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After almost 20 yrs of marriage to my BPD wife, we went to see a Dr. of Psychology recently for marriage counselling. Firstly my wife was diagnosed with BPD, then shortly thereafter the Dr. diagnosed me with Complex-PTSD (due to 20 yrs enduring BPD abuse (Emotional/Verbal & Physical). I like most Non-BPD spouses fell into her BP Web and felt stuck all those years, believing it was my fault and becoming addicted to the "Idealization" phase of my BPD wife. I wish I would have known about BPD and this site many years ago. But a warning to those still early into a BPD relationship. Do something fast before you end up like myself with a serious mental illness (C-PTSD) !

hey Carterbc 

thats a long time to be married. it sounds like youve been through the wringer.

has the relationship ended? what happened?

Hi Carterbc  , i join once_removed in welcoming you to the boards.


Wow, that is one way to open a thread. PTSD-C. I'm really sorry that 20 years together has resulted in a PTSD diagnosis. The road towards healing is long, Carterbc, but i do believe it is possible. PTSD-C is serious and so i'm wondering what your psychologist has recommended, especially in light of your situation. I am also concerned, that "you've believe that it was your fault all these years and that you felt stuck". How are you keeping right now and what the status of your relationship? Let us know how we can respond to your situation.

Takecare,
Spero

The Dr. has recommended, a Therapeutic Separation (I would move out-as there are too many triggers in the household for me) for at least 3 months. During this time I would get PTSD therapy and my wife Dialectic (BPD) Therapy. We would then come together, to the Dr.'s office and I would bring a list of abuses my wife has inflicted on me over the years (it will be a VERY long list). Kind of like a Victims Impact Statement in court. Then there would need to be accountability, genuine  remorse, and an apology from my wife. Then hopefully I can forgive and only then can the healing of my PTSD begin, and perhaps our marriage. My PTSD came on likely after 5-10 years of the abuse (not 20), is why I at least want to warn others who think they can stick it out with a BPD partner. Also male victims of Domestic Abuse have it difficult in our society having people take them seriously, there is very little support if any (even when statistics show domestic abuse is pretty much 50/50 between genders).

Hey Carterbc, I'd like to echo Spero and once removed and say Welcome!

I'm sorry to hear that you've been diagnosed as suffering from complex PTSD, though I can't say that I'm totally surprised.  Like you, I learned about BPD well into my marriage, after about nine years.

Agree that abuse against male victims is largely under the radar, though it happens every day.  Most men, it seems, are embarrassed or reluctant to admit that they've been abused.  Certainly I had trouble talking about it at first.  After separating from my BPDxW, I finally felt free to discuss the issue and get it out in the open, with help from my T.  Everyone heals at his/her own pace, so go easy on yourself.  It sounds like you have a wise professional to walk you through the process.  Keep us posted, when you can.

LuckyJim

we certainly take it seriously here. youve been through a great deal, and healing will no doubt be a tall order. there will be a lot to process, and it will likely come in waves.

a therapeutic separation is also a tall order, but there is hope; you have the space to heal now, the issues are on the table, and as we speak, there are several members on this board who are also going through a therapeutic separation after physical abuse who can relate and have navigated this tricky territory.

the plan is pretty solid. do expect some wild ups and downs and obstacles in the road.

have you initiated the separation yet? how did your wife respond?

Any advice those that are or have gone through a therapeutic separation would be very welcome. Our Psychologist has not given the specifics as to how all this will unfold. The last session it was more or less put out as a concept, and really the only way I can heal (PTSD). The next session will be more detailed to be sure. My wife acted like she didn't even hear that part, she said she would't feel comfortable telling the psychologist all the terrible things I did over the years though. When I asked her what those might be, she just looked at me like a deer in the headlights, and didn't answer. Should be an interesting next therapy session !
Was thinking if there are any law enforcement folks on here they can spread the word to be wary of women making (false) accusations against their husbands (without evidence) who could be BPD. When it comes to Domestic Violence men should not be guilty until proven innocent (especially when the male is the one covered in bruises... ).

Hey Carter, Yes, I've been through a mutually-agreed upon separation from my BPDxW, though it wasn't a "therapeutic" one under the guidance of a professional.  I'm all for this approach and think you will find it quite beneficial, if you carry it out.  Keep us posted on your progress, when you can.

LJ

Thanks for your advice LJ, I am seeing the Psy Dr. tomorrow alone to get details of how the therapeutic separation should/will be presented. I am thinking it would be easier for my BPDw to handle as there is an expectation of reconciliation with this. In other words, she might not see it as abandonment, and there will be far less chaos in it's implementation than a separation or trial separation would. Will let you know how it goes... .