BPDFamily.com

I have been going back and forth with my year old relationship. I broke it off, but let the door open. Apparently, big mistake. Since then we have had two approaches, and on both, she just kept on taking advantage. The last one she started texting things here and there trying to get a response. I had been neutral. Finally she called, and we had a great conversation, just to be left out on the cold AGAIN. Yesterday we talked again, and I was in no mood to deal with it, and let her have a piece of my mind, on how I couldn't take anymore her showing up and dissapearing as quickly. I want to stay away. I do not want to allow myself to respond to her approaches anymore. She barely EVER follows through with her promises, and I am too tired and hurt to allow it to happen. I am dreading her next attempt since I might end up answering, but I have no hope that this will ever change, and I definitely cannot take things like they are. Changes have to happen, and I am too tired to keep on putting the effort. It appears everything has to be on her terms, and I feel too alone while being in a relationship. I dont think I can do this on the long term. She actually once told me all she cares about people is what she can get out of them. How can anyone tell me this is just the BPD? It has to be more than that. It sounds like pure evil. Why she keeps on coming back just to leave me in the lurch every time?

Hi GD39,

I sure know what it's like to feel alone in a relationship. That's happened to me more than once I must say. And I have asked that question too, "Is this person I'm with 'evil'?" That's a hard place to be!

You say you want help staying away from her? Do you have an idea for that? If I was in your shoes, and I wish I'd had this site years ago when needing help to get out previous relationships, I might think about coming here to post instead of picking up the phone - you mention you don't want to take her calls. Is that one of your ideas on this?

Want to brainstorm other ideas to hold to what it is you want to do if you can help it? I know it's not easy. I remember once telling a roommate not to let me go outside if a certain someone ever called me again. :)  It's okay to be confused and torn up over this stuff... .we understand!

with compassion, pearl.

Hi GD39,

Let me join pearlsw in welcoming you. 

How are you feeling right now since the last time you've posted here?
I'm sorry that your situation must feel very confusing, especially the "engagement and disengagement", or "push" and "pull" and the sudden "hot" and "coldness" of how she is responding toward you. So you'd would probably know, that you're probably dealing with an individual who is more "telling" on how she is behaving, rather than the words she is saying.

I'm sorry that you're hurting and you've been feeling so drained from this relationship to the point you dread her reaching out to you. You're frustrated and all, and it seems like this person has become "someone else" suddenly. So back to your comment on wanting changes to happen? What are these changes you would like to see happening?
 

Well, GD39, this is actually the poor coping mechanism she has. I suppose for her, she sees you as a "source" of supply and regardless the engagement, it is still fundamentally a source of attention supply for her. It is mentioned mostly as the "I hate you, don't leave me" type of behaviour. Individuals on the receiving end of this will be pushed and discarded, only for the perpetrator to repeat the cycle again.

So how would like to be helped, GD39? Let us know.

Yours,
Spero.

Hey GD39, The question in my mind is why you continue to participate in the r/s?  Presumably you have your reasons.  If so, what are they?  It's your move, GD, not hers.

LuckyJim

If I may throw in my two cents.

I found myself swept away in a whirlwind love affair which blinded me to its dysfunction.  I over looked terrible behavior on her part -because I thought I had found fairytale love.  I thought if I loved her enough I could give her a safe place to heal -this notion was misguided. --I am a 'nice guy' codependent.

She did not ever seem to have malicious intent. Simply put, she had no control over her emotional state.  The net result was a relationship which would have done me inestimable harm had I allowed it to continue. 

A friend of mine sent me a quote which I now keep in the forefront of my mind. 

“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”

― Maya Angelou

My ex fiancé did, in fact tell, me directly "You must leave me -I will destroy you"  It took another 6 months and an engagement for me to realize her words were heartfelt and perhaps an expression of true love on her part. She loved me enough to issue me that warning. 

I did leave her, or more accurately agreed with her when she broke things off with me after a 7 day rage.  --It was the most difficult thing I have ever done, but I believe the path I had started down would have ended life as I know it.

Reading about other people's experiences here on BPD Family has really helped my in my resolve to stay 'No contact', to help me understand my feelings and put the experiences in perspective.



