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I thought I was doing so well, but last couple of days it has been the most painful so far. I was driving and felt I needed to pull over as the pain of loss was so gripping. I was so close to trying to make contact with my exgirlfriend at this point, but I refrained from doing so. I know I have everything to lose if I do.

I feel I have really tried. When she dumped me the first time I gave her the benefit of the doubt and made allowances (we still communicated that's all). When she dumped me the second time after Xmas over some clumsy email I sent at work which was well intentioned, I spent a  long time writing to her apologising and explaining my rationale. Then finally when she dumped me on the 02 Feb 2018 when I asked for some space because of all her negative texts about me she said I would never hear from her again and she was now blocking me, so I wrote a few letters to her (4 in total over a 6 week period). These made my feelings clear as she said I did not demonstrate I cared enough about her. I included a drawing of her pet and even my final letter said I will refrain from writing further, but if she was to change her mind then she knows where I am. This led to me receiving a phone call from the police. Fortunately it was informal.

So I don't think there is any more I can do and just have to accept the pain and heartache. In terms of risk reward I see Option A: as contacting her and still having pain and heartache and loss of dignity and possibly loss of attraction (although I expect that latter variable has well and truly sailed) with the added bonus of a potential restraining order and associated ramifications. Or Option B: I don't contact her and retain dignity, but still have heartache and pain. In other words a double bind!

As I left it that she could get in touch then I did not fully close the door. I think it has to be her reaching out now and as painful as it is, I just have to keep muddling on sucking up the pain and anguish. Never felt the intensity of pain like I have with this breakup. It defies all logic. When will the torment ever end?

Hi Inko51, 

So sorry for all the grief and pain you are in right now. I'm sad with you. It will take time to adjust to the changes you've gone through. At this point it's important to take some extra care of yourself. What would that look like to you? Would you like to go on a hike, exercise... .?

Posting here and sharing your grief is a great outlet and a healthy way to process what is going on. Keep in touch and let us know how you are.

 
Wools