BPDFamily.com

Hello erveryone,

I'm new here and have only reacted on some posts. This is the first post I make for myself.

On 22 april my relationship with my wife wil start it seventh year. The first couple of years where awesome. My wife comes from Paramaribo in Suriname and I'm from Holland. From our first day I loved her very must. Before our time she has gone to a difficult time. A divorce and she cut the tides with her mother and sister. I noticed right away that she was really hurt and that not everything she had gone trough had find there place inside her. I didn't mind that. She was sweet and I could help her get happier in live. After a couple of months we had a great vacation in Macedoniä.

We are both religious and I took her religious church as my one. The Seventh Days Adventist church. After nine months we both really wanted to have children. And within days she was pregnant. Men, I was in heaven. In november 2013 our son was born. I was the happiest man a live. Also because we went trough a difficult pregnantcy for my wife, I difficult conflict with my wifes employer and we barely made it to buy a house on which I had a lot of work to get everything in order to live in with our son. But 1 month before its birth everything was the way it should be. I (and my girl) had work real hard for this.

After the birth my girl almost got depressed, because she didn't have work. Started an education and still couldn't find work. Two times she found work for 3 months and lost it.

At the end of 2015 she started to get troubles with my father. Diffirent views in rasing our child. Nothing real big, but she made it huge. Right away she wanted to make the time my parents had with there grandson limited. I was against this. We came to a understanding.

In april 2016 I asked my girl to become my wife. She was so happy. We both were. So had also found work. In may 2016 the second eruption between my father and my wife happend. I though both were stubborn people, but I managed to get everything quite again.

In october 2016  we went to Suriname for four weeks. Great holiday, but when we came back it went wrong between my parents and here again. Now she could decided the way we went. The time my parents saw my son became limited and my girl almost never went te them. But after a few weeks she suggested to put things back to normal. I was happy, but she still almost never went to my parents.

On 24th of May 2017 we got married. The weeks before that where very hectic and made her real stressful. A couple of days before the marriage it went wrong again. We still got married but from than on it went worse and worse.

I got accusations and angry attacks I could not believe that could happen. I had to cut of my parents from my sons live to save my marriage. I became desperate. We went into relationship therapy, but that failed. Everything was my fault. Things got extremly worse at the end of September. She started to call me names, made me and my family sick racists pigs, said horrible things over me agianst my son. I was so desperate that I called the police and went out of the house in October 1ste. Since then I live with a friend.

We had our ups and downs since than and about a month ago I finally found out that she is 'the good functioning invisible BP'. My therapist confirms this. Since thn I have been reading the book 'The borderline guide' and have weekly therapist sessions. I started to make some progress with her, even when her mother is still with her. She lives with her for six months now in our house and we think she has the same disorder. Than in the beginning of this week our mutual helpers, she don't wantto have, said they stop our case because our son has not been hurt enough in the proces. His development is rather good. They expect us to come back with them later when we are in a horrible break up of the marriage. I really can't believe there decision.

I'm still working hard on my skills to handle her behavior and that of her mother, but they feel invincible now. In the last three days we had to escalations. The one of yesterday was about reading a bedtime story.

My mother in law is a real religious fanatic (davidian) en my wife is starting to become one. This makes it only harder.

By the behavior they show I can see that I'm making progress. But things are getting worse at the moment and I'm so tired. I'm scared what this will do with my son and there is a feeling in my belly which feels really bad. It is so hard to go through this first face after changing my behavior that sometimes I feel almost sick and really scarred.

What can I do in this difficult beginning to keep the confidence I have regained? I know the bounderies I'm trying to set wil eventually help her. But I feel so broken everyday. It feels like I fight I can't win.

How do I stay strong?

Thanks for every reaction.

LovingDad.

P.S. Sometimes the English is probly not that well. Sorry for that.

 

It is very scary to try new responses to dramatic situations.  Even if we know our standby response can make things worse in the short and long runs, trying anything new adds stress to an already stressful situation.

I've also found having your borderline partner around their parents is very challenging.  Even non-borderline parents often have contributed to the BPD behaviors of their children, even if only through being enablers, often from having a variation of BPD themselves.  So, my hat is off to you.

As far as staying strong - post on this board.  I will state that having a place to write things down that is not a diary (my teenage diary was photocopied and mailed to relatives by my BPD dad, cant keep a "normal" journal since) that can be stolen, is a lifesaver.  make sure you are using a name and online presence that is not tied to other accounts or easily identified if your W comes across it.  You NEED a place to be open, honest, and get feedback from others who've been in similar shoes. 

I recommend reading up on Extinction Bursts:

www.https://bpdfamily.org/2010/10/partner-have-borderline-personality.html

I know our spouses are not children, and I don't sue this analogy to denigrate them, but I think some of their coping skills got stuck at age two.  Think about a toddler, a tired, cranky toddler, and how they behave when they need a nap.  The tantrums escalate and then, finally, they pass out, nap, and then things are better when they wake.

Changing your behavior upsets the balance that your W (and her mom) is used to.  If she is used to yelling and getting her way, she will try yelling louder if it stops working.  Our calm or new responses can be very invalidating to them because they NEED us to mirror and share their emotions.  And that is ok.  They can freak out.  They can escalate.  If you can be steady and constant, just like you know you'd need to be with a tantrum-throwing child, it "should" peter out. 

It's a process that will be ongoing for the rest of your life - BPD is always there, but you CAN find ways that work in your relationship to mitigate the drama and abuse. 

As for your children - I'd find age-appropriate ways to explain to them that mommy sometimes gets really mad and may say things she won't remember later, and that when she is mad it is not their fault, and they are not responsible for her emotions.  As a child of a BPD mother (and father) I cans ay kids often thin they need to help the disordered parent.  They feel it's their job, their reason for existing.  So ask your therapist maybe about ways to help the kids NOW. 

Hi, Isilme,

Thanks for your response. I have been reading the article. Your response and the article made me feel beter. |iiii

I will keep posting and reading other post. It is really nice to have this place.

My hat off to you too. It must have been really difficult to have two BPD parents.

Greetings,

LovingDad