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I am really struggling with step 4 of the survivors guide, I don't want to re-experience these memories. Last week I had what felt like a memory surface right before bed. The thought that it could be my memory... .I didn't let the memory continue to resurface. Now I have been playing the avoidance game with the thoughts and fears of my memories returning.

I don't remember a lot of my childhood. People ask me what my first memory was and I tell them I don't know. Because the first memory I have is standing on at the back door yelling goodnight to my drunk uBPD father who is sleeping outside again. That isn't the kind of memories people want to hear about when they ask that question. I am having some good memories resurface now too. But the bad ones the one I started this with, I essentially tried gas lighting myself when it came up. I tried telling myself it was all in my head, my imagination. But my logical brain says that I would have no reason to imagine that. Okay, I am still avoiding it. Bare with me as I walk my way through it.

I am guessing I am 4 or around there maybe younger in this memory. I was laying naked on my parents bed the bathroom door right across from it when a man steps out naked, I am pretty sure my father(he looks a lot different now then he did then).

At this point in the memory I went all out gas-lighting myself and shut it down. Now I don't know if it is what I feel like it was, or something innocent like I hope it was. I don't want to be brave and face my childhood if it includes things that I thought never ever would have or could have happened to me. But it would make sense that my brain would bring up those now with the nature of my health issues and doctor appointments in the last month.

I want to say whole heartedly that my uBPD parent wouldn't be capable of of molesting a child. Especially knowing how it hurt him so badly when he was as a kid. But the truth is we know of one instance where he crossed the line and had sex with his step daughter my half sister who was 14-15 at the time. My mom would venomously say that he wouldn't ever do that again and especially to a young kid and especially not to one that was his own flesh and blood. But she is delusional at times and my father is ill. I still don't want to know how that memory ends, I know I wont find peace until I do. I stepped into this process and step 3 thinking I knew the depth of the wrongs that have happened, without fear. Now I want to back track. I want to go and hide, like I used to as a child. Find a closet, get in, shut the door, curl up like a cat and sleep away all the pain.

Hi deirdre

I can understand why you are struggling with these memories considering what you've shared here. Processing memories such as this isn't easy and to do it 'safely', might require some professional assistance.

The details from that memory you describe are  concerning, you are resisting the rest of the memory and I understand because the thought of what might have gone on would significantly alter your view of your past.

However, based on what your father did to his step daughter, your half sister, I would say you have serious reasons to be concerned here. How is your sister doing now and how did the truth come out about what your father did to her?


Healing takes time and it's often a process of two steps forward and then one step back. Remembering the abuse can be quite a triggering experience. Do you perhaps have a therapist to guide you in this healing process?

This is a lot to deal with and I am glad you reached out here today

The Board Parrot

Hi Deirdre.  

Don't push.  :)on't push the memory away and don't try to push remembering.  Just breathe and Be.  Trust that your mind would not be allowing this memory, of whatever it may be, to happen if you were not ready to know it.  It would not be coming back to you if you did not have the strength to handle it and a support system to help you see it through.  Keep telling yourself that over and over.  

I used to hide in my closet.  It was warm and very comfortable.  It was my runaway place and I felt safe there.  It's okay to want to go back there.  Heck, it's okay to go back there.  Listen to your 4 year old.  You don't know what happened yet and you may not know for a while.  It's okay.

Do you want to talk about your health issues?  I ask because sometimes it can help to talk about them if they are linked to your memory.  You don't have to talk here, though I am willing to listen.  Please forgive me, I can't remember if you are seeing a therapist currently?  Are you?  I ask only because it can be a huge help to have professional support when trying to work through memories and some trauma responses you may be having.  If you are not in T, is that something you can consider?  Given everything that has been happening even before these memories resurfacing, it is a good idea.  What do you think?

What can you do today that will help you?

Kwamina
[quote How is your sister doing now and how did the truth come out about what your father did to her?
][/quote]
My sister died in a car accident 10 years ago, I never got to talk to her about it. I know from my other siblings that it was very difficult for her, she moved out and in with her bio-father after it happened. My mom knew about it right after, I don't know if it was my sister or dad who told her. My sister struggled a lot in the years following, due to abuse from her bio-father as well and ended up being homeless the last half of her teen years. Having a child and giving the first one up for adoption as she was a teenager still. After the incident my dad institutionalized himself for a time, my mom forgave him and they moved on. I am pretty sure the cops might have known even and did nothing, it was a small town and my dad of some importance and well respected. I would have been around 3-4 during this time frame.

I didn't learn about until 4 years ago when my dad had a major episode, lost his marbles, became very abusive and tortured. He wrote a letter of "his" sins ( it was filled with a lot more about my mother and all of her "sins" that he perceived from her) and sent it to some friends, family, and the cops got it when they took him in for domestic violence and (that didn't go on his record because his is mentally ill and it was a mental break and he did therapy and the mandatory institute time) the only thing that went on his record of assaulting an officer because he wouldn't cooperate or put his gun down.

On this same line connected to my sister, my youngest "sibling" is actually one of her daughters. After he death my parents took her in as the father didn't want her due to genetic birth defects and health problems. I had someone who learned about the family history last year who brought up the station again and believes that my niece is at risk. That brought up a lot of fear and questioning again about the situation. My mom doesn't believe he could/would do that even as she turns into a teenager. I hope she is right, but with my current memory assault now I have to worry again, as she is special needs and is defensiveness. The whole thing is a mess.

Harri
I am working on letting the memories just be, it is so difficult. I either want to push them away or push to just get it over with and remember the rest. This is something I will have to remind myself to do multiple times a day, to just Be.
The closet was such a safe place to be. I would feel silly going back, I would if I still lived in the same house though to be honest. Closets with real doors seem safer then sliding door closets (my current ones).

