BPDFamily.com

I have a daughter w uBPD. A long story, as most here can identify. Anyway, I just read a column about NPD, which my daughter says I suffer from. And after reading the traits of NPD I must admit, I can say that I can answer 'yes' to some of the symptoms.

https://www.urbo.com/content/tactics-used-by-narcissists-to-silence-you/?rtg=3186-3O2FW8&param4=urbo-oo-fbss-3186-demo

And from my daughter's point of view, I can see that she would perceive that I suffer from NPD. Some of the tactics listed in this article, I suspect most of us have used to diffuse a situation. So, it's a slippery slope, isn't it? Gaslighting, diversion, and triangulation, although I've never thought of it those terms at the time, are all tactics that I've used to try to get her to see her black and white thinking and diffuse her anger. Anyone else out there starting to question their own sanity?

Hi beady

 Welcome to the bpdfamily

Yep... .question myself all the time.  I'm not an expert, however if there is untold/unreasonable conflict within relationships that struggle to be repaired, there may be underlying mental health issues that warrant exploration to either be understood or in many cases explained away.

The fact that you entertain this as a possibility for yourself shows great self-awareness which from my experience with my BPD daughter is a trait that would rarely be entertained by her.  She doesn't have any problems, the issues are someone elses.

I wanted to know too if I had BPD and spoke to a therapist about this. Sometimes I struggle to manage my emotional reactions to things and at times have struggled with being a victim.  At times I can be highly critical and judgemental - but I am aware of these things and I don't think they are indicative of a mental health disorder. I work hard through my life to be a better version of me.

You are asking good questions and I encourage you to explore them with a therapist and learn any management strategies (diagnosis or no diagnosis) so that you can also be the best version of you. |iiii

Depending on your circumstances, maybe you could both go together.

Keep coming and sharing, it's a very interesting issue that you raise, and I'm sure other parents will chime in here as well.

Kind regards
Merlot

 Thank you so much for answering my question, and quieting my doubts. I think we just all get a bit crazy after a while trying to make sense of the situation we find ourselves in.  :thought: I'm glad I'm not the only one with these self doubts.

Hi beady, I too started to think that I was the one with the problem. My uBPD son is high functioning and very articulate, and although deep down I knew that he was the one with a problem, I started to believe that maybe he was right when he told me that it was me who had a problem.

When I first found out about BPD and read up about it I was looking to see if any of the traits applied to me, it was just me searching for answers and I can see how easy it is to apply traits to oneself, especially if in an emotional state of mind, which I was at the time. Going to counselling has helped me to work my way through this and I am much more self aware and at peace with myself and who I am. 

What I have heard most often is that you are worrying that you are NPD, you are not. :) They do make us think we are crazy though sometimes! I really like "The Little Shaman" podcasts. She puts in plain and simple.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hyTrKaPRc8c

be careful with lists like these. they are generally not clinical resources, most pathologize pretty normal or at least common human behavior (we all triangulate - triangulation is everywhere, and there is good and bad triangulation, and "gaslighting" for example is not a term you will find used in most clinical settings), and they can lead you astray in terms of the intentions of, or when it comes to reading, others.

it is an urban legend that if you question whether you have a personality disorder or have the ability to be introspective, that it means you do not have a personality disorder. many people with a personality disorder are perfectly capable of at least starting with both; its how many get into treatment, and there are plenty of stories where partners told their BPD loved one that they thought they had a personality disorder (against advice) and had it be received.

the important thing is that you recognize this stuff. our loved ones are difficult and test us, that is a given, but our responses and how we deal with this kind of adversity is often not the healthiest approach, and/or makes things worse. its tough going. learning new and healthier approaches takes a lot of effort and practice, but it helps us cope, and makes things easier on the relationship.

so the question to me is "i have these unhealthy behaviors; what do i do about it?". and in that regard, working through them here on the board, and with a therapist, is a great approach!

Hello Beady,
My DD would often tell us that she was doing her work- working on herself, but that we weren’t. And it was true, she’d see her therapist and we just spent our time reacting to her behavior. A friend of mine pulled me over and mentioned that I, too should work on my stuff.

I began seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist, I was diagnosed with bipolar.

I’ve continued with treatment and have saught support from this board and a Family Connections group. I also have a small group of friends- tremendous support, I met them two summers ago when I got so depressed, I had to go into IOP. My biggest regret is that I didn’t do this when my DD was much younger.

Taking time to reflect about our own selves can be scary and painful. You are so brave to consider your daughter’s feedback.
I’d encourage you to continue to explore this with a professional.

It’s really tough raising a child with BPD and we all need as much support as we can get. A therapist might help.

Thank you all for your very valuable and supportive advice. I think it is true that to be aware is a good part of the equation. I will read and try to practice the advice given in the right hand column.

Great stuff beady, I hope you continue to share with us and let us know how you are getting on x