BPDFamily.com

Hey all,

I registered to this site months ago, though I avoided posting because it's been a process for me to accept that my girlfriend has many BPD traits and that the problems in my relationship are not solely my fault. We've been together about four years now and are engaged, though we are nowhere near actually getting married. I finished a masters' degree program a year ago, found a decent paying job, and got my own place. She moved in with me. Before she moved in, everything was amazing, but since we started living together our problems have been compounding on one another to the point where I do not know what to do.



For context, we share MANY things in common, including diagnoses of ADHD, major depression, and generalized anxiety disorder. We are both medicated for ADHD, and I have begun taking antidepressants since we moved in together. Even though we share several disorders, somehow our problems fall squarely on my shoulders... .the house is messy because I do not do my share, our relationship is getting worse because of my depression, our fights are circular because I anxiety spiral... .or so she says, and so I believe... .


But am I that dysfunctional? Is it truly me? I have family I speak to. I have friends, though I have noticed I have been isolating myself from them over the past year. I have friendly relationships with my co-workers. I have a job. I have college degrees. She comes from a history of abuse and does not speak to her family. She has no friends. She works, but makes very little money. I pay for the majority of our expenses. She is still working on her bachelor's. How can I be so dysfunctional, so broken, and sustain all this?


When she likes me, she tells me I am her favorite person and that I am wonderful and amazing. And when she hates me, I am horrible and depressed and the worst thing in the world. There is no in between. Love or hate. Jekyll and Hyde.


When she is Jekyll, she knows she has problems. She does see a therapist weekly. I have no idea how to address fully my feelings, because I do not want to awaken Hyde. When she is Hyde, all is wrong, the world is bad, she wants to die but won't because our pets need her (and I am too inept to care for them according to her). When she is Hyde, all is wrong and bad. Sometimes, I can get her to take her anxiety medication when she is Hyde and she snaps out of it. Sometimes not.


I miss her, the way she was, back when she was Jekyll all the time and we could speak together. I finally found a therapist who will take my insurance and I am meeting her tomorrow. For now, I don't know what to do. Hyde is lying on the floor in the hallway, refusing to speak with me because I made a mistake while cleaning the kitchen earlier. And I am here, reaching out to the void of the internet. I hoped I would not have to post here, and that my suspicions were wrong, but... .here I am. :)

Hi sailorpluto and welcome!   Glad you felt ready to post and share your story.

You did the right thing to post here and seek help. The "Jekyll and Hyde" dynamic is frequently shared about here. Your girlfriend may not necessarily be diagnosed as BPD, but she clearly seems to have "BPD traits" as you describe, and these can be very difficult to cope with, especially if you are dealing with your own depression, which she does not seem able to empathize with. It also sounds like you are bearing most of the burdens all around. That's really rough.

You says she knows she has problems. How does she characterize them? What are your hopes for your own therapy, e.g. the side of things you can control?

~ROE

Welcome, sailorpluto!

*welcome*

I wanted to take a moment to join Roland of Eld in welcoming you to the discussion forums. I'm so sorry for what you're going through but glad you have found a community where many of us have been through similar experiences, and we can learn from each other. From what you have written, it seems clear you will get good ideas and support here if you continue to read and post. In short, you have found the best place in the world for understanding, compassion, and education as it relates to coping with loved ones who have personality disorders.

Thank you for sharing with us what you have thus far:


I am so sorry you are faced with this. Even so, I just have to applaud you for being willing to continue to put forth effort into understanding your girlfriend. In my opinion, that's true love. This site is rather HUGE, however, there are many, many articles related to bettering your relationship with the angle of using healthy communication techniques, setting needed boundaries, and validating what is valid. You will find these articles in the right-handed panel on this board. We can help you with questions, point you in the direction of additional resources, or just be a sounding board.

Tell us more about yourself and your story. It helps you to get it out, and it helps others when they see that they are not the only ones suffering. We look forward to hearing more from you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck