BPDFamily.com

I keep thinking of what Clint Eastwood told Gene Hackman in the movie Unforgiven:

"I don't deserve this."

":)eserving's got nothing to do with it."

Maybe a better title would be, "Is It Possible For You To Be Happy?"

This could fit here,  or on PSI (the family with BPD board).

I don't think I deserve anything I don't work for,  first of all,  so maybe I'm answering my question. 

At D6's birthday dinner the other day, I was alone with my ex while the kids and ex laws were outside.  She asked me about a woman at work, and another I'd meet at the park whose son plays with my kids.  She was asking me if I'd found anyone.

Today, my friend and coworker told me to get on E-Harmony. After two false starts, he found his wife after a BPD marriage years ago. I've been happy for him.

I was mentioning to one of my Secret Squirrels that I would see people on Facebook posting wedding pictures and how happy they were.  I see older people posting great things and photos of extended families and tribes.  Truthfully? I'm happy for them.  More truthfully, I can't imagine being the groom in a happy wedding, the center of attention and love.  I'd be awaiting the other shoe to drop (drama, dysfunction, pain).

This might partially explain why I hooked up with a woman who told me early on "I hate marriage!" I was let off the hook in advance. Shame on me for having two kids given that rubric. I hope that they can forgive me someday... .though it would have ended up similarly. 

My mom ended up a hermit. Lost everything and it's stuck on a nursing home.  Even more detached from reality than she always kind of was.  In my teens, I saw the guy who eventually became my step dad when I was 30, live the hermit life. I don't want to end up Lee either of them.  Financially,  at least at this point,  I'm light years away from how they ended up.  Emotionally? My goal is to move out of state as soon as the kids are in college (13 years) and retire to my "compound" in Idaho, maybe.

Bottom line,  I see "love" as too much of a risk, both financially, but more so emotionally.  I know logically that this may not be true,  but I think that I don't want to be responsible for someone else. 

As a PSI kid,  what haunts me is that I may not think I'm deserving of love. 

In one of the journals my ex left when she abandoned my home my ex wrote, "Turkish is everything a woman could want in a man.  Why can't I love him?" It was both validating and painful. 

Hi Turkish,
Wow, would a powerful thing for your ex to say, yet so sad that she could see your value but she herself could not do it, and by "do it" I mean make the relationship work for her.   Similarly, I found it so very sad that my ex wanted so much to have a woman in his life, like me, but in the end his illness prevented him from fulfilling that want that I believe he always knew he could not achieve. Because of this I cannot be angry at him, but need to have  that 100% NC because I am still in love with him and it makes no sense entertaining any thoughts of another cycle.

Don't let the experience with your ex prevent you from finding happiness. She could see your worth and there are those that would treasure a good man like yourself. Love is always risky but it can be so beautiful and enhance your life.
Zen606

Do you see her writing as about her... .or about you?

FF

Do you think it was left intentionally to be read, I got plenty of these mind games.

Do I deserve to be happy? I already am, I just needed to recalibrate the idea of what happy meant. but excellent post, I like where you said it needs to be worked for, it doesnt just come automatically. Like tending to a garden, I needed to first get rid of the weeds, I already feel happy knowing that I can now start afresh and be selective and careful of who I choose as friends or R/S. Today in fact, I deleted another out my phone book and it felt great, where-as in the past I was quick to forgive.

"life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" from the United States declaration of independence. it is enshrined https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Life,_Liberty_and_the_pursuit_of_Happiness as a right, not a privelege.

but yes again, has to be worked for. I did get happiness in my R/S, but the work/happiness/unhappiness ratio was all wrong.

My wife has left lots of things in the printer... .accidentally...

I thought the same thing... .that it was left on purpose.

FF

I hear you Turkish.

I'd be awaiting the other shoe to drop (drama, dysfunction, pain).

