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One minute I feel like I am making real progress, then I slide back into missing her terribly again. You can see the full back story in another topic: ‘Unsure what to do next’ within this particular post category (Reversing a breakup).

I appreciate the grief side is just something I have to accept and keep working on like so many others here. It is a bit like snakes and ladders though.

Firstly, my exgirlfriend does not have a diagnosed BPD, but seemed to exhibit a lot of similar BPD traits. I relayed these in another thread but have copied them again here for ease of access (see below).

Secondly, I have also included the breakup side of things (see below too). Our breakup was in effect threefold.

We met at work in April 2017 and she was so intense and declaring love virtually straight away and wanted to get engaged after eight dates. As hard as it is to admit, I fell for her big time. I was even warned by someone to be careful.

So My questions are as follows:

1)   Will she ever think about me like I do about her, or do I not figure whatsoever anymore?

2)   As I cannot reach out, even if I wanted to because of the police dimension (see Feb 2018 breakup below), is she ever likely to pop up again?

3)   Can you ever attract someone exhibiting these behaviours back, or is that it?

4)   When I wrote to her after she blocked me, I did so because she said I did not care about her and pushed her away, so I thought explaining she did mean something to me via letter would have helped soothe her in some way. Does this ever work? I have never done this before.


In terms of the breakup side of things it was a threefold breakup:

Nov 2017 Breakup One: Seemed to change suddenly. Contacted Ex end of Nov 2017 to have access to Facebook as she had blocked me for reasons I did not know. I wanted access as I was drawing a picture of her pet as part of a surprise Xmas present. Access was only for the homepage as we were not linked.  She said she would unblock me, but a week later I was still blocked so I phoned her again about it. She was in the middle of a crisis with her daughter. She said, “I’ve had enough of this, it’s over between us!”  I said, "Well I’m sorry to hear your daughter is unwell please let me know how she is", she responded with, “I’ll let her father know how she is.” She then also sent a follow up text, “We don’t want your Christmas presents either.” I spoke to her at work a couple of days later, but she was adamant it was over so I backed off.

Dec 2017 Breakup Two: At the CEO’s leaving party this would be the last time me and my ex would see each other at work. Given she had dumped me, I left and just said goodbye whilst she was chatting with her colleagues. She then followed me down the stairs and said, “Is that all you are going to say?”, so I said, “Well hope it all works out for you and left”. Half-hour later she text me and said it was 'weird how I would have just left like that'. She said she was planning to come to my leaving lunch the following day (her day off). She came to my work leaving event so I suggested a walk together before Xmas on the 23 Dec 2017 (last time I saw her in person). She agreed to walk but was still adamant she still did not want any Xmas presents otherwise she wasn’t coming. She was very cold on the walk and did not engage in any tactility whatsoever. At the end I went to kiss her and she pulled away. On leaving she asked that I don’t contact her on Xmas day as she did not want anything heavy and to enjoy Xmas with her kids.  
On my birthday end of Dec 2017 I text her to thank her for the birthday card and she responded with, “Leave me alone forever”.  This was because on my last day just before I left the organisation, I sent a generic note to thank everyone for the presents and how I had enjoyed working for the organisation and how I may have met my future partner. This was because my ex had complained that I had denied her at work so thought as I no longer had to do this I could now be more open. She was not happy that I sent such an email without discussing with her first (she did have a point to be fair). I apologised and explained my rationale and she then started texting me.

We text throughout Jan 2018 daily, but it varied day-to-day. Some days her texts displayed disinterest (short and infrequent). At other times she would ask me things like, “Did I miss walking with her?” ":)id I think she was really special." Then followed with “How I pushed her away from the start and how we couldn’t change that now. During this time she refused to meet or take phone calls.

Feb 2018 Breakup Three (Final Breakup): On the 01 Feb 2018 I received a flurry of texts complaining about me saying I never made proper meals when she stayed with me and how the meals were ‘minging' and’ gross’ and how I controlled her food choices and how me being vegetarian was irritating. She then said 'she was off out now'. I said, "Walking your dog now in that case to be vigilant!" (She often walked her dog late). She responded with, “No not walking the dog.” I think she tried to infer she was meeting someone.
In view of this and her negative comments, I sent an email suggesting some space between us (I regret this now) due to her volume of negative texts. This resulted in her then stating, “I would never hear from her again and she was now blocking me.”  

