BPDFamily.com

Hi there,

So me and my uBPDw had a problem over household chores. You would think I would learn from the past but im a slow learner. Anyway it ended the same way it always does, angry and unresolved.

I have learnt to not to keep seeking closure while she is angry/sad/stressed after a situation and this has helped a lot to make sure the situation doesn't continue BUT I was always left feeling down from the failed situation.

This time instead of just leaving her alone I went in and told her I loved her and hugged her and really meant it. Her reaction wasn't amazing like everything is fine BUT I felt that it did give the situation some kind of closure and leaves us in a better position than if I had just stayed away until she eventually came to me like nothing had ever happened.

It took me realising that my over thinking and annoyance at her doesn't help anything so I decided to swallow my pride and go tell her how I actually do feel about her and it feels like a positive decision.

Even if it doesn't change the way my wife feels it has changed the way I feel for the better and that can only be a good thing.

Christianboy

Yeah. I had to admit that about myself. As for you, you're here and even posting a followup. I'm sensing some learning going on.

And this is a nice followup. Her reaction might not have been the glorious Disney ending you'd want, but you also said you've learned not to keep seeking closure.

You might not even get any acknowledgement (at least for a good while) if you start doing enough chores. But yeah, you'll personally feel better, and that will end up subtly helping in the relationship department.

-ngu

It's not so much swallowing your pride.  It's realizing and accepting that she can't give you the closure you think you need, and that's actually not the worst thing in the world.  Once we can identify what is and is not within their ability to share with us, the resentment that can come from not getting it can be a little assuaged.

BPD makes people process things in ways that seem weird, callous, mean, or uncaring to the rest of us.  I think in reality, they have a computer that is so overloaded with their own disorganized, out of control emotions that they have little processing power left for even thinking about ours.   Based on things H says even when he's in a "good" mood, it sounds like he's got snakes in his brain.

When we have a fight, I have learned the very worst thing to do it try to rehash it, or "discuss" it more.  In a way, that is just a form of JADEing, trying to justify, argue, defend, or explain.  And it's all very invalidating, sounds like more accusations and blame, and will just trigger another blow up.

Instead, I simply act as if it did not happen, and give him time to reorganize his mind.  There are stages, and you can look for a post about the Crisis Cycle (I need to bookmark it) that can show you the stages, and how some members make their way through them.  For me, after we are coming down from the crisis, I stay out of the way, both to protect myself from further raging, and also to give him space to calm down.  I will talk simply to him about non-emotional things - good night, good morning, when do you get lunch today.  After a while, I simply go hug him, and that's it.  That's the "we're okay" validation I need, and the best I will get.  And I am okay with it, because it's what seems to work best for us and we can move forward.

It is really good to hear you say this.  I understand that I should not be resentful when it feels like my feelings don't matter even the slightest, but that can be pretty hard.  This is a good way to look at it and should help me to ground my resentments when they crop up.

One thing I've noticed that my wife does is *assign* feelings to me rather than deal with my real ones.  I thought it was just bizarre, but through the lens you just presented, perhaps it is simply that she *does* care about my feelings, but processing my real feelings just takes more processing power than she is capable of mustering, and dealing with the feelings she imagines I have is probably a lot easier.  Hey, this means she's trying :)


Oh my... .Snakes in the brain.  That describes it so well.  I am going to have to lock this in the back closet so I don't bust out laughing.  That will not go over well :)

Given how much things they say and do can hurt, it IS important to try to look at it as best as we can, to appreciate when effort IS made. 

I think a relationship can live with anger, sadness, depression, even infidelity to a point, but not resentment.  Resentment is a slow poison that makes your loved less than human, and easier to fall out of love with.  I think it's very important for us, as the more emotionally capable and aware partner, to try to learn about BPD and how it might be making our SOs think and feel.  It's helped me a lot with being able to BE more validating and supportive over the years.  Seriously, how can we validate someone we think hates us and is just being mean for meanenss' sake?  We can't.  So we need to look at them and try our best to see how the world looks through BPD colored glasses - they lack the ability to do the same for us, usually.  It's just part of the condition.