I’ve Been on here for the past 3 years. There have been many low and lonely days in there. Following my discard I was alone for a while.
Last summer I got very close to someone. We were very very happy. But due to life work family circumstances a lasting relationship wasn’t realistic. That was pretty crushing. Now I’m fearful I will disappoint my current SO if or when this r/s ends. The r/s I had with my BPD ex and my last SO gave me a rush. Not in a bad way, but just a felling I can’t explain. Maybe that I’ve been through a couple tough endings, internally I just don’t get as worked up or excited. I could not ask for a better person to be with than my current gal yet here I am worried either I’ll hurt her by letting her down or she will flip and I’ll be tossed? Who knows maybe this is how our ex’s felt dealing with us. I tuely don’t want to hurt anyone, I don’t want to be alone all the time and I feel I should be More than satisfied with my current circumstances but maybe I’m still a little damaged.

Hi Turk,


Weddings, that’s pretty far down the road don’t you think   What do you think about online dating? What about the one at work and the other one at the park? Do you think that they’d go out for coffee with you if you asked? There’s no commitment there.

Hey, Turkish. Good movie by the way.

I don't think I deserve anything I don't work for,  first of all,  so maybe I'm answering my question.

I can relate to this, but I’m trying to change my mindset on this. I’m able to relate with your upbringing a bit, and I’m confident in saying that this thought pattern may have been conditioned. Along with this conditioning, it’s easy to forget that we have unalienable rights as human beings.

More truthfully, I can't imagine being the groom in a happy wedding, the center of attention and love.  I'd be awaiting the other shoe to drop (drama, dysfunction, pain).

My T touched on this with me today. She picked up on how I can see happiness in others, but not myself at this point. She also suggested that it could possibly be due to being responsible for the happiness of others when I was vulnerable and being molded, and that it has subconsciously stuck with me.

Bottom line,  I see "love" as too much of a risk, both financially, but more so emotionally.  I know logically that this may not be true,  but I think that I don't want to be responsible for someone else.

There will always be risk involved with becoming vulnerable enough to love another. The greater risk is to let it be known. Money? I’ve been burnt in my last 2 relationships. I believe that all of this becomes null and void if and when the person comes along that is responsible for themselves and it simply fits. Don’t let that journal rattle you. They do that stuff on purpose. It was done to me like you and the others.

As a PSI kid,  what haunts me is that I may not think I'm deserving of love.  

Turkish, you most certainly are deserving of love. All people are. You strike me as someone that gives more than you receive. Don’t be afraid to reposition yourself to receive a little more receiving. You’ve been operating at a level that is above and beyond what is required of you as a parent. Don’t be afraid to change things up a bit to better suit you, and to possibly show the kids a different dynamic that is equally healthy.

To answer your question? Yes, I do.

The journal I discussed here 4 years ago. Yes, it was left by itself on the bathroom hutch after she cleared out all of her female supplies. Ditto for the one on the couch.  I returned them within a week as I brought over box after box to her mom's.  Probably on purpose. I thought about keeping them but didn't want the kids to see them later.  Also, I didn't want to keep reading them.  :)etach man!

Muttley, the security guard told me,  "I wish you were my daughter's daddy! Just kidding.  Actually not... ." ugh.

Tobiasfunke good to see you still popping in!


Exactly this. I'm not sure how to detach from this mindset.

Good point about modeling for the kids.  I hope that they will turn out better than me.  :)espite being almost run down by a kid in an Audi SUV this evening (60mph in a 30, honking and on my tail),  I'm happy today.  But safe is only temporarily happy,  not Existentially.  

Hi Turkish!

How much of your inability to imagine yourself in a happy relationship is because you have not, at this point, ever had one?  You have no reference for it.  Pictures on facebook or trying to put yourself in the shoes of some other person who is happy will only give you a vague idea of what that is like.

On top of that being a PSI kid i think it is even harder to have had a relationship with a person who you thought was 'the one' who came with a ready made big loud "happy" family, another thing you never had and could only dream of, and then to find out 'the one' was just like anyone else who ever betrayed you or gave you far less than you are worth.  It hurts me to think about it. 

You know I struggle with the same issue ---> wondering if I am worthy of love.  I can't even use the word deserve because I am not really sure what that means.  Is someone out there keeping track of all the things that happen in my life and then decide I deserve something good or something bad?  I get confused so I avoid the word when I can.   

I am not sure I know how not to take care of other people in a relationship.  Isn't that part of being in a relationship?  Is it just a matter of degree?

Okay, not sure I added much here.  Mostly I just wanted to let you know I am listening and can relate.  Oh yeah.  I care too.