I wrote to her a few times via letter and had no response. The letters were friendly and the content was a mix between jokey friendliness and trying to find solutions. I had no response, so I sent a final letter stating I would not contact her further, but wished her well and included a drawing of her pet I did before Xmas and some useful links to health sites due to a health condition she had. A couple of days later I had a phone call from the police telling me that she had been in touch requesting a clean break. They were friendly but advised it would be best if I did not write to her further as it could then stray into legal terrain. I have not heard from her since her text on the 02 Feb 2018.

The traits I noticed are as follows:

1)   Intense affection from the get go i.e. ‘How I was her soul mate’, ‘sent by the angels to her’, declaring ‘deep love’ and needed constant reassurance i.e. asked whether ‘we had bonded’ and wanted to get engaged by the eighth date and even told her two children to this effect.

2)   After extreme affection from Apr–Nov 2017, then extreme negativity, how I did not care, how I pushed her away, how I was too confident and all the things she seemed to like about me (humour etc) were now a source of annoyance.  Ended relationship suddenly with no immediate explanation. Resumed communication, then because I asked for some space due to her frequent negative texts about me, then said, ‘I would never hear from her again and she was now blocking me everywhere’.  

3)   Contradictions. Said she wanted to get engaged at date eight, but then when suggested getting engaged after eight months, she said she would only get engaged if everything was right, so presumably everything was right after eight dates?

4)   Very negative about her ex-husband and how he does not support her with his/her two children. She would frequently be negative about him in front of their children and in front of me. I would often advise her to temper her notes to him so as not to alienate him. He left when the children were very young and remarried and has two children with his current wife (lives close by). She said he was not emotionally there for her.

5)   Married twice and seemed to have difficult relationship endings. Called or threatened the police on her ex partner, neighbours and contacted the police about me because I sent her some letters (letters were friendly and none threatening) because she blocked me everywhere else.

6)   Poor relationship with parents. Difficult relationship with her mother and father. Alleges her mother constantly criticises her parenting skills (said her mother says she does not do enough for her children!) and alleges her father struggles with both her and his wife’s ‘over parenting' approach. Both tend to do every practical task possible for the children (peel their fruit, clean their rooms and undertake every household task).  Her mother and father have a difficult relationship and were on the verge of splitting.

7)   Has two children (boy and girl). The boy has challenging behaviour and both seem very immature for their ages. Tends to do everything for them then complains how lazy they are.

8)   Always seems to loom from one crisis to the next and has a chaotic home life with few barriers in-situ. Acts immature and as a peer alongside her daughter. Engages in teen speak and always on Snapchat, FB, Whatsapp, Twitter etc (she is in her mid 40’s).

9)   Forever complaining about ailments: Sore legs, headaches, period pains and even criticised me for ‘not saying sorry that her ovaries were hurting’. Daughter also has a lot of ailments and health issues. This impacts on activities. Frequent trips to casualty and lots of conversation about health issues.

10)   Complained that I did not take enough interest in her children, but then appeared frosty when I suggested undertaking cycling or activities with her son that did not involve her. Very protective.

11)   Very focused on her appearance and did not appear to have any hobbies/interests. Talked about enhancement surgery.

12)   Liked to appear to be a victim of circumstances and frequently referred to how she did not like boys/men (during negative phase).

13)   Has a babyish type voice and appears to need rescuing from problems. Often complaining about how men have let her down. If offer advice/solutions pertaining to her problems or children then not taken well as then perceived as criticising her parenting skills.

14)   Appears to get very upset about minor issues and holds onto comments and then later draws upon these as a sign of lack of caring.

15)   Sudden temper outbursts (no violence noted though).

16)   Intense texting all hours and into the early hours during idealisation. Delay of responses causes agitation and interpreted as not caring/lack of interest.

17)   Became jealous. We met at work and she started to question why I was supervising female staff so long and was upset if I did not acknowledge her at work. She did not seem to understand the need to maintain professional boundaries. Asked me if I ever met any single women at the gym or cycling and referred to how I seem to have met women at work.

18)   Showed no interest in my interests or background career. Did not like me to have independent interests. Found hobbies irritating.

19)   Critical of my friends even those who she had never even met.