On the topic of health issues, the specialist I went to thinks I have endometriosis. Which is and has been causing me a lot of pain, it just keeps getting worse especially in my pelvic region. Due to this I have had to have examinations, 3 different invasive ones in the past month. I didn't psych myself out or have difficulty during them, though the last one hurt due to the illness. I am not and have not been sexually active, so I haven't had anything happen until this month that would trigger said memories if they exist. Except for possible memories from my childhood when due to lack of estrogen I had to be put on hormones because my female parts were closing over. So I would expect memories from that to come back if I was even old enough to have a memory of that (I don't think I was). The memory I had did come after my first pap/exam.

I haven't seen a T yet, I need to. It is on my checklist, but I was waiting until I move so I wouldn't have to switch right away. If I am going to be here for a couple more months though I might need to find one here anyways. It was of importance before this, but now with memories coming back that I didn't expect to happen, it is even more important now for my sanity.

I don't know what to do to help today. I was planning on spending time with friends, but I have a cold now and don't want to share the love. That was going to be my safe zone for a bit.

Dear Deirdre,


I am really sorry the endometriosis is causing your pain. 

In your other post you are saying your feel angry with your mum. You have every right to be. Assaulting a 14 or 15 year old child is something that needs to be punished. Things needed to be done so that this would not repeat itself.  Your mum did nothing. Nor did the policemen. I am so incredibly sorry for that. The policeman should be terribly ashamed of themselves. I want you to know that I don't agree with letting such a huge thing slide. Your sister was and is worth more than that !

Have you had the time / opportunity to mourn the death of your sister ? Do you and your parents still talk about her ?

I agree with Harri and Kwamina that you need professional help. This is very difficult to deal with, let alone by yourself. I do not believe that your mind is playing tricks on you. I believe memories are probably slowly coming up. But you need professional guidance with this. This is not something small.

You are not alone with this. Keep talking on here.

Hi again deirdre

Thanks for answering my questions. I am very sorry your sister died all those years ago in such a tragic manner. Your sister had been through a lot in her life, sadly a lot of hurtful and traumatic experiences.

I understand Fie's outrage about what happened to your sister and how the situation was handled afterwards. It deeply saddens me too to read this history. We cannot change the past and your sister is gone now, but it remains a very sad history.

Considering this history, I also very much understand your concerns for your younger sibling.


I think your mother is very much in denial about the gravity of what our father did to your sister all those years ago. When you consider the way your father treats your younger sibling, is there anything in his behavior that you would consider sexually inappropriate?

You are also dealing with some serious health issues right now. I know someone with the same disorder and it can be quite difficult to deal with, unfortunately often also not properly diagnosed or initially not taken seriously by professionals. I hope the procedure will alleviate your issues

The fact that these particular examinations triggered this memory in you, is something I would consider an extra reason to be concerned about what might have happened back then. You don't know if something inappropriate happened, albeit your father stepping out naked could also be considered inappropriate, but given the history of what he's done to your deceased sister, this definitely is something to be very mindful of.

Talking about these things isn't easy and I commend you for taking this step and sharing your experiences |iiii

The Board Parrot

I didn't truly mourn her death until about 5 years after, but I have mourned it now. My whole family keeps the discussion open of her. We want to make sure her children know who she was as well. Since all three of her children are separated, we do our best it takes the whole family to do so. It's not like she is an everyday topic, but the conversation is left open.

Harri
After the friend brought up the station and felt like his bear hugs on his lap to her were not fully appropriate. My mother put up a boundary about that, he accepted that though and stopped. I never saw it as being that inappropriate but I am not in his mind and I do not know. I would obviously like to believe that he would never do anything like that to her.


It has been a struggle since I have been dealing with it for some time, I am happy to finally be "diagnosed" though there is no true certainty until they do the laparoscopy. It is very, very commonly misdiagnosed and mistreated as not being legitimate. I am really lucky to have found a Dr. who is a specialist in this area and in doing surgical procedures. If ALL of it is not removed I will be in the same boat again as before the surgery sooner or later. Lots of anxiety involved for me in this medical situation.

I can't say for certain that they triggered the memory, but it is suspicious timing to say the least. Oh well, taking it one step at a time (or trying to). I almost hope I don't get the rest of the memory inappropriate or not until I am moved out. If something like that comes to light it will make living with him a couple months longer that much more difficult. Though I am very good at avoidance and distancing myself, as well as distancing his past self from his current self (always reinventing himself).

Thank you both for baring with me, listening, and helping me work through this.

Hi Deirdre. 

I am so sorry to hear about the abuse your sister experienced and of her death.  How tragic.  It is good that you were able to grieve her death and that you keep her a part of your life.

Your parents seem to be living in a world of denial about your father's potential to abuse again.  The authorities too. 

I was thinking about you earlier today as I was at the car dealer getting my car fixed.  I once received counseling services from a community action center who would see clients on a short term basis only to help them get through an immediate crisis.  This may be a good option for you.  Can you think of any community health or family centers that you could call.  Even if the help is only short term it is a huge source of support.  I went when I first decided to move out of my parents home.  it was a huge adjustment for me and I just needed someone to talk with.  During that time, the issue of mother daughter sexual abuse came up for me (not new memories though, but other related stuff) and my counselor was wonderful about helping me to remain calm and centered until I could get in with a long term therapist.  I also got short term help a few years later when I was diagnosed with serious health issues and was facing very complex surgeries with people telling me to get my affairs in order     I mention all that to reinforce that short term help can be a huge benefit.  Not ideal but still a good option.  Especially with the health issues and memories together.  I am concerned for you though I know you will get through this. 

We here and we've got your back.  Breathe!

Woops just realized that I messed up who I directed my last post to. I meant Kwamina and quoted her but put in Harri, my brain must not be fully functioning.

Now  form my actual reply to Harri

This would probably be a good option for me, I will try to look into it, I really appreciate the thought you have put into my situation and helping me find ways to cope and get help.

To be honest I feel so silly getting crisis help and counseling. I feel like it needs to be some major catastrophe and that none of my experiences past or present would count. I know this isn't true, logically, but I feel like it is. I don't know if it the feeling that I don't deserve help, or something else. I've always struggled with my internal conflict of wanting to be a one woman army. When I can't be, that just isn't how life works. But when It doesn't work I feel like I have failed myself.

