BPDFamily.com

Hi guys. I am looking for advice.

My girlfriend has BPD, PTSD and is quite agrophobic as a result of childhood abuse and I am struggling in the relationship.

She uses social media a lot and has made a lot of male friends. Probably 90% of her friends are men. A number of issues have arisen the last few months where these guys have overstepped the mark. The examples are -
A long-term friend started sending nakes pics in the bath and sexually explicit chat
Another drunkenly messaged saying he loved her and not as a friend
Another messages her to say he hoped our relationship failed so he could get a chance of seeing her
Another is asking for late night phone calls (2am) while his wife is sleeping
There are other examples I could give but you get the idea.
Now my gf took screenshots of these exchanges, just 1 pic of each and showed me. She says she didn't view them as anything else but friends and was going to ignore the requests and keep them all as friends. I said I really wasn't comfortable with this as they obviously did not view her as a friend at all and had changed the dynamic of the friendship to something more sexual in their minds. She refuses to even tell them they were wrong to send such things and still chats to them.

I have no context to the chats as she says it is only general chat about music, movies etc. I am now doubting this as there seems to be a high number of these instances. She is also an insomniac so stays up most nights watching movies and messaging on facebook and whatsapp.

Am I wrong to be uncomfortable with her refusing to deal with these guys? Is she showing me these chosen screenshots to see if she can get a jealous reaction from me for attention? Is she engineering the situation to force me into abandoning her? I'm at my wits end and really need some advice as she gets extremely angry if I try talking to her about how this situation is making me feel.

She says she would never cheat and has never cheated on her life, these people are her friends and she doesn't see them as anything else but it's happened so frequently I don't think I can believe what she is saying anymore.

I don't want to give up on her but don't want to risk my own mental well-being trapped in this situation.

Any insight and advice would be very much appreciated.

Thanks

Hi,
I was once in a similar situation.  In healthy monogamous relationships, couples should look for sexual attention only from each other; and not anyone else.  The woman I dated got out of a marriage where she got very little attention from the man she was with.  All people want to feel wanted; so she built up relationships outside of her marriage with other men.  She never slept with them; but it was clear that she was getting sexual attention from them.  When she left him and met me, those relationships with other men were still there.  When I 1st voiced my concern, she generally saw nothing wrong with her behavior - it was normal for her.  I spoke to a therapist, and I was told to really think hard about the personal boundaries I needed/wanted in a relationship, then share them with her - which is exactly what I did.  She initially refused to change; so I told her that the relationship had to end.  About a week later, she called me and said she made a mistake and wanted to follow the boundaries.  We now see a therapist together as a couple.  I give her lots of attention/affection; and she does the same for me.  She says she's much happier now than she's ever been.  We're still taking it slow, but it's going well.  My advise: write down your personal boundaries and stick to them.  By doing so, you're respecting yourself and you'll feel better about yourself.  Good luck.

Hi Household1 and thank you very much for the reply and great advice. To know there are kther people facing the same sort of issues as myself and that they can be resolved is a real help. I will follow the steps you suggested and see how it pans out.

Thanks again!

Hey there RoyMunson,
My ex (married 14.5 years/dated 2.5 years) sought attention from other men the last two years we were together and possibly before that. I know how you feel. The difference is that she didn't share with me that she was communicating with these men or at least in the case with her cousin, what they were sharing with each other. When I confronted her, she tried shifting the subject to things I had done wrong and even justifying her actions.

It may not be something that she can control as far as what these guys are sending but it could be a red flag that all of these guys feel comfortable sending pictures and saying the things that they are. Is she helping them feel comfortable sending what they are?

Her response to keep them as friends is a red flag in my opinion. I would think that she would want to block them immediately after sending her nude pictures and wanting more than a friendship from her. Just my opinion and the decision is yours. Wish you the best of luck my friend.