Wicker Man

Pearl

You say you want help staying away from her? Do you have an idea for that? If I was in your shoes, and I wish I'd had this site years ago when needing help to get out previous relationships, I might think about coming here to post instead of picking up the phone - you mention you don't want to take her calls. Is that one of your ideas on this?
I have no particular ideas since I am depressed. Most of my off time I just watch TV. I will take into heart what you mentioned about posting here. I have had the urge to call every so often, but not much. I am so tired that trying to talk to her is sort of not in my list. I feel like is just another ride on the merry go around. Nothing is solved.

Spero

How are you feeling right now since the last time you've posted here?
Sad, lost, deserted.

I'm sorry that your situation must feel very confusing, especially the "engagement and disengagement", or "push" and "pull" and the sudden "hot" and "coldness" of how she is responding toward you. So you'd would probably know, that you're probably dealing with an individual who is more "telling" on how she is behaving, rather than the words she is saying.
Could you please clarify this for me a bit?

I'm sorry that you're hurting and you've been feeling so drained from this relationship to the point you dread her reaching out to you. You're frustrated and all, and it seems like this person has become "someone else" suddenly. So back to your comment on wanting changes to happen? What are these changes you would like to see happening?
On her? Mostly to follow through in what she says. I appears I cant believe a single promise she puts out. And no, she didnt become someone else suddenly. She has been the same conniving bxxch. I have felt used, but kept on thinking it was the BPD, and it was a matter of time if I kept applying the tools that the one I enjoy would come out more. That hasnt happened.

She actually once told me all she cares about people is what she can get out of them. How can anyone tell me this is just the BPD? It has to be more than that. It sounds like pure evil. Why she keeps on coming back just to leave me in the lurch every time?

Well, GD39, this is actually the poor coping mechanism she has. I suppose for her, she sees you as a "source" of supply and regardless the engagement, it is still fundamentally a source of attention supply for her. It is mentioned mostly as the "I hate you, don't leave me" type of behaviour. Individuals on the receiving end of this will be pushed and discarded, only for the perpetrator to repeat the cycle again.
So supply. So I should expect for her that whenever she shows up is that she wants something? Because that is why I was so cautious this time around.

So how would like to be helped, GD39? 

Just trying it to keep real. I do lover her, I always hold on to that ray of hope, if she contacts again, how to handle it... .I guess.

Lucky jim
The question in my mind is why you continue to participate in the r/s? Presumably you have your reasons.  If so, what are they?  It's your move, GD, not hers.
 Holding on to hope. She is fun and we have great times every so often. But it appears is less all the time, even though the last couple of times she kept on stating she wanted to take steps to make this works. That is until life sets up any kind of other issue, and that becomes priority, and I take the back burner... .AGAIN.


I found myself swept away in a whirlwind love affair which blinded me to its dysfunction. I knew from about four months in what I was dealing with.
I over looked terrible behavior on her part -because I thought I had found fairyI thought if I loved her enough I could give her a safe place to heal -this notion was misguided. --I am a 'nice guy' codependent.
I hear you on all accounts.

She did not ever seem to have malicious intent. Simply put, she had no control over her emotional state. The net result was a relationship which would have done me inestimable harm had I allowed it to continue.
I am not too sure if there is maliciousness, but it appears that way. It appeared to be that most of the time money was a big issue. As for leaving, she kept on doing that. Once I agreed, that is when she started to come back more often.

One question for you WM. You write that reading others stories kept your resolve. Did she tried to engage you again after the break up?

Borrowing from philosophy a bit, its what sprung to mind from your initial post I think something Seneca debated is the confusion of why people react emotionally the same way to situations that repeat themselves. For example, being stuck in a traffic jam each morning whilst trying to get to work, it happens so often to the point it should just be expected, what use is it to get angry each time and berate other drivers? I feel the same about what your saying about how she consistently lets you down, yet you get upset about it each time. The next time she makes arrangements, rather than get your hopes up and believe she will follow through, how about think from the past experience that theres a high chance she wont, and there is little point in getting upset if this is the case. Then you can be pleasantly surprised if she does. above all that, if someone is that unreliable, it is a judgement call about reconfiguring her away from being so central in your focus, have her in the periphery instead.

ive re-established contact with my ex but for me that link is tenuous and i dont expect anything from it. its a far cry away from the time where she was the absolute central focus and my life revolved entirely around her. Once she had it (and she demanded it) she started to act up much the same way you describe. I feel like my ex was more interested in the "chase" and once she had what she wanted, it becomes too engulfing. Your showing yourself to be there and reliable, she will take that for granted. Maybe make yourself more unavailable and play her at her own tactics?

