BPDFamily.com

Hi All!

I do not have an official diagnosis, but after finding this group, it validates that I think my husband has BPD. Someone else mentioned it to me last summer, but I didn't do much research. Your stories are all very similar to mine, except we have only been married 3 years.

During dating and engagement period he showed zero signs of this. His father left when he was young, and then his mother re-married and that marriage also ended. His mother has told me he took both men leaving very hard. He never did have a relationship with his bio-dad and reached out to him for the first time in a long time when we married. Dad said he would come to the wedding and never showed. And that I believe triggered this all coming out, and quite frankly it's been a ___-show ever since.

He rages then gives me the silent treatment for up to 10 days. Most are shorter, but one time was 10 days. He threatens to leave, comes home with apartment brochures, etc. His last rage was this past weekend and it was the scariest one yet. I felt for the first time he may hurt me, and he doesn't remember doing some things he did during he rage. He actually apologized for this one (he rarely does) because I think he could tell how shocked and scared I was. But, now he is in the phase of feeling guilty and hasn't spoken to me in 4 days except a few angry texts last night that made no sense. For the first time I have just left it alone, and have enjoyed the break. He does travel 4 days a week for work, so that helps.

I can practice disengagement - that is not an issue for me. I do have an appointment with my counselor to discuss what I should do. My question for you guys, is how did you get your SO into treatment? He has refused to take antidepressants in the past at my suggestion, and had to twist his arm to take cholesterol meds. I just feel he will fight this. But the last rage has me concerned enough that I know he needs help and that my daughter and I need to come first. I've read a lot of you gave ultimatums. I do have an appointment for him set up with a therapist that specializes in this. But how do I get him to go, and what do I do in the meantime?

Thanks so much!

Welcome Jzc, 

I'm so glad you've come and shared your post with us!  You'll find others here who truly understand so much of what you are going through. You asked about T (therapy) and this article Get Someone into Therapy (https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy) may offer some help for you.

I'm really glad you are in T. That is a great source of help for you and your D. How old is she?
Do you have a safe place to go to in the event you feel unsafe? Or perhaps you've not thought about it. It can be empowering and help you if you plan to have a few things at a friend's house for you and your daughter just in case.

 I'm really thankful that you are seeking to understand what's going on. Looking forward to hearing more from you soon.

 
Wools

Hi Jzc, joining Woolspinner in welcoming you!

Regarding getting your husband into treatment, I have some thoughts here since I have recently gotten a tentative agreement from my wife to try DBT (sharing a link below in case you're not yet familiar with DBT, which is seen as the most recognized method of treatment for people with BPD). I'm sure the article Wools shared will echo some of what I'll say.

I personally would advise against ultimatums. I know at least one member here whose partner went into treatment in the context of restraining order and they seem to making progress, so I won't discount it completely. I have tried them myself. But while ultimatums such as divorce or limited access to children may indeed prompt someone to seek help, if the motivation to seek help is not genuine and internalized, that person is likely to give up after a short period of time.

My wife agreed to DBT in the context that the problems in our marriage came from both of us and that I would try it too if I could. I agreed to make every effort to get myself into the program, too, though I expressed a combination of her in DBT and me in therapy might be better (I'm already in therapy, though she doesn't know this). The key point is that you bring it up in the context of wanting to help the relationship, not "fix him". No one wants to hear or believe that they are sick. It's the difference between telling someone they are fat and you'll leave them if they don't lose weight and that person discovering for themselves that they need to do something about their weight. The person in the second situation is much more like to make a commitment.

I will also share a link to great video about talking to people who are not aware they are mentally ill to help you get in your husband's mindset.

My suggestion is that you and your husband meet with your counselor together in the context of wanting to help the relationship, which is sincere. That's if your counselor is willing to do this; if not, perhaps you should find another who is connected to your nearest available DBT program. In the meeting, you can describe your husband's behaviors without talking about BPD, since these are facts. Your husband can also voice his opinions about the relationship problems, even though they will likely be distortions of the reality. If the option comes up for you to join DBT as well, I suggest you consider it as I am. Even though it's not fair we should have to do the work, too, DBT is helpful to anyone in my opinion and if the results are good for our spouses, I think it's worth the investment.  

Have you spoken about the BPD to your counselor, and do they have any professional training about the illness that you know of?

~ROE    

https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com/what-is-BPD/treating-BPD/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NXxytf6kfPM