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If we spend too much then I must cut down on spending. She has a Starbucks and a cell phone obsession. She just spent $ 500 on another new phone and I wish I had shares in Starbucks. I spent $ 20 on gas. So I must cut down on spending.

She has BPD. She recognises that but she feels I have the disorder too and I must take medication for it too. This causes a lot (!) of problems as she feels I'm not with her. No matter how much I reassure her it comes back to 'But you are not taking your tablets! For this to work out you have to take your tablets!'

How do I deal with this best?

Hey bc-man.

Both of your examples sound close to projection. It's like a redirection. The person with BPD is unconsciously trying to transfer their faults onto you in an attempt to feel better. One of the reasons they need to feel better because there's usually a lot of hidden guilt floating around.

In your case, she spends money on (unnecessary?) items and winds up complaining about you buying (necessary) gas.
Also... .whether or not you have a prescription, let's assume right now that you do not need one/have one... .she needs to take medication, so she says you also have BPD and you need medication as well.

Just like you, my wife has said these exact two things to me. It's difficult to wrap your head around this BPD trait, especially right when they're accusing you of these things, because your initial reaction is to defend your choices (to buy gas) or to explain reality (you don't need medication, she does). Now you have the beginnings of an argument/fight.

So why do they do this? Humans need consistency in their brains. We all seek a mental calm to replace the nasty inner turmoil. A more pleasant feeling that our thoughts and actions and decisions are normal and good.

Actually, this reminded me of something you wrote in another thread.  


This almost casts it as malicious. People who study mental illness will say that people with BPD are not intentionally manipulative. They're just trying to cope with painful feelings or get their needs met with no intention of harming others.

So yeah, she got what she wanted, but she likely didn't say it to be mean. She said as a coping mechanism. To make the mental discomfort (cognitive dissonance) go away.

Personal tangent:
Every time this comes up, I think of my ex fiance who I later found out was cheating on me, while waiting for a decent excuse to rally her family into believing I was a monster so she could break up/move out and have guilt-free threesomes. She just didn't move out though. She then went to all our mutual friends and drug my name through the mud, and turned most of my friends against me.

Seven years later, I'm starting to understand why she probably did it. People need to justify their decisions, and one of the ways they do this is to spin it. And who hears the spin? Their friends and family.

This would explain why she came to my house as I was packing up to move out of state, and asked me if I still wanted to stay in contact. So she obviously didn't hate me. She hated monogamy, and it slowly drove her batty to a point where she needed to make the pain go away... .unfortunately in the most dramatic way possible. Then the dust settled, she felt better, and knocked on my door.  

-ngu

Hi bc-man,

I agree with NGU there’s projection there I think that there might also be some magical thinking too with the tablets there is no magical pill you don’t take meds for BPD sure you treat the underlying depression, anxiety, ADHD with meds. My advice is to depersonalize the behaviours become indifferent to them you neither like it or hate it.

The last few days I have done a lot of reading on this website cause it's the most informative source I have come across so far. Obviously there's a lot to digest. To be honest - my head is spinning. It's a case of 'I need a break to digest it all but hey ... .this person has exactly the same issue - I gotta read that! That person ... .wow ... .that's exactly how I've experienced it.  Let's see how they've dealt with it and learn from that.'

Anyway; when confronted with the hugely intensifying tablet issue the best I could think of was 'I know it's terrifying having to go through all this and I hope you know I'm on your side.' Basically neither agreeing nor disagreeing on the specific issue of taking tablets. In the past I have flatly refused 'No, I won't take tablets' and end of story. On the one hand I know it would make her feel better (less alone?) to see me popping pills on the other hand I don't want to give in to this demand as it seems downright dangerous? It also seems to me it would open the doors for more and more and more demands.

How wrong or right was either statement (the 'I know it's terrifying ... .' and the 'No, ... .'?

Sorry, I think I'm and sound confused ... .

No worries it’s okay if you feel confused. I wouldn’t suggest taking anything that wasn’t prescribed by an MD or GP and you are correct if you give her this it could open the Pandora’s box to other things that she wants you to do. Some people need specific meds and others don’t need it. Say it calmly and keep repeating the same thing no you don’t need it.