BPDFamily.com

Hello,

This is my first post, and I need help.

I've been in a relationship for 4 years.  We've had our ups and downs but in my memory and reflection on our time together it has mostly been good or great.  And the great times were the happiest of my life.  I love her very much and have often been so confused how we remember moments of our relationship differently, particularly the bad moments (arguments, fights, things I did that let her down, brief separations, etc).  Sometimes it's as if just a few of those moments are what define out entire relationship to her, and she throws them in my face even though we worked through it then and I have apologized over and over again since.  She goes through episodes where she completely shuts me out, then comes out of it like it never happened.  She has an all or nothing personality that has confused me and left me worried about her often. 

We had been living together for 3 years, and about 5 months ago she walked out.  I was heart broken and could not understand what was going on in her head or what I had really done so horribly wrong.  A couple weeks went by and every time I had an opportunity to talk to her she would be fixated on 3 or 4 bad moments over the course of our 4 year relationship.  Then I found out she had immediately started seeing someone else within days of leaving.  And later found out he had been pursuing her before she left.

In my despair I started trying to truly understand her.  We had both researched what it looks like to be bi-polar in the past and both agreed that she was not.  That may sound strange, but at one point earlier in her life a close family member had suggested they thought she was bi-polar.  She has never denied she has mood swings, but she also does recognize how often and extreme it is.    It wasn't till after the break up I discovered BPD.  In the past 4 months (since 1 month after the breakup) we have been on again off again and I have come to realize that she does have many characteristics of someone with BPD. 

The other guy lingered in the picture up until about a month ago.  During that time I witnessed her mood swings and self loathing speech escalate to all time highs, with not more than 3 days going by without her slipping into what she calls her dark place.
And some times she would stay there for days at a time.  She appears to have finally broke free of him and we have had some really great times reuniting.  However there is still a lot of emotion she is experiencing that I don't understand.  I am learning to respond to her better keeping in mind her BPD tendencies.  I make it a point to reassure her that I love her and when needed that I forgive her.  I even am starting to recognize the signs that she is starting on a down slope, but I have no idea what the triggers are. 

Last week she went from writing me a wonderful love note expressing how much she appreciates my patience and love to pushing me away and telling me to just move on.  This change of heart seems to come out of nowhere. 

Things really went south when we unexpectedly encountered the other guy last week.  We only saw him from a distance, but I could tell it affected her.  A conversation ensued and I knew I should have backed off but instead I pressed for reassurance that it was really over and she was not communicating with or even thinking about him.  My jealousy really took over my emotions.  That was a week ago tomorrow.  I tried to apologize and reassure her I loved her the next day and attempted to talk to her 2 days after that and she just blew me off.

We haven't seen or spoken to one another in 3 days.  I tell myself she just needs time, but I'm worried about her.  She seems to be holding in a lot of emotion: fear, guilt, anger, etc.  And she doesn't appear to be talking to anyone about it. 

There's so much more to this story that is hard to share without sounding like a crazy jealous ex boyfriend, but the reality is, I've known this other guy for a long time.  He has a reputation as a drunk and drug addict who manipulates and takes advantage of women.  Even though I knew this regrettably I used to call him a friend.  Im much careful about choosing my friends now. 

At times over the last month she has confessed to friends how stupid she felt for falling for him now that she's seen who he really is now and fears that I won't love her anymore, but then she comes back at me and says it is my fault she was even in a position to have been able to fall for him. 

Bottom line is... .I don't know what to do.  I love her deeply and want to see her come through this.  I want be there for her and hopefully share a life with the woman I spent the last 4 years with.  Knowing about BPD and feeling strongly that this is something she struggles with actually gives me hope.  I wish I had known about this 4 years ago, it would have made so much more sense why she is the way she is sometimes. 

But I fear that these past 5 months and the decisions she has made will keep her trapped.  Her cycle of mood swings and outbursts are incredibly rapid and more extreme than ever.  She references her poor decisions but sternly refrains from sharing any details, with me or anyone else.

Should I keep my distance?  How do I know when to attempt to draw her near again.  How do I cope with this lonely feeling that overwhelms me when ever she pulls away and pushes me away.

I am in therapy and that has helped, but I started listening to the book "Walking on Eggshells" and Im realizing Im going to need more than therapy if I'm gonna be with this woman.  I need to know Im not the only one who's struggling with this.  I need advice from someone who's been here before.  I don't want to abandon her.  I want to love her. 

Please help.

Welcome, ConfusedBF!

*welcome*

I wanted to take a moment to welcome you to the discussion forums. I'm so sorry for what you're going through but glad you have found a community where many of us have been through similar experiences, and we can learn from each other. From what you have written, it seems clear you will get good ideas and support here if you continue to read and post. In short, you have found the best place in the world for understanding, compassion, and education as it relates to coping with loved ones who have personality disorders.

Thank you for sharing with us what you have thus far:


I just have to applaud you for being willing to continue to put forth effort into understanding your SO. In my opinion, that's true love. This site is rather HUGE, however, there are many, many articles related to bettering your relationship with the angle of using healthy communication techniques, setting needed boundaries, and validating what is valid. You will find these articles in the right-handed panel on this board. We can help you with questions, point you in the direction of additional resources, or just be a sounding board.



I know that it can feel quite maddening to not know the answers to these two questions. However, in time, only YOU will know how best to answer them. We don't give run or stay advice here.


Tune in here, and be amazed. I know you are here by way of sorrow, but I just want you to know that you are among peers, friend. Unfortunately, there are legions of us! I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. However, I think you'll find a lot of parallels here - lots of members (including me) have similar stories. You will see from reading the posts here that you are far from alone.

Tell us more about your story. It helps you to get it out, and it helps others when they see that they are not the only ones suffering. We look forward to hearing more from you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck