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My relationship has been over since Valentine's Day but I am consumed with guilt.  I was the one that initiated the break up because I caught my significant other lying to me again.  I don't know how it always happens but things get "flipped".  We were together for 11 years. The move out happened on March 3 and I've been all over the board regarding emotions, thoughts, feelings.  One week was so dark for me that I considered suicide.  I immediately set up an appointment with my counselor the following day.  I've heard all the different versions of our break up that my ex has told other people.  I feel like I have to defend myself. I feel like I constantly have to take screen shots so people know I'm NOT crazy and can't make this stuff up. Intellectually, I know I made the right decision but yet I had hope that she would be "healed, pull her head out of her hiney, move forward, etc"  She goes to "group counseling" and "one on one counseling".  She has not been diagnosed with  BPD but I truly believe Dr's have missed it because she can put on a great show with Dr's.  She was actually hospitalized last year for 5 days for a suicide attempt.  Her diagnosis is PTSD.  Her "group" and her "counselor" never see the side of her that I've seen the last 11 years. Since our break up, I've tried to do so much soul searching to understand why nothing was ever good enough. I've read so many books and I finally read one that hit the nail on the head "Stop walking on eggshells" which was recommended by my counselor.  I've only gotten through a few pages but so far, it feels like I wrote the book.  Ever since the break up, I've still been manipulated.  I don't really have any friends.  I'm a 24/7 caretaker to my mother who was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease last year.  I just can't understand WHY I feel the way I do.  I still find myself wanting to make things work out.  I don't want to completely let go because I'm waiting for her to get help, healed, or whatever it is that would allow us to not toss 11 years of our life away. I don't feel like I have anyone I can talk to.  I feel lost, alone, need support, need guidance, I need SOMETHING to help me get through this.  I've never posted in on online chat group before and I really don't know how this works but I'm desperate.  

You have found a great community.  There are a lot of very kind and insightful people here. 

I have found reading about other people's experiences has helped me understand and begin to accept leaving my undiagnosed fiancé.  --the single hardest thing I have ever done.

This year I have experienced the highest highs and I have been through crushing lows.  My experience with a lover, who may suffer from BPD, was only a year -but in that year I feel like I have been turned inside out -nothing in life feels the same.

I have found help and some solace through therapy, reading, and exercise.

Remember to take care of yourself -eat, sleep, and consider going for a short walk at least once a day.  I know these simple things can seem like herculean feats in a time like this -but they are important to help you through.


Things really will get better.


Wicker Man

This may help you a lot read it a few times trust me .
https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality#6

Don’t feel guilty there was nothing you could have done to undo the damage she has had since a child.11 years is a longtime, but getting your sanity back and life should be your priority right now, not her.

Hello there Secret Celeb!

Sending you greetings from the community . I welcome you to the boards and hope you'll have a pleasant stay with us and have a good time interacting with our community members.


I'm sorry that your relationship has ended. 11 Years is a long time to be in "such" a relationship as the one you are describing. How are you keeping now? I'm glad that you've checked yourself in with a counselor. Have you been able to mention about how you were feeling with those dark thoughts? It must be confusing and surprising that you're ex has "spun". I somewhat echo how you feel about, defending yourself and that you seem to be like the only person who knows how "she truly is"

 

It does feel like you've hit the jackpot isn't it reading something that relates so much to your situation, and perhaps even comforting to assure yourself that you're not crazy. Have you read any other books? Perhaps i'd recommend you looking into this book called "I hate you, don't leave me" authored by Hal Straus and Jerold Jay Kreisman


Would you like to share how you're still being manipulated? Is she contacting you or... is she continually spinning stories and painting you "black", ie presenting you as the bad guy and she being the victim of what's been happening?


You know secret celeb, grief and loss take time, we'd miss what we are familiar. When we lose our comforts, "whether be it bad or good" our body and mind goes into a sort of cold turkey. I'm out of a relationship which was just about 10 months, and though it's almost half a year. I still miss my uBPDexGF, i don't want her back but it sure took time. I went through few recycles wanting to make things out. I'd just want to say, this is just being human. We're here to listen, and i do believe many community members will be able to respond and relate to what you're going through.

Hope to hear from you,
Spero.