Even just posting about this still feels like I am "just attention seeking" when that is the farthest thing from the truth. But having heard comments all my life about people who "complain/talk" about their hard lives and how they are just attention seekers and should suck it up, has really made a mark on me. I rarely ever feel that way towards other people though when they need to share or talk or complain, I have made it a one way street. But that is the feeling I am struggling with when contemplating going to crisis counseling, feeling like I am making a mountain out of a mole hill, wasting peoples time. The not so healthy part of me wants to just shove everything aside again, go into complete and utter denial and life like I always have. I know this isn't a good option for me and I am fighting hard to not fall into that trap, it just takes so much effort.

I really appreciate your support and help, especially while I am not in the brightest of spots.

That's ok, Harri and I go way back :) She's even an honorary parrot now! :)


Considering the messages conveyed to you all your life by your family, I understand why the thought of getting help would trigger these kinds of feelings in you. In a way you could say you were 'programmed' to feel this way. Fortunately, there are also cognitive (behavior) techniques that can help you 'reprogram' your mind. These techniques can be as simple as writing down the negative thoughts that come into your mind and then writing a positive or rational rebuttal right next to your original thought. In essence it's based on this principle:

Events lead to thoughts which lead to feelings which lead to behaviors

You cannot control all the events in your life, but by replacing the negative thoughts, you can generate more positive feelings which will also be reflected in your behaviors.

On a rational level you know that you aren't attention seeking, but that does not negate the reality of the feelings you are experiencing.

The interesting thing with cognitive behavior techniques, is that by changing your behaviors, even when you are feeling low, you can also generate more positive thoughts, leading to more positive feelings, leading to more positive behaviors:

Behaviors lead to thoughts which lead to feelings

Are you already familiar with cognitive behavior techniques?


A lot of our members arrive here when they are not in the brightest of spots. Yet by making the step of posting here and sharing your struggles, you have opened new doors which can set you on a new and brighter path towards healing and growth

The Board Parrot

Kwamina
I am familiar, but not intimate with cognitive behavior techniques. I need to actively use them more, I mentally do what you were explaining. But it might be more beneficial and less like running around in circles if I actively write out those thoughts and the counter thought to them. I have a lot to learn still when it comes to CBT.

Today can be a good day to start, as I am in complete anxiety mode. I am waiting for Insurance to process and put the okay on my surgery so I can schedule. As I am on a time limit, I am stressing out about a process I can't really make go faster. So I sit here my brain jumping between my surgery, how close it will be to my classes start date and my memories coming up and all the what ifs involved with those. I really need to recenter and accept I don't have control over most of those things. I shall go do some more research on CBT techniques and try to get myself to write a list.

Hi again deirdre,

Yes, these techniques definitely work best when writing the thoughts down. We have some threads and resources here that you might find helpful:
Managing automatic negative thoughts: Talking back to your inner critic (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56199.0)

Take care

Hi deirdre,

I wanted to pop in because I used to do what you are doing here.  I want to tell you (because sometimes we need to hear this from someone else) that you are important, that you matter, that taking care of yourself is good and okay.  You are struggling right now don't minimize it.  

If you saw someone else struggling as you are at the moment I don't think you would tell them don't worry about it, it isn't a big deal, that they are making a mountain out of a molehill and blow the whole thing off, you'd be telling them to reach out for assistance. There is nothing wrong with putting your needs first and treating yourself well.   We sometimes get taught things as children that aren't helpful. My guess is that you have been trained to minimize your needs and were probably told by a parent when you needed something the your were "making a mountain out of a mole hill" or in some other way it was communicated to you that your needs don't come first.

It is okay to put your needs first, I know it might feel weird at first but that doesn't make it wrong, it makes it an unpracticed skill. Take care of you!

Okay,stepping off the soapbox now  :)

Panda39

Hi.  I do not mind being confused with the Board Parrot at all, which is why I did not say anything!  It is quite the compliment!

You are in the middle of crisis and chaos up to your ears m'dear.  :)  Reading your posts and Kwamina and Panda's responses to your posts I had flashes of them saying the very same to me not so long ago.  Minimizing is a coping strategy.  I still sometimes confuse it with denial.  Either way, thinking things aren't that bad and others have it worse is just a way to keep you safe.  Safe in this case means safe in the same patterns of thinking and behavior that you  have always had and that have led to anxiety, shutting down emotionally, and kept you in your own shell.  Besides, your ability to assess how bad things are is all wonky after being in a situation that really is that bad for such a long time.  I think i am probably supposed to tell you to trust your instincts at this point but (!) I think yours are a bit out of whack in this particular area. 

Call a crisis center and make an appointment.  tell them everything that is going on and if they think you do not qualify, they will let you know.  I have a strong feeling it won't be an issue.

I still haven't had a chance to look at the cognitive behavioral techniques. That is the next step still. Been avoiding and running from my problems since my last post. Yesterday I talked to someone who has dealt with a lot of situations like mine about what is going on and she recommended a counselor and also initiated setting up an appointment for me (I think she knew I would put it off if it was left to me). So I have an appointment for Monday YAY! (also ahhh! I don't want to deal with it all).
I am really trying to figure out if I need to find a place to stay other then here. Even if I am moving in a month or so dependent on my surgery... .I know I have to be here after my surgery so I have someone to take care of me. But right now being home, with my parents is draining. As soon as I walk in the door I feel like all my energy gets sucked out of me and I just can't breath or function. I know this isn't healthy but I also don't want to run, I feel like I lived like this for my whole life, what is another month or two? I just feel stuck in a rut.

 

I am so glad you have an appointment!  What a wonderful gift they gave you by setting up an appointment for you.  See, in addition to us here there are other people who are willing to support you through this. 

I first went back to therapy about 2 years ago.  It was free as I saw an intern working towards his PhD.  Anyway, it was a wonderful gift that lasted almost a year before he graduated.  Every time I went I was both excited and dreading it.  I was kicking and screaming in my own head but totally determined to go. 

