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Hello! I’m new here, pretty sure my SO has BPD and I feel like I’m losing my mind (and he tells me I’m crazy too... .) just need reassurance bc he fits all the criteria

Hi There,

Welcome to bpdfamily. I am new here but welcome you because reaching out is one of the first steps.
What are some of the behaviours/situations that have you wondering about possible BPD and your partner?

Maybe if you explain your partners actions and how they make you feel then someone knowledgeable can give their opinion here for you. From my research I have come to realise Cluster B personality issues are VERY confusing for outsiders/partners/children because they don't line up with our experienced reality and more often then not we TRY OUR BEST to make these troubling behaviours "fit" our reality, causing more confusion and hurt.

I hope you stay around and talk to people because sharing in of itself should help you.

Christianboy

Hello! He is a pathological liar, he does things that most people would get upset about and then he twists it making it somehow my fault for catching him. He is narcissistic, he only talks about himself and only does what makes him happy. He will ignore my feelings when I bring up things that upset me, saying that he’s sick of my bitching and I am draining him, but he will refuse to acknowledge he is causing my “bitching” - he is a pathological cheater, always plays the victim. He has made me feel like I am the one who is wrong all the time and I feel like I am losing my mind! I will stop talking to him then he reaches out saying how much he misses me and loves me and trusts me, so I give in bc I love him and my heart feels guilt for making him “sad”, but it just keeps happening.

It bleeped out my word bc it was a swear, it is a word for complaining :)

Sounds hard and painful indeed.
  You fell in love with him, I get that but what made you love him at the start? Do you still find those qualities in him right now? Is he the same person as the one that made you love him?
  You said that he;s a pathological cheater. So he cheated on you multiple times? If so, what's your view on cheating in a relation? For me personally it's a deal breaker. The "Once a cheater, always a  cheater" is true as they will only get better at hiding it in time.

  If you only fell in love with who he was back then, the harsh truth is that people can hide their true identity and show themselves as this "one in a million chances-partner".

  I will share you a small story, see if you can relate.
  I met this girl. We rapidly got together and we moved together even faster. For a while it was perfect, and she kept love-bombing me, making me feel like i was the love of her life, a god among mortals and my words were laws. It seemed that we;ve shared the same ideals, goals in life and everything.
  Then the devaluation started where either everything bad that happened was my fault, whether it was important or nothing that mattered. All of them ended up with her trying to break-up with me because I did this 'wrong' thing like coming 5min late home from work, or declined a phone call from her or didn't responded fast enough to her sms, or forgot Her back card inside our house when we left but we were actually at the door. Those fights she created got worse in time. In all of them i got called many names and she pointed out how I was nothing for her, and that she can always find someone better or cheat on me.
  All of this in time made me feel weak compared to her. I've started to belive that I won't be able to find someone else or someone like her, so I've started to accept her things. At the end of every fight we had she started crying, and telling me how much she loves me, how she can't see her life without me etc.  I tought that her true face was this one... the vulnerable one.
  The truth is that I was just a supply of attention for her. She (like all BPDs) lack empathy. She never cared how she made me feel or what i felt in general. It was always about her. I was there just to make her feel important and loved.
  Our first break-up came out of the blue. She didn't loved me anymore. I was shocked since a day earlier I was the love of her life, but i've accepted. The next day was in a relation with one of her friends from college. After the triangulation finished she came back to me and asked me to be in a relation again because she loves me etc.
  I've accepted and went back to the phases-love bombing then devaluation again. Exactly a year later the same thing basically happened but this time she hid it from me. She didn't ended our relation to test the next one, she cheated on me. I've found out. Since she was behaving exactly like she did a year ago, I knew something was fishy. She was devasted, begged me to stay. After a long discussion I've agreed to forgive her, but it was all for nothing as 2 weeks later I was in a hell of a relation. Constant fights started from nothing. She was basically tring to find a solid reason to end our relation BECAUSE of me. She even tried a break-up during the Christamas table, where I was surounded by her family, miles and miles away from anyone I know. I had to go back to work after the New Years Eve, so I left her with her family. 2 Days later i get a "we\re done" sms. and the next day she's with someone else.
  This is where I've said STOP. Ofc she cried a lot telling me again how she can't lose me, how she;s in love with me, but words and tears meant nothing at this point. I've accepted that I was just a supply for her, that her love-bombing was a tactic to make me love her and that her true face is the one that cheats and expects forgiveness at the end of the day.

  It was so hard to leave everything behind and o NoContact. I felt like I had to start from nothing. But it was and is worthed

He probably is the same person in his head bc he still won’t own up to his lies, he hasn’t “cheated on me” but does talk to other women and I catch him, but he says he’s alllwed go bc they’re just friends. We basically go back and forth from him wanting me to go back to “normal” after catching him in lies and stop being so “miserable” but I can’t just forget and act like everything is fine, so we argue bc I bring it up, then we don’t talk for a week and then he texts or calls saying how much he just wants to love me and his big thing is that he only trusts me, like that’s supposed to make me feel better when I don’t trust him... .I feel like I am going crazy and even now as I’m typing this I’m wondeejng if I’m wrong and if he’s right all along and I’m overreacting

When I call him out on anything he twists back to me and says I’m the one who’s like that and I don’t trust myself so that’s why I don’t trust him?”! I’ve never lied or cheated on him!

I've learned the hard way that you can;t win an argument with them. They will twist every word or sentance to their advantage until you start doubting yourself.
  I've cought her multiple times talking with her friends but her conversations were not normal. She kept getting love msgs all her responses were mostly "you know we can't be together BECAUSE i'm engaged", or "we can't be together BECAUSE i'll leave in summer" and the list goes on.Notice how she responded to them while calling me the love of her life. She kept them in a love-state. After we broke-up 3 months ago she went ahead and had sex with all of her guy friends, and they were like 4 in the span of 2 weeks.
  When I confronted her about her guy friends and the way she treats them, talks to them and how she responds I god accused of jealousy, stalking, not trusting her and so on.

  There is an answer to your situation, to truly know your state. Don't involve your love for him in this decision because love will only trick you.
  Do you have that feeling in your stomach? When you are unsettled about something but you don't know what. When you know something is wrong but you convince yourself that it's nothing? When a small part of you knows that he's lying and hiding something from you but you convince yourself it's just a bad feeling. That is your gut. That's your rational side that struggles to show you the reality. It means that deep inside you know that he hides something from you. Trust that feeling more than your love because your guts will always want the best of you.
 
  You need to stand your ground. To defend your boundaries. They represent you. If he truly respect you, he will respect those boundaries as well.

  A strong and real relation involves trust, and it involves a lot of it. It needs respect from both sides, not just from one partner.