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Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup => Topic started by: Rojin on April 14, 2018, 03:22:36 PM



Title: Boyfriend giving the silent treatment
Post by: Rojin on April 14, 2018, 03:22:36 PM
Hello all,

I found this website after extensively researching silent treatment or sulking which seems like a habit of my boyfriend. I actually shouldn't say boyfriend since we did not name our relationship. We live 6 hours apart and have been talking and texting for the past 2 years. On and off. We have met several times.

This is the second time my friend is giving me the silent treatment. The first one was 2 months ago and lasted for 2 weeks until he decided to come back. This one is 2nd and it has been a week.  He is an extremely reserved, shy, private man who lives alone. He was married for 8 years, divorced now and is 41 years old. So am I. He had a traumatic experience when he was 17. He was wrongfully accused, went to prison for a year and was tortured. What I think he has is high functioning BPD. He is not violent. I don't know if he was in the past. But when he is mad he just stops talking. What is he doing when he is giving me the silent treatment? What is he feeling?

I need help. Although we have a long distance relationship I do not want to lose him because I don't know how to act around him. I know he loves me me but I feel like he completely forgets about my existence when he is giving me the silent treatment. Even though this passive aggressive act is abusive by definition I do not feel abused. I know he can not help it and I know he is not trying to punish me or something like that. The only thing I feel is in addition to missing him terribly is despair and not knowing what he would want me to do. Can you help?

Thanks for reading.


Title: Re: Boyfriend giving the silent treatment
Post by: zachira on April 14, 2018, 03:47:28 PM
 "I do not want to lose him because I don't know how to act around him."
You are suffering because you do not know what is going on with your boyfriend while he is giving you the silent treatment and would like to know what he is actually feeling right now. He probably is not comfortable with his feelings when he is giving you the silent treatment and may not be able to express how he feels because he really does not know and/or he feels overwhelmed by many distressing feelings. It sounds like you are walking on eggshells trying to deal with his sudden withdrawal and no contact with you. I want you to know that there is no special way to act around him that is going to prevent him from suddenly giving you the cold shoulder. Right now, is a lonely and distressing time, so please let us know how you are doing and how we can help. There are many caring people on this board who are or have been in similar situations to yours.


Title: Re: Boyfriend giving the silent treatment
Post by: Mutt on April 15, 2018, 09:53:03 AM
I agree I think that it helps to understand basic psych because then you can understand why a pwBPD act the way that they intimacy requires empathy, hearing and understanding your partner is empathic comprehension when you’re withholding you’re taking away that level intamuxy, why does someone do it? Here’s a good article:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Silent treatment (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68733.0)

Is there something that happened before he gave you the silent treatment. I don’t want to generalize I usually got the silent treatment when I was in conflict with my ex pwBPD it’ was a means for her and I to assert control over the other person.


Title: Re: Boyfriend giving the silent treatment
Post by: Rojin on April 15, 2018, 03:56:13 PM
I agree I think that it helps to understand basic psych because then you can understand why a pwBPD act the way that they intimacy requires empathy, hearing and understanding your partner is empathic comprehension when you’re withholding you’re taking away that level intamuxy, why does someone do it? Here’s a good article:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Silent treatment (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68733.0)

Is there something that happened before he gave you the silent treatment. I don’t want to generalize I usually got the silent treatment when I was in conflict with my ex pwBPD it’ was a means for her and I to assert control over the other person.

Thank you Mutt. I read every single comment.

Actually something did happen. I was upset by his not being too eager to see me. And in general he is always hot and cold. I told him that he thinks too much and needs to make up his mind about his feelings for me. I also told him that I think he is trying to hide something from me since he always tries to stop me from visiting him. Before all this he had blamed me for not being sensitive enough about his troubles with work and daily life. He is very secretive and NEVER open about his feelings. He hardly ever tells me that he even misses me. I know he cares about me but he never tells. I think I got tired of trying to solve the puzzle on my own.

After all the voice mails I left he did not say a single word. I tried the next day, nothing. An a 3rd time the following day, still nothing. Today it has been a week. I don't know what is going through his mind. This is the 2nd time he is doing this. The last time it lasted 16 days. I feel like this one will be much longer. I wish I knew what he was thinking.


Title: Re: Boyfriend giving the silent treatment
Post by: Mutt on April 15, 2018, 06:56:19 PM
Im glad that you like that workshop we have a lot of workshops. I can understand that his reaction is less than choice when you see each other or do something together. I think that it would hurt my gf if I was indifferent when I see her.

A pwBPD are highly sensitive he may think that he’s defective when you said that he thinks too much and he needs to make a choice about having a romantic r/s with you. I’m not making any excuses for his behaviors have you looked at the validation tools in the lessons? It might help with these avoidance periods, there’s no guarantees the tools don’t always work.


Title: Re: Boyfriend giving the silent treatment
Post by: Rojin on April 16, 2018, 10:13:00 AM
I have read about validation and I wish I had done so before I lead him to ignore me. If he calls me, I’ll definitely be more careful but even if he does bot I will go and attempt to see him in 2 weeks. I am aware this might sound like a stupid idea but I am willing to take the tisk and ready for any outcome. Either way I think it will help me make a decision.


Title: Re: Boyfriend giving the silent treatment
Post by: once removed on April 21, 2018, 02:51:59 PM
hey Rojin, any update?