Your surgeon should be able to give you an idea of what recovery will be like.  I had major abdominal surgery with complications and drains in place and was still able to go back to my apartment by myself with very limited assistance from friends as needed.  The doctor set me up with visiting nurses for wound care and I had aides that came to help me bathe and wash my hair 3 times a week.  there are ways around it.  Not saying you should move out now but figured I would mention it to you.  Try not to worry about it.  I even talked with my doc about me going to a rehab hospital if needed so know there are options.

Have you been able to work on being mindful?  Some ways I have done it is to focus on every step along the way of washing dishes, taking a shower, even with the walking meditation I used to do.  It is quite relaxing and very good to keep yourself centered.  I had to review it a bit with my T in my last session as i had a flashback during a visit from my wound care nurse (been going on for almost three years, why have a flashback now?).  anyway, for anxiety she has me concentrate on staying present, focusing on how I am sitting/lying down, my breathing in and out, taking in the objects in my room etc.  Telling myself I am here, I am safe, I am okay.  What happened is in the past and will never happen again, etc.

I hope I do not sound like I am minimizing your situation.  It is difficult.  I just want you to use your tools to stay strong during this temporary set-back.  Getting out of your situation is not running.  It is surviving which will lead to better things. 

What's another month or two?  Just another month or two.   

Thank you so much for your encouragement Harri, I have been working hard trying to be mindful. The problem is I don't like being mindful of my own emotions and physical pain. This mindfulness kind of sucks. I know it is good, long term, I can't avoid myself forever. I enjoy being mindful of my surroundings though when I am feeling overwhelmed it does help a lot. I went camping again that helped reset me for a bit, great way to be mindful of my surroundings, though it was totally a great way of avoiding myself at the same time.

That is quite the blessing having free therapy at a time that you needed it. I do feel those feelings though as well of excitement and dread. Good thing we are both stubborn, I mean, determined people.

Thank you for letting me know about how you made it work living on your own and having major surgery. It helps to remember there are options out there. My Dr. made it sound like it would be best to have the support of people I know here, instead of doing it when I move where I am not so comfortable. I guess support doesn't need to mean living with my parents, I could have people check in on me. Even if I don't go that route its a freeing thing to think about and know that is an option that is do-able.

I need to get my tools out and start sharpening them! I will make it through this mess of a situation. I looked back to read your last message too,  I keep reminding myself this, it actually helps, it kind of in a way gave me permission to be okay with the fact that my intuition and assessment abilities of my situation aren't okay and it is okay that they aren't okay.

Hello Deirdre!  I've been thinking about you.  How are you?  Any news on surgery?  Do you have a date for it yet?

Have you decided anything about therapy?  Yes, i am being 'determined' in my questions! 

I wanted to mention that i do agree that having someone around to help you is best but if that is not possible or not really the best, then it is possible to do it on your own.  And you got it:   Exactly! 

     Yes!  You've got the right attitude.  I was so relieved when a friend/mentor? told me that it would be abnormal if I did not have problems after the childhood I had... .and she never knew the really bad stuff.

I think it is okay to focus just on staying present and being aware of your surroundings.  I don't like being mindful of my own pain either but I do go through acceptance practice, accepting that chronic pain is a part of my life that will not change.  That yes, in this moment it sucks but thankfully it does get better.  (It is still a work in progress for me... .who likes pain?   )  With feelings it is a bit different for me.  I can tell myself that whatever I am feeling will pass.  If the feeling is part of a panic attack I just notice it and say "oh, this old feeling?  Been there done that" as a way to not feed the panic and I force myself to move on.  Staying present/being mindful does not mean lingering with the feeling.  It just means not running from it or drowning in it.

I think you are doing very well with all of this Deirdre.  Hang in.  We are all rooting for you and cheering you on. 

Harri
Today I am better then I have been in awhile. My insurance went through last week and I have my surgery scheduled for the end of the month! Yay! and also AHH!... .I started PT already to prep for it, I was really worried today. Because I was getting yet another internal exam, this one from the PT to check how my muscles are or are not working. I didn't know how I would react with my new memory, but I didn't have a problem with it. So that is good, she was very nice and I ended up not having anxiety about it during my therapy session, just before the session. I am relearning how to use my core muscles that I somehow forget to engage? I am grateful to have a good physical therapist though. I am extra determined to heal, in all aspects of life and physically is one of them.

I also was brave. Well, it wasn't all me. But with help (I was at a friends house having a break down) I made a counseling appointment last week and saw a counselor for the first time ever yesterday. It was a lot of get to know my situation stuff, next week should feel more productive. She already hit where I am needing help, which is feeling safe enough to talk. She figured out pretty quickly that I don't feel like other people can handle my problems, so I just don't tell them about my life or situation. I know that is caused by being raised in a way that I needed to make my family look good, don't talk bad about my situation or parents. So I just never talk about my feeling or situation because it would make my family look bad, people might look at me differently. Fear of being judged my others or fear of my uBPDf or non-mother being judged. Even if that judgement would have been fair. I need to learn that maybe some people can handle my emotions, that some people can take care of my need to be listened to. That is what a counselor is for right? Though I know that is just a step in the right direction. I should be able to talk to my close friends about things that have gone on in my life and how they have affected me and made me "me".

The counselor already seems to think that I will be able to handle digging deeper into my memories if we lay a good enough foundation in time before I leave. When I told her the memory I remembered and how I shut it down she called me "strong". Which kind of confused me because I would think being strong would be letting it happen, but I guess not everyone has the mental strength to block out memories and thoughts that quickly and efficiently.
On that note before I shared the memory, she had mentioned that I could feel sexually violated or just violated for many reasons that don't have to have physically happened. I feel odd right now because I don't have this deep "violated" feeling right now. Just like I didn't feel violated when I had multiple pelvic exams this month, but those I knew what was happening and it was fully my choice which I think could help. It might be because I haven't gotten the rest of the memory yet. I feel like my trust was violated, never mind as I think about it I guess I do feel violated in many ways. But my logical mind is more curious and fascinated(in a bad way) as to how someone who has been molested like my uBPDf could know how much it hurt him and go and do the same to his daughter and who knows who else besides me and my sister. It is really common for molesters to have been molested, my brain just can't wrap around how someone could cause that damage that they had done to them. It baffles me.

