BPDFamily.com

Hello,

My husband died in April 5/2017 unexpectedly in 3 weeks and I became lost without him. He was an enabler who never thought he would die. He left me and 2 kids and I was the third child. I have never been able to have IADL skills as he did everything at home, provided support around finances and shielded me from my borderline mother. My late husband Jeff also had a narcissistic mother who was very controlling. However Jeff did always choose me over her and made me a priority in his life. I had several times tried to leave without success. I have been with him since I was 21 years old and now am 41 years old. Jeff was 11 years older and old fashioned Chinese man.
Jeff was an enabler who had OCPD traits so it suited him fine to take 'control' of the household. He was a Civil Engineer in transportation and then an IT manager. However since 2012 he decided to follow me to my new job as he did not want to relinquish control. He became a stay at home dad and even took over the cooking and other household related things I was doing previously. The only responsibilities I had been to look after my son, be validating and available all times to him, go to work and plan our vacations.
I am a high functioning health care provider who works in mental health. My son has ADHD and all my focus was directed towards my son. My daughter is now the head of household even though she is 11 years old. The hierarchy in our family was 1) dad 2) Daughter 3) me 4) Son. I do have a charming personality and likeable because I’m often seen as a pushover and too nice…... I myself teach Adapted DBT skills to Clients in group therapy.
After much time trying to survive and cope with being a single mom. I hired a part time nanny and set boundaries with my mom by not engaging with her. I decided that I should try to be a parent and starting to look after the finances.
I am at a place where I accept I will always need a man in my life. Currently my long distance boyfriend is planning to move from China to live with me and my children. My current boyfriend Mr. H seems to be independent and come from a secure family even though he has some mild anxiety and OCPD traits. I’m really afraid of repeating the cycle. Mr. H is 7 years younger than me and we will have to start a family soon.  I am using all my DBT skills as best as I can but find it hard to manage my distress tolerance and regulate my emotions as I’m always anxious thinking what if he can’t get over here and what if he leaves me for a younger woman ect….
Unfortunately due to the overwhelming tasks of day to day such as work, children, finances and relation issues, I don’t have much time to work on my skills…... Do I resign myself to repeating the cycle or is there any other choice?

Hi there,

I will say there is always a choice.  We may not like the choices out there, but we CAN choose to follow certain paths or not.  You don't HAVE to start a family soon or repeat the past unless you really want to.  The fact you are here asking about it tells me at least part of you isn't sure you want to.  I think you have spent much of the last year grieving (normal) and maybe only now are starting to work on seeing who you are as yourself, not Jeff's wife.  This can take time, and you may not have given yourself adequate time to become comfortable with a head of household position, or the fact that you can learn to juggle work, kids, and home if you're not ready to remarry.

You don't NEED a man, or anyone, in your life.  This is not a feminist statement - I think all human beings can learn to manage themselves with some success, even if some are just stronger at it than others.  It's like reading.  Even people with dyslexia can read, they just have challenges others don't. 

I want to be sure I am following, so I'd like to ask what skill do you mean you cannot practice?  Your personal DBT work?  Or life-management-skills?  Most of us just learn those by sink-or-swim methods, fake it till we make it, starting when we first strike out from our parents' homes and continuing to fake it till we make it to the very end.  Very few people KNOW exactly what and how to do things until we've tried to do them, and learn which way works best. 

Are there classes or counselors near you who might be able to help with such things?  Have you looked into apps or calendar reminders to assist you?

What is the 11-year-old doing that makes her head of the household?  Is she just stronger at keeping up with things like when bills are due or what needs to be on the grocery list?  Or is she just filling a vacuum left because you feel you can't do things like this?  Or maybe being active helped her feel she earned some positive attention from her dad?  Especially if you feel you've been preoccupied with the son? 

It's hard when you lose someone, and I am your age, 41, and have been with my husband since we were 19, and he has been having quite a few health scares this past year, so I am having to accept I may be on my own far sooner than I'd imagined.   I am so sorry you are in this boat.   

Juggling work and childcare are hard.  Also, there is nothing wrong with the kids helping as long as its age-appropriate and they get to still enjoy kid-like times.  They can help with things like laundry, dishes, basic house cleaning.  Maybe a chore chart for everyone, including you will help. 

Don't marry anyone or have a child with them just so they can take care of you or because you feel you have no choice.  That's not fair to anyone in the equation.  This is not the 1850s.  If you love Mr. H, and you get on well, and he makes you happy (as happy as you can be, or at least content), then by all means, get married and start a NEW life.  Just don't marry him reaching out to regain the comforting familiarity of the old one.