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Hi family

Am working through things, processing, as each comes up.

My story is here, been here since November.

Also, I am working the 12 steps in al anon.

What I saw was I never acknowledged my s.o. for his contribution to my younger dtr, what I have learned is that daughters learn from the father figure most.  I have two daughters, the older one D26, went to live w her biological dad when she was 14.  our other daughter, was w me during most of the r/s w my s.o., she lived w us for 5 Yrs, then she went to live w her biological dad too.
During that 5 years, she saw all the ups and downs, she was 11-16 years.  She is turning out so well... .I wanted to acknowlege my separated s.o. for his contribution. To my dtr.  He drove the carpool.  He did a lot for her, and i think it was good for him as well, he got to be around a tween.  

So, last night I sent him (my separated s.o.) a text, saying his work ethic was great, and that she got her work ethic from him, and i wanted to acknowlege his contribution.

He responded back, "you already acknowleged that,
You have a good work ethic, and thank you for your contributions to my daughter."

So, when i read his reply, it felt like my acknowledgement was batted back.

I felt shame, not being accepted, and i think I am over reacting?

All i wanted was thank you.  Or just something like, cool.  That's great.

Is it their way of avoiding responsibility.

I just don't get it.

it all doesnt even matter.

I said what there was for me.

Thank you,  juju

Hey Juju

I like your one-at-a-time idea. It's focusing and probably keeps the list of problems from getting overwhelming.

Wow, it would be so easy to just say you're overreacting. But you're also trying to figure out WHY he's saying these things.

So many of our problems in relationships are communication-based. So. Many.
For example, he couldn't even thank you for saying something nice.

Maybe it's him having a bad day. Maybe it's a bit of low self esteem. Either way, it's always easier to type out the first thing that pops into your head, versus taking a few seconds to think about the situation. Yeah, even processing a compliment.

Does that even remotely make sense? Nope. People have a hard time taking the high road. Because basically the high road is too high.

You mentioned al-anon. So this probably sounds familiar.


A bad outcome does not erase the fact that you did a nice thing. You added some positivity to the world. Good on you.

-ngu

Hi juju,  

is it true you had said this before to him? does he have resentments toward you that are possibly valid?

let’s keep the focus on you... .was your intention entirely free of expectation? how can you maintain your own self esteem even if he does not want your “compliments”?

with compassion, pearl.

Hi family,

Thank you for the responses.

Heck yes Pearl, he has a lot of resentments.

Everything was always my fault.  He tore his rotator cuff when I met him, he forgot about that, like 8 yrs later it was acting up, and he said it was from when I didn't help him lift something.  He said it was recent... .

This response he gave me, probably true that i did already say that to him.

guess I should not text him if am in a bad space. 

The text he sent also reminds me of how i could never do anything right.

 am venting...

He did apologize to me in a text a week and a half ago.  About him always saying I kept a messy house.  He said he was truly sorry about that.  He has a messy house, he said and it can't be my fault.

Progress.  Progress.

juju

To answer you question Pearl.  I can maintain my self esteem because its none of my business what he or anyone thinks about me.

I am a child of God, worthy, lovable.  And so is every one else.

And speaking to what N shared, texts can be right off the top of your head.  It's best not to give a text much weight.

Juju,

My ex could never receive compliments gracefully.  She always would do what yours did.

I think it’s how they cope. 

hi juju,

I want to acknowledge you felt hurt in this instance. This outcome is not what you hoped for.

I also, if I may analyze/explore this a bit with you to encourage personal growth, want to ask if your compliment was just a compliment, a statement you made as a gift to him, or actually meant to get something for yourself in return? Namely, a compliment in return. I ask this because compliments aren’t always compliments…they are sometimes efforts to pull others towards us, to get our own needs met. Is it possible he just didn’t want to give you the gift of a compliment because sometimes compliments are a bit manipulative in a sense?

If I am pushing you uncomfortably I apologize! I just know sometimes there are more to compliments than meet the eye and since you are doing a lot of self-work you might want to ask yourself about this. It is not a criticism of you, just a gentle nudge to examine one’s expectations.

warmly, pearl.

Yes, Pearl, I need to look at that.

He is weary of compliments.

He used to say, you almost never hear me giving compliments .
And it's true.  He doesnt.

I know it must be hard. Sounds like you are trying to repair things in the relationship and he is not as open to it. That can happen! Don't let it get you down! Keeping the focus on yourself, giving yourself positive self-talk seems like it could help.

with compassion, pearl.

Hey juju,

I can relate with giving my partner compliments too. She would never believe me or accept them. I think it was because she was too insecure about herself. It hurts trying to show someone emotion and compassion but it gets undermined and to come off as you’re not being true to them. It hurts how much they mean to us but sometimes they don’t understand.

I also want to echo Pearlsw and say that you’re positive self talks and mindfulness  are very helpful. I see you posting them and I reflect my situation with your words and they are very insightful and create bliss in my moments of despair. Keep posting my friend and continue your growth .