I have also had a lot more memories coming back, all pretty benign. So I have just been letting them play out and moving on back to whatever else I was doing or thinking about. It seems almost like my mind is trying to fight itself. It shows me a horrible memory of possible abuse, then the next week it starts pouring in a steady stream of "the good times" in my childhood. Like it is trying to counteract the damage it was doing to my psyche and my perception of my childhood. Like I sat on the swing in my yard and all of a sudden remembered 4th of July as child, swinging in the park as the fireworks went off above my head. I didn't even have this many memories come back a couple years ago when I visited that town I spent the first half of my life in. There are so many twists in my memories, what i perceived as a child through innocent eyes. I can still feel it as happy and innocent and beautiful. Yet my adult eyes are seeing the cracks in the portrait.  The things that I ignored then, that I blocked out then. I spent every other weekend if not more at a friends out back then from probably about age 5 until age 11 when we moved. The weekends I wasn't at a friends I had friends over, I stayed so distracted from what went on behind the scenes. Now I know why I spent so much time away from home, then I just thought it was great that I got to stay with my friends so much. Young minds are amazing. Everything I blocked out then and through my teen years is coming back to haunt me now though, I guess that is the price I pay for having silver lined memories of me as a young child.

Hi again Deirdre


That is great news! Congratulations :) And yeah it's also quite significant and likely overwhelming to think about getting that surgery so I understand why it's 'Yay' combined with some 'AHH'. Parrot's advice: take it one step at a time, one day at a time

It's also very positive that you went to see a counselor. That you use the word 'brave' is very fitting because it takes a lot of heart and courage to confront the issues you are dealing with.


I like your holistic approach to healing |iiii


I think the silver linings your mind created could very well have been coping mechanisms you developed to allow you to deal with all the things that were going on in your childhood. These coping mechanisms we develop might not serve us as well anymore in our adult lives though and that is when we can start working on perhaps replacing the coping mechanisms with new and healthier ways of coping. That does not deny the fact though that these coping mechanisms served a purpose and can help children survive situations they otherwise might not have.

I think when you are living in a constantly hostile or chaotic environment, it can be very difficult to heal. Now as you're reaching out here and to a counselor and are also working on your physical healing, it could be that your mind feels your shifting to somewhat safer ground in which you will be better able to deal with all the repressed memories. That might at least partly explain why so many more memories are coming back now.

Take care and I hope the procedure will go well  

The Board Parrot

Hi Deirdre.  When is you next therapy session?  I will say that I like the sound of this T.  It is good that she picked up on your reluctance to share your history.   |iiii

It is perhaps more common for people who have been molested to **not** do the same to others.  It took time, but I am finally to the point where I hate their actions but I can't help but feel badly that they are soo messed up. 

I think your memories coming back, both the good and bad are because you are letting down some of your defenses and you mind is ready to remember.  So as confusing or painful or even as happy as they are, just let them happen.

Kwamina wrote:  He is a wise parrot and he makes a lot of sense!

You are brave.  Contacting a therapist is hard to do.  I am glad you had some support when you did so too.  I remember making that first call and it was hard as I knew it was a step into the unknown for me.  Who was I?  What happened to me?  Confronting 38 or so years of wasted time where I lived my life for my parents.  Prior to that, I kept turning away and hiding from the truth and here you are going right at it!  So yeah, you are brave.

Keep us posted.  What date is your surgery? 

That was really powerful, Harri.  Especially, "confronting 38 years of wasted time where I lived my life for my parents".  A true statement for many of us... .

Hello Deirdre,

Well done, I am proud of you ! 



Yes, I am sure your therapist is able to handle your emotions. And we are too ! This is a safe place for us all, because a lot of people here struggle with similar emotions... .

Why do you say that you should be able to talk to your close friends about things that happened inn your life ?

Hi Mooberry.  Thank you.  I am glad that passage spoke to you.

Deirdre, Fie makes an excellent point.  Your T can handle your emotions and so can we.   

Thank you Kwamina for your encouragement and validating words that I am on a good path in my life, towards healing.

Harri I had a counseling appointment today and one booked for next Tuesday, that will be the last one before surgery. I really like my T a lot, she is good at picking up on my problems and relating and sharing her similar struggles in life when she see's I need a push. We talked a lot about how my perceptions and the way I live have been shaped by my past sexual abuse. Like how I like hugs, but I give off very strong don't touch me signals and am not actually comfortable with being hugged or touched if I am not forewarned. As soon as I hit my teen years I was uncomfortable having female friends over and hyper aware of their clothing choices around my father. I didn't even know about the abuse/rape of my sister then, which is a sign that I knew deep down something was wrong. More and more about my responses lets me believe that I was violated in some way and to trust my memories that are returning.

 One thing that I talked to my T about is that I only just realized like a week ago in relation to my sexual identity. Is that I have been sexually attracted to my best friend, though we have a platonic great friendship. I realized though that I am probably attracted to her because of my mom issues, my need to fix and help. I wanted to be with my friend romantically, because I felt like I could fix her and do way better then her current boyfriend. I always thought more of relationship issues as "daddy issues", my schema is broadening to just "parent issues". Also that because of the way I was raised and the way I learned to handle emotions made me feel more masculine. One of my brothers has the same problems where he always picks women to date who "need fixed". I think it is because of the broken relationship with my mom, that he couldn't protect or fix her.  So he tries to fix other women now who are in situations like my mom used to be in. On the bright side my T mentioned most people don't realize they have "mom issues" until late 20s normally more in the 30s or after having kids, so I am ahead of the curve for what is normal. I think this has to do with how VERY determined I am to dig deep into my self so I can heal. Not just that though but because I have a very solid support system going on right now, T, bpdfamily, friends, siblings.