Thank you all for your replies. I guess all I need for know is a dose of reality check and you guys have done that.

Cromwell, you have left me with a lot to chew on. It is always nice to not only have the philosophy, but a real life example to make it evident. I talked to my T yesterday about this, and since she knows her, agreed that, yes, most likely she will come around again; yes, I am not the same person that started the T, and she believe I am getting better of defining my boundaries which I didn't have; yes, she will come around when she needs something.

On a serendipity, I had a back muscle spasm and went to a pain clinic yesterday. One of the shots was an anti-anxiety medication. It appears that is the kick on the pants I needed. I have been energetic and taking care of business since. I will discuss with the T next week a psychiatric referral to look into it. That was the thing that has been disturbing the most about myself. Ever since this last debacle has been going on I have become a couch potato. Work, hit the couch, watch TV until falling asleep. I was believing it was depression, but it appears to be the amount of anxiety she brings to my life that just burnt my mental reserve. If she comes around again, I think Ill do as Cromwell suggested, keep her in the periphery. Now, is easier said than done, but again, nothing to ponder about right now since I dont know if she will be back. Hopefully if she does, Ill be better prepared.

Regards to all. Ill keep on updating. Thanks for being there. It has made a difference.

I am yet so full of anger, that I couldn't read all of the posts fully without reacting. All I can say is that I wish there were not so many places that gives a PC spin to BPD. DAMN it to hell, that I knew I was abused! Damn it to hell, that I gave more that anyone in their full senses should have given. Why? Because I was influenced to believe by those sites, tools, books, that stated there was a chance. THERE ISNT! Retrospective is 20/20. I wish that I had taken heed to all those places that state categorically RUN, RUN FAST and HARD from anyone that has BPD. Yes, I learned a lot... .to be suspicious as hell from anyone that shows too much of an interest on me. I knew many of the things that were going on while I was in the relationship, but I overlooked them, because it was "part of the disorder." It took a recent conversation with her mother to realize how bad I was taken in as a fool. At this point I am at the anger component of lost... .more than anger... .rage... at her, and at me for taking it. SHE IS A MONSTER... .PLAIN AND SIMPLE. 

--GD39
In my opinion you will find a very balanced view here on BPD Family.  I have found this sight to be invaluable in trying to find some insight and closure from my failed relationship with an undiagnosed partner.  Closure cannot come from her, so I have to create my own.

Was I hurt?  Hell yes I was, but I was hurt by someone with no control over her emotional state.  I am left both with a feeling of loss and enormous pity for her.  As a child she suffered abuse I can barely fathom and this crushing pain has left her with the inability to stay in a loving relationship. 

Why did I give so much?  It is simple --I loved the beautiful part of her, and I had the misguided hope my love would give her a safe place to heal.  I failed.  My pride and a good bit of self deception kept me in the relationship longer than I should have been.   I did the best I could at the time. 

Sometimes I wish I could feel this way.  I still don't feel any anger toward my ex.  I feel like it would be being mad at a cat for being a cat.  BPD has consumed my ex and she is an emotional leaf blowing in the wind.  I feel in my heart no matter how much ending this relationship hurt me she is in far more pain. 

I cannot imagine the utter darkness of her world -I have never experienced dysphoria.  I have never had to cut myself to make the world real again.  I have never heard voices or seen hallucinations.  I have never had days spent non-responsive weeping silently.  I have never had the compulsion to put myself into dangerous situations where I might have been raped.  I have never felt compelled to sleep with someone and then afterward know it was wrong and damaging to the one I loved -crushing guilt.

I am a codependent people pleaser, and as (perhaps) a positive part part of this trait I have a lot of empathy for her.  She is a fellow human being, not just a disorder.  There is a lovely person inside of her, but sadly there is also incredible darkness.   

My watch is done, it is time for me to heal and get on with my life -but I will always have a sense of pity and compassion for her.  At the end of the day I did love her deeply -it was, however, a love which would have destroyed me.


