BPDFamily.com

Hello Everyone
I was reading the book Stop Walking on Eggshells and it landed me here. I guess I'm trying to find a safe place; to vent and to better understand my significant other. I know that we have so much potential and we have a connection that I truly feel is so special, but I also feel like I'm losing my own identity in this. The verbal abuse sometimes kills me, and it's so nonchalant at times. It makes me feel sometimes so fully responsible when most of our arguments stem from me speaking my mind, wanting to say how I feel about something... .it just always ends in me being too needy, too distance or just not being the same. I don't want to lose the love of my life to this disorder. She was diagnosed recently and I know that she is accepting and relieved to know there is an explanation for her constant confusion with her emotions in her life. I guess I'm lost as to what to do, to somehow guide her into seeing that I'm not the problem, but I am so okay with working together to get to the solution and that she's not alone. And ALSO accepting that I have my own flaws to work on as well, because I do.

Hi somethingblue and welcome! You've made a good move coming here - there's a lot of kind  and wise people who understand the special challenges that come from loving a person with BPD (pwBPD).

That's good that she's got a diagnosis and is accepting of it. Does she have a good therapist? Does she have a plan to enter treatment?

It's good too that you can recognise your own flaws and are willing to work on them. There are special "skills" that we can learn to communicate in more effective ways, reduce conflict and protect ourselves from that terrible BPD abuse. They take some time to get right but they really do work!

On the right of the screen and at the top of the page under "tools" are useful articles and workshops to start reading, learning and putting into practice.

Reading and participating in posts by others who are in similar situations really helps. Feel free to rant when needed too!

 

somethingblue,

I'm glad you found us :)  So many things you wrote could have been written by many others, so understand you're in a place where we "get" it.  I find venting is good, writing things out helps so much in organizing my thoughts, helping me see patterns, and simply getting it all out can keep my own emotions on more of a stable plane.


I want to caution about the idea that only the pwBPD is "the problem".  Often those of us who find, fall for, and stay with a pwBPD have enough of our own baggage to address that contributes to the situation there is plenty for us to work on within ourselves.  I myself have a huge amount of codependency.  The knee-jerk reactions I thought were positive, helpful, even things I thought were polite and nice, all actually fed the drama, made arguments explode even more, and allowed my husband to think I WAS the one responsible for managing both of our emotions. 

You can't change her, or force her to seek change in herself... .she can choose to do this which would be great, but the only person anyone can really change is themselves.  BPD will make any journey she takes to re-train her emotional responses to stress and other stimuli to be quite difficult and long.  It can be done, it does happen, but all your hopes for improvement cannot hinge on her working on her.  We all come here to work on US, and how we respond to their BPD-fueled reactions to life, how we tend to enable and enmesh ourselves into feeling it's up to us to fix them, fix their lives, prevent all bad emotions, and how we CAN lose ourselves in the process. 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=114232.0

Look at the lessons, look for the oens about how our roles in the relationship can contribute to conflict, and how we have the power to change ourselves and how that can reduce some of the emotional stress in our lives.

11 years ago about, I was ready to leave H, we were not even married yet, nor engaged, and I was just tired.  Life just hurt.  I found this site to manage my feelings about my BPD parents, and this part of the message boards helped me so much with realigning my own actions, to where things improved drastically.  H is a much more supportive partner, his self-awareness, for the most part, is far higher than when he was 30, and as a couple, we are far more of a team than before.  BPD will always be there, my codependency will always be there, but as a work in progress, I think it's going pretty well most days. 

BUt get this - I have NEVER told him I think he has BPD.  Many pwBPD can't hear that, and he's one of them.  And we still managed to improve even with him never going to DBT, never acknowledging BPD.  It starts with us. 

Welcome somethingblue,

I"m sorry that you are feeling so lost in your relationship. You've found a great place for hope and healing. The subtle emotional and verbal abuse that often comes in a BPD relationship is really hard. It can make you feel like you are imagining things or that it's all in your head. It's hard not to take the blame for arguments, even when you know you didn't do anything wrong.

Are there certain things that she tends to get mad about the most? When she is angry how do you respond?

On another note, is the wording of your title a Game of Thrones reference?