Siblings leads me to a conversation I had with my sister last week. She was having a really hard time so she was messaging me. Wondering how things were here, how mom was doing. Because she couldn't actually get herself to call our mom, they have had a close relationship for quite some time, talk to each other on the phone almost every day. But my sister just came to the realization after my mom didn't leave my uBPDf yet again after she said she was going to. That she is really upset and hurt by my mom. Not just my father who she has worked really hard to come to terms with the abusiveness and the severe mental abuse he did to her that has had lifelong damage. She just realized that my mom also has hurt her and she also is angry at her. She is early 30s so right on track with what my T told me today is the more normal curve to realize this. But I had a really good conversation with her about it, since we are going through the same thing. I was able to share that I feel like my mom failed at protecting us. She failed at her job to keep us safe. Validating my sister's feelings, while expressing my own feelings, it was a good step for both of us. That at least for me, I am mourning the loss of the parents I didn't have right now. Also that I am trying to radically accept that my parents aren't what I wanted or needed, but they are what I have. It is really hard to forgive someone if you are disillusioned and believe they are better then they actually are. I think me and my siblings have lived in a bubble of thinking my mom is amazing and it is too bad she has been a victim. Me and my sister are now realizing that she has had a choice and chosen to be a victim. Now we have to come to terms with who she actually is, not the idealized version of who we want her to be.

Another thing I have recently realized is even though I didn't know about some of the abuse that happened I have made good steps in working passed some of the side-affects. I have touchy feeling super platonic male friends who have helped me feel more comfortable with guys. I feel very, very grateful. I never knew I had problems with men, until I was training a dog for service (not for myself) a couple years ago and she started "tasking" unasked for me. Blocking when there was a guy nearby, circling, nudging me when i was getting anxious in a situation. She basically diagnosed me with severe anxiety before I even realized I had severe anxiety. She did these things for quite awhile before I actually realized what she was doing though, it just really annoyed me that she was "tasking" in situations that I thought she shouldn't be. It was very eye opening to me, because I realized her problems with men stemmed from my problems with men as well.

Fie Thank you for your support!
I honestly. Don't know. I don't feel the need to share explicit things with them, but I feel like I should be able to talk about me. About my emotional states at any given time and if it is connected to my past then relevant information. That way they can be there to support me emotionally, which they can't if they don't know there is an issue. I am there to support them emotionally always, I feel like I need to do myself a service and make it at least a little more of a two way street. Also, I know that sharing my struggles can at times help them in their struggles. Which a lot of my current friends have things in their pasts they are dealing with too, just like with here it is good to feel like you are not alone.


I feel so grateful to have all of you listening to me and supporting me through this rough patch in my life!

Hi deirdre


There are definitely some concerning signs possibly pointing to something even more concerning. It is very good that you have a T to help guide you through this.


What kind of issues do you feel your best friend has?

It's interesting that you also mention your other friends. Do you perhaps feel like subconsciously as a result of your own experiences, you might be gravitating towards other individuals, not just your best friend, who've had difficult experiences in their past?


You and your sister have come to a very significant realization about the role your mom played. The dysfunction of the disordered parent is often most obvious, yet the other 'non-disordered' parent most definitely also plays a role. I am sorry your mother did not do more to protect and nourish you and your siblings   How would you describe the relationship your parents have?

The Board Parrot

Hi Kwamina
She grew up in a broken home. Her father is an alcoholic, her mom left him though. She struggles a lot with anxiety, in crowds, in general. She was severely isolated in her teens because her mom married a man who is a mountaineering recluse. I knew her through these years, she had a bit of self harm and suicidal tendencies. Before that she was molested by a male friend of her moms and has struggled to recover. Her personality is very different then my mothers. But the romantic situation she is in now reminds me of my mom. Her boyfriend is a druggy, partier, was living with his parents and then recently homeless until last week when she got an apartment with him. He has verbal and emotional abusive tendencies and I have been there for her often when she is broken because of something he said or did. She has taken on the role of trying to fix him, when all I can see is she is too broken to fix him even if that was possible. This is what reminds me of my mom, the thought that "love" can fix a person. That they can change, when I rarely have seen that happen. She has been with him for about 2 years now, for a long time I would tell her I would help her out. We could get an apartment she could get away, I would help her start again. Last year when she was pregnant before her miscarriage, I was 100% willing if the dad fell through and she needed help that I would have done all I could to help her out.

I am finally coming to the point where I am realizing I am just as bad as she is trying to help "fix" when I can't, it isn't my place. If she asks me for help that is one thing, I need to stop offering it freely though. Because I take it as rejection each time. We have been friends now for about 8-9 years, we have the kind of friendship where we joke a lot about being each others soul mates. That it is just too bad one of us wasn't a male, which with the issues I had already with that because of my father I think that lead more into me taking on a masculine persona. It didn't have any real romantic or sexual interest behind the relationship though until the past couple years. I think seeing her with another guy who I didn't approve of brought out those feelings in me.

This ties into my mom because I have always been her emotional support, basically a surrogate partner in every way but physically. I think part of me wanted to see with a non-incestuous relationship if I could fix someone if I added the physical/sexual portion to it. It hasn't helped that both me and my friend dance around the subject a lot in a light hearted yet semi/serious way.

Yes, I completely subconsciously choose friends who have come from broken and or abusive pasts. Another close friend of mine, she was molested as a child was super withdrawn when I first met her. Yet she is probably the least abused/healthiest friend of mine in some ways. A close male friend of mine came from an alcoholic and troublesome family. Another friend from a very strict/religious background, homeschooled like I was, I still don't know his full history. But he is quite a mess and learning all about life now in his 20s, things most kids learned in their adolescence and teens. The list goes on and on, even farther back one of my only friends in my early teens has now already had 2 kids and lost them both multiple times to the state to where they are being adopted out to a different family.