Wicker Man

Where is she? Are you in the same town or still long distance?

According to her mom, It just happens that she is living closer than the town she said she moved into. She moved with another guy. While she was with me, she was seeing FIVE other men. She became an escort and took her underage sister with her to get her into the business. Family is going at it in court. I contacted her one more time just to see what she would come up with, and I didnt let her know what I knew. True to form, she lied, and blamed me for all of it. My compassion ended there.

Well guys... .needing your help here. Yes, I am all over the place. Today she contacted me again. It is so disturbing that she leaves, and then shows up ever so frequently. I wish I could read her mind. It makes me wonder. Truth of the matter I want to reply, but I know I should not. It is so disturbing that I love her that much, and yet, after reading oh so many stories, that I cant let her back into my life for nothing. Saddest part of all is that it appears the universe is playing a cruel joke. The ex prior to this relationship has shown up as well out of the blues, stating she is sorry for how things transpired, and would like for me to visit her. Add to it, after going through the BPD hell, it appear that all the techniques I learned to deal with her has made me more attractive. I have a couple of ladies wanting to know me better with the hope of developing a relationship. My response? I cant trust any of them, I am always looking for characteristics that might indicate that they would do something similar to what my BPD girl did, and worst, it makes me long for her even more. How so? What the hell is wrong with me? I went through all this abuse, and I loved her more than anyone else. I still want to hope, but I have to accept the reality that her disorder is part of her, and I am not able to live with it. I could only sustain it if there was any hope for change, but I have to accept that possibility is slim to none. Thanks again for being around guys. I feel a bit better know after writing this. From the moment I received her text, until this particular second, I was feeling like I was going to explode inside. Honestly, I feel so pathetic and full of anxiety. I know only you guys could understand this storm. Please, input!

GD39, I recommend you date these other ones and after awhile, see how much, if at all, you miss her when you are with them. The concerns are just a partial sort of defence mechanism after what you have been through, to protect yourself from it happening again. Its a bit like when I was in a severe crash, it took me a couple of months to feel safe in a car again, having that experience that could have easily been fatal.

yet statistically, the roads were more or less the same in that time gap I never drove. I think its being overly cautious.

GD39, If I may, I would suggest you consider seeing a therapist.  Mine has given me some clarity and solace -it was my brush with a BPD relationship which convinced me to enter therapy.

As hard as it is to resist the temptation, I would consider finding some inner peace before entertaining the idea of starting another relationship.

Earlier in this thread you were railing against people who have even the remotest compassion for those suffering from BPD -yet now you are wondering if you should reconcile your relationship with her. 

You are not pathetic, but I would agree you are full of anxiety.  I remember the sleepless nights and the feelings of despair -in these moments of confusion and darkness it is impossible to make important decisions. 

"Understand the storm"?  Intimately... .  My life had become a maelstrom.  Even now after 140 days of no contact I know intellectually I have done the right thing, but emotionally accepting the loss? --That is where my therapist comes in.


Try to get some exercise, go out take a walk.  Take a breath and don't make any decisions until you figure out what you really want and what would be best for you in the long run.



Wicker Man

Thanks Cromwell. That makes a lot of sense.

GD39

Good for you!  It sounds like you are doing all the right things. 

I see my therapist tomorrow and yep... .We will still likely be talking in part of a relationship which ended nearly 6 months ago. (ugh).

You are fortunate she has made things easier for you to detach.  You should, in my opinion, be proud of yourself for seeing her post for what it was -rude and desperate. 

You had the presence mind and the sense of self to not be hurt and drawn back in by her deviant behavior.  Yay you!


Wicker Man

Thank you Wicker Man. I really needed that pat on the back. My T is working a lot with me on that. She states that I do not give myself credit enough. That was part of what kept me in the BPD dynamic. I guess that is what happens to many of us around here.

Therapy, introspection and healing is incredibly difficult.  By the end of every therapy session my shirt is damp from the effort.  Who would have guessed sitting on a comfortable couch in an air conditioned room could be such hard work!

Doing what is right for ourselves is not an easy task, but day by day things seem to be getting better.

It sounds like you have a good therapist -I am very thankful for the insight and support I have gained from mine.


Wicker Man