20)   Did not like me mentioning exe’s and criticised me for talking about them too much, even though she asked the questions. Could not understand why I maintained a friendly relationship with them. I was with my previous ex partner for 19-years and supported her son from the age of 11-30 years old and still maintain a relationship to this day. She did not like this.

21)   Controlling: Said I needed 'retraining' and 'bringing in line big time'.

22)   Destroys all material related to exe’s and did not have any photo’s of her ex-husband (children’s father) on show.

23)   Unable to apologise and take responsibility for events. Does not appear to be able to make the connection between cause and effect. When I said, we both had made mistakes with the relationship; she responded with, “I have not made any mistakes!”

24)   Very black and white thinking. Does not forgive easily and once an ex always an ex. Had very strong views on law and order/capital punishment and was keen to join a local anti-paedophile group.

25)   Had a lot of male friends on Facebook and did not want to link as friends and also blocked me on Facebook from even accessing her homepage.

26)   I never met any of her friends or family.

27)   After seven months she said the relationship was over simply because I asked her to unblock me on Facebook. Later cited that it was because I pushed her away and how she thought I did not even like her, or her children, or her pet.

28)   Very sensitive to criticism, but happily insulting to me. Said food I made was 'gross' and 'minging'. Yet became very upset because I said she looked tired in a photo I sent.

29)   Very sexual, alluring and willing to engage in unsafe sex (but then so was I). Was not averse to having another child with me initially.

30)   After initially breaking up with me continued to text and still needed validation i.e. asking if I thought she was 'very special' and whether 'I missed her'. The next minute hardly any responses and very negative texts about me. Ignored the prospect of ever meeting up and refused to take phone calls during the texting phase (throughout Jan 2018).

31)  Appears to have besmirched my character at work, although I cannot directly prove that. Just had no response from someone I worked closely with.

32)   After saying I would never hear from her again and she was blocking me, did not appear to have any emotional attachment to me whatsoever, or appear perturbed by breaking up. Seemed to move on instantaneously.

Hi Inko.

Just saw you posted this yesterday. I was here last night... .how on earth did I miss your new post?

I'm going to read through this and a couple of your older posts later today. Don't want to ask questions for items you've already addressed.

-ngu

Hi there.  First, I am going to be honest and say only she can really answer many of these.  All I can do is give my opinions/feelings about them. 


1)   Will she ever think about me like I do about her, or do I not figure whatsoever anymore?
Only she can determine this, and if she has BPD, her feelings = her facts, and feelings can change on a dime.  So, the simple answer is sure, she can like you, and then paint you black and hate you all in a short period of time, and without you even knowing what triggered it.  If she feels she is being abandoned, she will likely reach back out to you once she's gone through her emotional BPD cycle of elevated emotions, crisis, then lower-than-average post-crisis emotions - look for tattered Heart's post about the cycle.  Depending on what's going on in their lives, and what other "emotional supply" they have on hand, they may feel positive about you sooner or later, or you may be a very convinient "bad-guy" to blame for quite some time for any and all problems. 

2)   As I cannot reach out, even if I wanted to because of the police dimension (see Feb 2018 breakup below), is she ever likely to pop up again?
See my response above.  Maybe - if she feels she needs you.  That sounds callous and is not meant to be mean about her.  We all "need" people, but her need will likely include a rescuer.  Also, have you sought any legal advice yourself about this?  She might be slandering you and you'd have no recourse against it, and such things these days can seriously affect people for years to come. 

3)   Can you ever attract someone exhibiting these behaviors back, or is that it?
Well, she holds all the cards,  If the police told YOU to not initiate contact, there is nothing you can do to attract her back even if it was advisable.  Yes, a lot of people dating those with BPD often end up "recycled" over and over until one person gets sick of the unhealthy dynamic and ends it for good.  Since the dynamic of the recycling seems to "usually" work to fulfill the emotional needs and expectations of the pwBPD, guess who usually ends it for good?

4)   When I wrote to her after she blocked me, I did so because she said I did not care about her and pushed her away, so I thought explaining she did mean something to me via letter would have helped soothe her in some way. Does this ever work? I have never done this before.
Read up on JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) and you can see that it does the exact opposite of soothing them.  It invlaidates their feelings, tells them they are wrong, and really just works to keep them mad.

When they pull away, the most useful thing to do is to go on with your life, to not chase them. 