On the bright side, the friends I currently have my best friend excluded. Are all working on fixing themselves, working on healing from their pasts. So yes I found a bunch of people who are troubled, but the current trend of finding people who are in recovery and survivors like I am is good. It is also good now that I have awareness about the kind of people I am drawn to and the kind of people I attract.

I am still contemplating this question and running out of time to answer it fully at this moment. I am not ignoring it and will come back to it later. Thank you so much for the questions and support!

Harri I forgot to answer the end of your post the other day, my surgery is in the 31st of this month! :D

Hi Deirdre.  I will be sure to think of you and send good thoughts your way on the 31st! 

It sounds like you have a good support system as you work your way through your past and present.  You can all encourage each other with the tough work.  One word of caution that I am sure you know but I will say it anyway (!) is that it can be all too easy to slip into the caretaker role with your friends.  So it is good that you can see parallels in your friends situation with your parents.  Be mindful of your natural inclination to caretake and possibly rescue.  Especially with this:

I'm glad to hear that ! You are indeed worthwhile and your friends should care for you like you care for them.

The reason I asked this question was that I sometimes notice that my friends don't really understand when I (try to) talk about my past. Even when I really try to explain how it was for me, they still don't seem to be able to grasp it. I get dull comments like 'I think you are misperceiving the situation with your parents' from even close friends who know me well.

I don't hold this against them. They don't understand because they didn't live it. It used to give me a lonely feeling, but now I just come here if I need people who get it.

Your friends however seem to have had a difficult past too. I am sure they will understand you once you'll be able to  talk to them. Don't be discouraged though, when they are having difficulties with it. It doesn't mean they don't care.

Rooting for you on the 31st !
xxx

I have been mindful of this inclination for a few years now. But I think it will be a personality trait I will struggle with for many years still. I have tried a few healthy and unhealthy ways to not be such a caretaker. Unhealthily when going out with friends to parties trying to drink enough so that I would stop trying to keep close tabs on everyone there. That totally failed, I am still very much so a caretaker even when drunk. On the brightside now I don't try to do that to fix it, not the best coping method/strategy out there. I am really bad at concerts with friends, I become super hyper-vigilant and take on a motherly/body-guard role. I have to remind myself now throughout the night that they are adults and not 100% my responsibility to take care of. I always have to remind myself not to burn myself out helping friends out of bad situations, I have had to distance myself from a couple people in my life because I was way too willing to keep helping and rescuing them. I ended up so exhausted and emotionally shot that I had to graciously step back. I totally felt guilty doing so even though I knew logically it wasn't my problem to fix.

Hey Fie
Yeah, if I tried talking about some of the stuff that has gone on in my life with the few friends I have that have had relatively healthy lives. They wouldn't get it, it always bugs me when acquaintances will talk about someone else who has told them of abuse that happened. But then say that they must be lying and looking for attention. I mean yes half the things the person said might have been a lie, but usually in my experience people who lie like that do so because no one listened to them when they sincerely tried getting help from a bad situation. Some people just don't have a frame of reference for abuse because they grew up in a relatively healthy environment. Part of me is jealous of that but the other part of me is happy to not be so oblivious to reality.

Thank you Harri and Fie I am glad to have all of the support I can get! I am getting more and more nervous about it as it comes closer. I am not even nervous about the actually surgery though, just the healing process. I am a homebody I love being at home (well not as much now with all the stress but despite it I love being in bed with a book). But the problem is anytime I know I "can't" leave and am stuck at home because of illness or whatever, I get cabin fever really bad. I start to go totally crazy wanting to leave the house, so I am trying to prepare myself for this happening again.

Hiya!  I just want to pop in and say good luck, happy healing and you've got this... .just in case you do not check in tomorrow.   

 Here's to happy easy healing and no more pain!

Hi deirdre

Joining Harri in wishing you good luck and a speedy recovery  

Thank you Kwamina and Harri! Surgery went very well, I have been able to walk around today (probably because of pain meds) but they want me to be able to walk about a mile tomorrow. I did not expect them to want me to be this active so early! I am not complaining though, that means I should have a fairly quick recovery  :)
The Dr. said my uterus does have adeno in/on it and in about 10-15 years I will have to have a hysterectomy. But I am glad I get the time that I do! He will tell me more about it when I have my post-op appointment in a couple weeks. Hoping it doesn't cause me too much pain long term. I am so very grateful today though to have had this surgery and not be as out of it as I was my last two surgeries.

All of the good thoughts you guys sent my way today have been appreciated!

Yes!  It is wonderful news that you are doing so well!  I've been hoping you would feel up to logging on today, so thanks for the update.

Walking... .it does a gal good after surgery... .or so they told me.  

Thanks for the update deidre! I'm very happy that things went well :) Ever seen a smiling parrot?
(https://thumb1.shutterstock.com/display_pic_with_logo/54700/54700,1157198096,3/stock-photo-a-tight-shot-of-an-australian-rainbow-lorikeet-isolated-1780341.jpg)

I'm also glad that you still have some years before that other procedure. It's still quite significant, but I like your positive attitude in focusing on the time you do get :)

Because sometimes the day after is worse than the day of: 

celebrate7  <--- not as good as a smiling parrot, but I hope the message comes across!

Thanks for the balloons and smiling parrot!
Yup today was not as great as yesterday, the better pain killers wore off last night. Not feeling as on top of the world now. I don't think I walked a full mile, but I did make sure this evening to go out and walk around the yard some. Which I am sure helped long term, but it hurt pretty bad afterwards. I know I gotta keep pushing forward though.

Kwamina I am finally getting back to your question.
The short description of how I see their relationship is that they are 5 (non-mother) 8 (uBPDf) year olds playing at marriage. Like when a boy picks on a girl at the playground and the girl goes home crying, only to be told by the adults that he must like her and that is why he is being mean. So then the girl starts to see the teasing as how love is expressed and is extra nice to him since he must like her. Especially in the instances that he isn't being mean and brings her a ribbon from the fair. This is my current analogy for their dynamic.

