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Title: Anyone else been told that THEY think black and white while the BPD does not Post by: Gunit1 on May 01, 2018, 08:35:03 PM I read that BPD and most or all cluster bs project onto u, one of things falls under BPD is black and white thinking.
Anyone else throughout their relationship with their BPD parter been told by them in an argument that THEY think black and white while the BPD does not? I got told this even though it was more to do with easy decisions which she always made so complicated and sometimes rel stuff. But I think if they all think black and white why would she accuse me of this. Title: Re: Anyone else been told that THEY think black and white while the BPD does not Post by: Turkish on May 02, 2018, 12:15:45 AM I was taken to family therapy by my BPD mother when I was 13, then abandoned after the first joint session. She jumped down my throat, the T didn't intervene. Thereafter I had a negative view of the profession.
When I was 42, my ex did something similar... .but I stuck with therapy by myself no matter what my ex thought about me needing it. I did, but not because I was messed up (her projections, like my mother). She had previously tried to send me to a couples communication class by myself. She ended up coming. Felt good, but it didn't change anything. Maybe you think in black and white sometimes. Who doesn't? And maybe it's not always a bad thing? What matters is how you view yourself, and it's very hard, so hard, to get clarity on this in or detaching from a r/s with a person with disordered traits. Btw- my mom asked me when I was 37, "do you remember when I took you to that therapist when you were 13?" I replied, my Spidey senses on guard, "yes." ":)o you know what he said about you?" "No," me angry now. "He said you were one of the most pleasant and well adjusted young men he'd ever met." Could have told me at the time! I was so mad, then I let it go. There was no sense hashing it out. I have yet to hash it out with my ex and my adult T's judgement of me similarly, me paying him the down payment on a decent car notwithstanding Title: Re: Anyone else been told that THEY think black and white while the BPD does not Post by: Skip on May 02, 2018, 02:49:06 PM Gunit1, I think it would help to narrow this down to specifics if you are really trying to make sense of it.
Yes, people with BPD traits are know to project and get caught up in black and white thinking - more and to a greater extent than most people. People in 3rd and 4 stage relationship breakdown, are more likely to project and get caught up in black and white thinking. People in depression (72% of members here) are more likely to project and get caught up in black and white thinking. There is projection and black and white thinking on this board, today and yesterday and the day before. Thinking that all people with BPD traits always use black and white thinking is actually, black and white thinking :) And in some cases, black in white thinking is appropriate. I think you have to drill down to a specific situation. Black and white thinking is one of 10 cognitive distortions. Excerpt Excerpt 1. All-or-nothing thinking - You see things in black-or-white categories. If a situation falls short of perfect, you see it as a total failure. When a young woman on a diet ate a spoonful of ice cream, she told herself, "I've blown my diet completely." This thought upset her so much that she gobbled down an entire quart of ice cream. 2. Overgeneralization - You see a single negative event, such as a romantic rejection or a career reversal, as a never-ending pattern of defeat by using words such as "always" or "never" when you think about it. A depressed salesman became terribly upset when he noticed bird dung on the window of his car. He told himself, "Just my luck! Birds are always crapping on my car!" 3. Mental Filter - You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively, so that your vision of reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors a beaker of water. Example: You receive many positive comments about your presentation to a group of associates at work, but one of them says something mildly critical. You obsess about his reaction for days and ignore all the positive feedback. 4. Discounting the positive - You reject positive experiences by insisting that they "don't count." If you do a good job, you may tell yourself that it wasn't good enough or that anyone could have done as well. Discounting the positives takes the joy out of life and makes you feel inadequate and unrewarded. 5. Jumping to conclusions - You interpret things negatively when there are no facts to support your conclusion. Mind Reading : Without checking it out, you arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you. Fortune-telling : You predict that things will turn out badly. Before a test you may tell yourself, "I'm really going to blow it. What if I flunk?" If you're depressed you may tell yourself, "I'll never get better." 6. Magnification - You exaggerate the importance of your problems and shortcomings, or you minimize the importance of your desirable qualities. This is also called the "binocular trick." 7. Emotional Reasoning - You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: "I feel terrified about going on airplanes. It must be very dangerous to fly." Or, "I feel guilty. I must be a rotten person." Or, "I feel angry. This proves that I'm being treated unfairly." Or, "I feel so inferior. This means I'm a second rate person." Or, "I feel hopeless. I must really be hopeless." 8. "Should" statements - You tell yourself that things should be the way you hoped or expected them to be. After playing a difficult piece on the piano, a gifted pianist told herself, "I shouldn't have made so many mistakes." This made her feel so disgusted that she quit practicing for several days. "Musts," "oughts" and "have tos" are similar offenders. "Should statements" that are directed against yourself lead to guilt and frustration. Should statements that are directed against other people or the world in general, lead to anger and frustration: "He shouldn't be so stubborn and argumentative!" Many people try to motivate themselves with shoulds and shouldn'ts, as if they were delinquents who had to be punished before they could be expected to do anything. "I shouldn't eat that doughnut." This usually doesn't work because all these shoulds and musts make you feel rebellious and you get the urge to do just the opposite. Dr. Albert Ellis has called this " must erbation." I call it the "shouldy" approach to life. 9. Labeling - Labeling is an extreme form of all-or-nothing thinking. Instead of saying "I made a mistake," you attach a negative label to yourself: "I'm a loser." You might also label yourself "a fool" or "a failure" or "a jerk." Labeling is quite irrational because you are not the same as what you do. Human beings exist, but "fools," "losers" and "jerks" do not. These labels are just useless abstractions that lead to anger, anxiety, frustration and low self-esteem. You may also label others. When someone does something that rubs you the wrong way, you may tell yourself: "He's an S.O.B." Then you feel that the problem is with that person's "character" or "essence" instead of with their thinking or behavior. You see them as totally bad. This makes you feel hostile and hopeless about improving things and leaves very little room for constructive communication. 10. Personalization and Blame - Personalization comes when you hold yourself personally responsible for an event that isn't entirely under your control. When a woman received a note that her child was having difficulty in school, she told herself, "This shows what a bad mother I am," instead of trying to pinpoint the cause of the problem so that she could be helpful to her child. When another woman's husband beat her, she told herself, "If only I was better in bed, he wouldn't beat me." Personalization leads to guilt, shame and feelings of inadequacy. I got told this even though it was more to do with easy decisions which she always made so complicated and sometimes rel stuff. But I think if they all think black and white why would she accuse me of this. What actually happened? |