Writing a letter for YOUR feelings, so you know you tried is fine.  Doing it to change HER mind rarely works.  The issue is usually not that YOU did not try.  It's that her emotions are disordered and unless she can learn new ways to react, but this takes time, it takes some self awareness that is usually not present in BPD, and it also takes someone working on themselves to earn effect ways to communicate with a person with BPD. 

It's not impossible, many on here show that, and while it has its slings and arrows, I am about to hit 22 years with my BPD H, but it's a long haul, and if the pwBPD has worked very hard to vilify you (police involvement?) and to cut you out, I can't see how you can do much more other than determining how long you'd wait for them to pick up the phone, or to move on.  AND, if you HAVE moved on and she contacts you, how will you respond?

Thanks NGU, would be interested to get your thoughts.

Much appreciated.

Thanks Isilme,

Your responses are helpful and give me some good insight based on real vast experience (22 years) so I hold you in high regard. My responses to your responses as follows:

1) Yes it was a sudden change, although she gave a myriad of reasons based on the period we were together i.e pushing her away from the start, talking about my exe's too much, not making her feel special etc. Although this may well be her perceived reality, interestingly this did not curb her interest levels at the time. Surely if she felt like this way at the time it begs the question as to why she was declaring her love and being so intense? Possibly makes sense to her, but not to me I guess.

I also guess me asking for some space could have triggered her abandonment and subsequent action of how I would 'never hear from her again and blocking me everywhere'. But my action was borne from a tirade of negativity from her, so suggesting space seemed like a sensible option at the time, but I regret that now and I did try to qualify this by writing to her (addressed under Point 4). Yes, I know when I rang the office not expecting her to answer, I felt the anger and annoyance in her voice tone when she answered the phone and realised it was me (four weeks ago). So I guess I am painted black at present. I know she often said that once you are an ex that's it. I don't recall her contacting her previous exe's to be honest.

2) Yes I did worry about the slander aspect, but I have no proof and at present I am inclined not to poke the situation with a stick. My worry is that I could cause her to make even more outrageous claims. That said, if I become privy to untruths she has told about me via third parties then I will certainly consider legal redress as I would have no choice.

3) That is a depressing thought that you could end up in an emotional washing machine repeatedly. I did struggle with restraint and still do some days as I am compelled to contact her, but I instinctively feel that if I did make contact, however well intentioned, she would love to contact the police and that would be the end of my career. Given I was only ever friendly towards her and she did this already speaks volumes about her capable intent.

4) I do regret writing to her now (and not just because of the police aspect). But I guess because she perceived I did not care and I could not reach her any other way (through her actions), naively I perceived this would work. This is the first time I have been dumped in my life (lucky me !), but the irony is I was just going to go NC, but then started to feel guilty and thought if she felt I did not like her and then I went NC then all I was doing is affirming I don't care. Well that was my false perception anyway. It's amazing how I conveniently forgot how she disregarded me and was callous.

Not her fault I know, but at Xmas I lost my mother so it tends to be tinged with sadness anyway and this Christmas my father was not well and I also found out one of my long-term childhood friends tried to kill himself, so it was a tough time irrespective of having to deal with her psychological games over Xmas too i.e 'saying she did not want any Xmas presents after I had already created bespoke gifts'. I do still get angry at the way she responded to me when in my mind it was not justified. I have to keep reminding myself that she is ill (or gives that impression based on her actions). Anyway note to self. I would never chase anyone again as it clearly does not work. I made an exception in her case because of what she was saying and seemed so hurt and fragile and appealed to my better nature. I just would not want to upset her because of the way she often presents like a vulnerable child. I clearly had a lot to learn regarding effective strategies. I tend to be an open person and am generally not a fan of psychological games, but I can see that a special type of person requires a special type of response that I was not geared up for. I only found out about BPD when it was too late.

It's a good question you ask re: how I would respond if she made contact. Truthfully, my mind fluctuates constantly, but the issue for me is she is undiagnosed, so I haven't got a diagnosis to fall back on. I'm not sure she would even recognise she had a problem as so far she has already said she has not made any mistakes, so based on a lack of insight and her behaviours hitherto I am not sure I could go through all this again. I want to be able to fall in love without fear that by doing so will trigger her departure. I want my energies to be on my creative life and trying to get through the world of work and coming home to a sanctuary and not a psychological war zone.