can't fix a seriously disordered spouse or loved one.  Yes, we can support him/her if seriously pursuing therapy and in the process of making lasting improvements, but the person needs to do the hard work, that part is not up to us.  So often it comes down to boundaries... .our boundaries.  We can't make the other do the right things but boundaries are how we respond to poor behaviors... ."If you do/don't ___ then I will/won't ___."

Hi peacebringer,

I really hope things go as smoothly as they can for you through this process.  I am also in North Carolina, so I wanted to throw in a specific comment that my T made... .she had given me a heads up that moving out of the family home could potentially be construed as "abandonment" in divorce proceedings, which could damage your case.  I think this is what kells76 and ForeverDad were getting at, so definitely consult more with your L on how best to proceed if it does end up being the path you take.

I'm facing separation myself in the next few months (timing is difficult due to finances, but I'm coming to the end of my own road).  I too intend to tell my uBPDw in couples counseling, so I'd be interested to know how that went for you.  I will be watching for updates from you in particular given that we're on the same legal playing field.

mw