BPDFamily.com

This has been a rough 2018 already.  H and I have both been sick off and on all winter, his diabetes management is still a work in progress (it will always be I guess), he has been suffering from kidney stones these last two weeks, and just today he learned that the place he works does not have a high enough enrollment to stay open more than 2 more years, unless they get a vastly higher number of students in a month or so for the next cohort.

So, he will get to say his doom and gloom predictions are now ALL true, plus I will need to see how much I can assist in him getting another job.  The stars are weirdly aligned where the abusive boss from his old job is gone, and the person who stole his position will likely be leaving soon - I just hope 1-2 more people also leave in the meantime and then he'd consider going back there if the position reopens.  It would be at a higher pay, and he really, really liked the work and was suited to it.  But the environment both emotionally and physically hurt him.  I don't know if that's a solution to pray for, or what.

Anyway. I just needed to post this to help keep me centered so I can avoid trying to invalidate his perfectly valid emotions about this.

Dear isilme,

I'm sorry you and you're husband are going through this. Sounds like a bleak time.

I just wanted to pop in to say that I hear you. 


-Speck

Thanks.

Last night he did much better than I'd anticipated.  I suppose I often don't give him enough credit for being as strong as he can emotionally.  He is certainly not as volatile or unstable as he used to be.  I am hoping he can stave off depression over this.

He waffled quite a bit between levels of "I am a failure, and need to spend tonight selling everything I own off on ebay and go live with my mom" to "I guess it will be okay".  As I was laid off myself in 2013 due to the great recession and budget cuts at my grant-funded job, I tried to let him know I can actually sympathize, and did my best to emphasize that this is not about him as a person or a worker, it's the logistics of student enrollment dropping causing a lot of statewide cutbacks in high ed.  A lot of schools are facing enrollment drops, and our funding from the state is directly tied to the number of students retained and enrolled. 

I make a little more than he does (which I do NOT mention as I know it hurts his self esteem a bit), but it's not like his paycheck and insurance is not needed.  I think the fear of losing insurance scares him more than a drop in income.  Now that he is diabetic and now that he has kidney stones, yes, we both fear what it would mean for him to not be insured.  So I will not let that happen.

I did my best to tell him I did NOT feel angry or disappointed in him, and also that his feelings were perfectly normal and it's okay to feel them.  At one point he tried to needle me with a claim I was being a hypocrite as I was also obviously worried about his job but he seemed to listen when I said, "No, and I worried about YOU, your physical and mental well being."

I suppose I need to determine if we can go forward with the plan to trade in at least one of our 10 year old cars (ones a 2007, the other a 2008) and get a newer, more reliable vehicle, or to focus on intensive savings. 

We were both hoping for a few years to save up, catch up, and to make up for having to live paycheck to paycheck with NO savings for the majority of our time together.

I can only pray things will work out.  One of his friends was on the group chat when he told us about it, and the friend is very invested in trying to keep him busy to keep his mind off it as much as he can, as well as keep his mind off the health issues.  Friends being nice makes me want to cry.  I don't know how to deal with that.  Being a stone when things are falling apart, trying to make sure to do what's got to be done, I can do that, that's what I am wired to do.  People being nice?  Deer in the headlights.

Hi Isilme, 

Thought I'd pop on over and say hello to you and share a  .

These are tough things you have on your plate. Thank you for doing your best to be validating and encouraging in spite of how hard and frightening the situation. Emotions must surely be at a very high level. I think insecurity does that to us, to everyone. I'm really glad you shared this with us. You need some caring hearts and listening ears to validate you right now.

Yes, I know, I'm being kind. Darn it, not trying to make you feel like that deer.   Let's turn off the head :thought:, okay? One day at a time, and please keep sharing.
 
 
Wools

Oh no! I can only imagine how stressful things are for him. It's hard when our pwBPD is so negative and then those negative emotions are reinforced with being true. It sounds like you guys might have a bit of a plan though. Will he begin searching for a new job now or wait to see if his current job is going to end for sure?

I don't know about your H, but mine finds a great deal of worth in his job, regardless of how much he hates it. How is your H handling the news? Is he worried about how this will affect you financially?