In reality they are affectionate when things are going well. They kiss and hug and hold hands etc. They are two very  different individuals though and their brains work so differently they just don't "click". As one of my siblings explained it, it is like they speak two different languages and one tries to say "I love you" but in the other persons language it translates as "You are an ugly Donkey". So neither of them feel like the other one understands and they both invalidate each-other because they both have different needs. My father is often very emotionally and verbally abusive to my mother and belittles her often, she is his main "safe" person to project all of his emotions onto. While my mom plays the victim and doesn't know how to not be a victim, but then she also plays the rescuer because he is ill and has to be taken care of and rescued. They both switch between the roles pretty fluidly. So it is a relationship of "love" built form fear of the unknown and being abandoned with very little respect for each-other.

How are you?  Better I hope. 

Is your family helping you enough?

Hi Harri
I am doing better, this evening has been rough. I over did it earlier today, too much standing and walking without enough brakes. Then I thought some light stretching would be a good idea. My body tonight is telling me that it was not a good idea. My family has been helpful while I have been out of it, yes.
Thank you for checking up on me   

Hi there.  How are you?  Still healing well?

Have you been able to talk with your mom about her having a safety plan?  what about your own until you move?  I might be mixing up threads here... .

Thinking of you.

Hey Harri, I am still on the mend I feel like I am healing up well. I still haven't talked to my mom about a safety plan or worked out out myself, thanks for the reminder I kind of forgot about it. I have been a bit out of it, but I guess that was to be expected during the first part of this healing process. I have been doing quite a bit of avoiding my own emotions and thoughts though since surgery. I needa dive back into the game because its making me feel extra ditsy. That is also do to being tired though and needing more downtime, but more downtime means more time with myself. I seem to be a master at avoiding myself though, I am learning it is going to be a hard habit to truly break.
I have a counseling appointment tomorrow and last time she said if I wanted to dig into my memories and such I could. Since she won't have but a couple more weeks with me. Still haven't decided if I want to, because I want to get it over with. But on the other side I have really low energy as is and don't know if I want to do that kind of healing along with the physical now. Might be better to do that kind of digging when I don't live here too. That way maybe I will have less triggers right there as I uncover new things. Ah, decisions, decisions.

Hello Deirdre 


Happy to hear your healing is going well.

How did your session go ?

x

Hi!

it is okay to take a break at any time but especially after having surgery!  It is good that you know you need to get back in the game though, even just a bit.  I am glad you are healing.  

Oh yes!  me too.  My main way is to dissociate though that has gotten much better with therapy.

I agree.  See what comes up in therapy though.  You may find that you want/need to poke around a bit at the harder stuff.  If you do , know you will be able to handle it.  You have us, you will be moving soon (!) and you have some friends to help you along.  You've got this, whatever happens.  

Hey,
 my T session went good last week decided not to delve deep into anything. But it ended up being a good session none-the-less. I started my class on Friday, man am I feeling the time crunch now. Between a lot of reading and studying I need to do, packing that I need to do and friends I want/need to see before I leave all with only 1 week left. Also praying that my car gets fixed in time, my father decided to fix my air conditioner before I leave. I am trying hard to keep myself motivated and moving, since I don't have time to be lazy. But also trying to balance the fact that I am still healing and need downtime.
I am also really feeling it that I am actually leaving. Kinda feeling like the family has gone into the honey-moon phase and now that things are calmer externally and internally I am thinking of all the things I am going to miss about it here. It is a good thing I already have all the plans made to leave, or I would probably stick around for another cycle. It is good to appreciate that good things though, not to dwell on the bad. There is such a balance to try to stay out of denial but focus on the good. Either way I know I have great new adventures ahead of me, just hard to leave the old adventures behind no matter how bad some of them have turned out.

Also on another note, it was kind of hard today being Fathers-Day. I struggled all morning with the holiday. I felt like I "should" tell him happy fathers day and that I am so lucky to have a him as a father. Like I see so many people doing, saying grand things about their fathers, even fathers I know are not that great and that the children making those claims are not on good terms most of the time. I didn't want to be mean by not acknowledging the day and him, but also what about authenticity behind my words, why say things that I don't believe right now. But do  I really not believe those things? I love him and some days think he is great and that I am lucky. I really felt lucky last week, I went to an AA meeting and really just felt so lucky that my dad has been sober the past 4 years after his last relapse. But is feeling lucky that I live in an alcohol free environment for the greater portion of my teens really such a  great thing? He is the one that had the drinking problem in the first place. I know his sobriety has lead me to being sober for this long  though, the knowledge of not wanting to go down the same path he did. So I feel lucky and appreciate him. At the same time I feel so disgusted by him and find it hard to appreciate the damage done. Oh well, at the end of the day I settled on telling him I was lucky to have a father that cared enough to fix my car for me. I think it was a good middle ground, being true to myself and my current emotional state, while also observing fathers-day to a degree  and not being rude.

So you're feeling it too, I thought it was just me! :)

(https://www.petmountain.com/photos/product/giant/114420S510155/bird-treat-sticks/vitakraft-parakeet-crunch-sticks-variety-pack-honey-egg-fruit.jpg)

One step at a time, one day at a time |iiii


I understand Deirdre, because in spite of everything, it is/was still your home and they are still your family.


I am glad you were able to find a balance that felt right to you. You actually did something here which shows several elements from our article about validation:

Take care, the Board Parrot is rooting for you

Thanks for the update Deirdre.   

Leaving home is a big step.  How's that for stating the obvious?    

I guess you can call it lucky.  Could you be feeling a sense of relief that the last 4 years have not included alcohol in the mix? 

My T caught me saying I am so lucky in life and challenge me on it and I would list all the reasons why I felt so.  Each one was me comparing my situation to one worse or to how bad it used to be... .all the while denying just how bad things still were/are.  I do believe in acknowledging the good that happened but I got lost in it.  It is good that you are aware and are seeking more balance.

Crunch time?  You've got this!  I feel better knowing Kwamina as usual is being helpful and is willing to share his snacks!