BPDFamily.com

Hi again family,

Okay so I have finally decided to go real NC.  I have inherently my whole life been a bit of a social media stalker, especially with exes.  And although me and my exBPDbf have been limited to no contact on and off for the past 4 months.  I daily (more) look at his social media, the women he cheated on me with social media, judging every.  Are they prettier, are the better than me.  Well obviously not because they are cheaters too, they have no empathy either for what they did to me.  It is literally driving me crazy.

I think I realised yesterday that I need to go full NC.  No stalking, nothing.  Yesterday I received a letter from my therapist for my health insurance, during my sessions he has never talked to me about my diagnosis but it was confirmed yesterday that I have Panic Disorder and Severe Recurrent Depressive Disorder.  Reading those words I almost had an epiphany like, no exBPDbf I will not let you control me anymore.  I don't know if he caused this or this would have always happened to me.  But, in order to recover I need to completely disconnect from him forever.  My therapist believes he’s not finished with me, and will come back (as we all discuss on here), but I need REAL NC in order to be strong enough to tell him either politely or through my silence that I will not be sucked back into his life in any way or form, if and or when that happens.

I will not recover from this if I constantly judge others life's, those that hurt me, his life, looking for validation that he loved me or didn’t love me as the case may be.  I am receiving Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) to help me realign the way my brain functions and to stop blaming myself for every failure in life.  So perhaps this is the first sign that it is working, as for the first time in my life I want to make ME the priority.  I came for a terribly abusive background and witnessed things as a child that no one should.  I have this innate need to rescue people, but it is time to rescue me.  I can’t control others, I know now that I couldn’t have controlled what happened between us.  It wasn’t me, it was him, I loved him and supported him with all my heart, and if had not been me he had damaged it would have been someone else.  What he done was about me and my love for him or his love me, it was about him and his instable mind.  Nothing I could have said or done at the time would have changed his actions. 

I’ve deleted social media apps from my phone.  I’m going to come to you guys whenever I feel the urge and read old posts, new posts and try and help others.  You guys are my new social media.

Who knows in time I may be posting on the 'Learning from a failed relationship' forum.

JNTT x

You did the right thing, its hard its actually one of the hardest things to go no contact. I'm currently on day 7, and sometimes I feel the same way as you if I did the right thing. Long story short, I had a choice either to marry my ex BPD or she was gonna be gone. I couldn't give her the commitment, and 4 days later she moved on. She never took responsibility of it and still blames me, saying I did not fight for her and I could have stopped her. The truth is, when you make a big decision like that, external forces can't stop you. She says that its time for me to move on, and that I will find someone better but she still wanted to be friends if possible. I at that point, did what any guy would do, she would keep calling and texting and I didn't want to be reminded of it, so I blocked her. Sometimes the best thing to do is to go no contact and see if it works for you, but thats not always the solution, you have to be ready for it. There will be times when you will cave in as well but just be strong.

Thanks Struggler, I'm gonna fight these urges like giving up smoking... .that urge to light a cigarette only lasts 30 seconds and the more I say NO, hopefully the less they will occur.  I'll stand up, I'll walk, I'll dance, I'll sing, I'll come here and talk to you guys.

I can't let him control me any longer.

JNTT xx

That's all you need, and listen whenever you feel like its hard just remember your not alone. We all have experience and as time passes by youll be able to get better, thats what I tell myself. Sometimes we need an eye opener, and I suppose that this was as good as an eye opener as it gets concentrate on yourself, pick up your favorite hobbies, your FREE now, enjoy your freedom.

Hopefully. xxx