BPDFamily.com

I'm new and not sure where to start. I have been on & off with my boyfriend for 13 yrs. I have been researching the last 2 months since our breakup. He has 7 of the 9  BPD traits. We talked a couple nights ago at his request as friends, not as if we are still in the relationship. He was very open and honest about his feelings. I used what I have learned thru research to get him to express his feelings. He knows there is something wrong with him. I did gently push him toward looking at BPD. I know it is in my best interest to not be around him right now. I know I need to work on my issues, which I believe are codependency, as my father was abusive. I still need to have contact with him as we are still working thru financial issues.
The talk we had I believe helped him to recognize the way he related to issues in our relationship. And I am learning also my responsibility in the break of the relationship. I explained to him how he had another woman in line due to the fact he had been sabotaging our relationship. He admitted to me they had sex after he moved out  but she doesn't want a relationship. Then asked if I was having sex with others, which I have not. He talked abut having casual sex with me & others. We are 50 yrs old.  I told him I would not have casual sex with him or anyone. I want a life partner not just sex. We talked rationally, no arguing or blaming. In the end I felt he was going to continue having casual sex. The next morning he send a good morning text and asked how I was feeling. I said I was ok. I said it is what it is. Thanks for the closure last night and I'll see you Saturday, as he is coming to get  more of his stuff. He now says he doesn't want casual sex and wants what I want, a life partner. We never did date when we first met. Just talked for a few weeks and went into a relationship. He said it not about sex anymore. He wants to date. Says now that he has learned more about his issues he wants to work on them and maybe things would be different.
I've dealt with so much pain but know I've also caused him much pain.
I don't know why I'm writing. I know what I need to do but its so hard to let go.

Hi eightball,

When you say “you know what you need to do” what do you mean exactly? I get the sense you mean leave, but I just wanted to be sure.

I can imagine how hard it is when you want one kind of a relationship and the other person is in another space about such things. Do you think he really might have an interest in what you want? Or does he change his mind a lot? What do you think is going on with him about this?

What would make you feel the best in terms of how you want to focus your life?

with compassion, pearl.

HI pearl I think I need to be out of the relationship. I can't stop obsessing over this. I'm constantly reading about personality disorders trying to figure out what went wrong. I was extremely emotional today & it's affecting my work. I do believe he wants to be with me but he blames me for things that are not my fault. It's like I have taken on his traits from being with him for so long. I react terribly to the verbal abuse. I say things back to him that are so mean.It was not like this with my ex husband. We parted without issues and had respect for each other.

I feel like if I knew what his issues were sooner we could have worked thru this.   Or is this just part of trauma bonding. I'm just so unsure. When I kicked him out I was dealing with it ok at first b/c I was so angry. Now I'm grieving and Im struggling.

I talked to him today after I basically emotionally broke down. I have not ever felt this way. I cried all day.

It's hard as he has 2 daughters. One I'm close to. Her partner is abusive & cheated on her while she was 8 months pregnant. She knows her dad (my xBPD) has a personality disorder. She has told me I deserve better. We lean on each other for support.

Its just all so confusing. His rages are terrible. He doesn't break things like he used to but he's says terrible things to me. Then 15 min later hes apologizing & crying.

This is the 3rd time we have split up. I can't seem to be apart longer than 2 -3 months then we reconcile & try again.

I think since he has failed in all his relationships ( married twice before me) is why he was thinking about just having casual sex. He told me today my house was never our house. And I have told him several times in arguments that he needed to move out b/c I was fed up with the name calling during arguments.  I would then tell him i didnt want him to leave Now I know this just pushed him to feel worse about himself. And as I write this I feel like I have BPD. It's so confusing

Hi eightball, lets me join pearlsw in welcoming you. I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling with the direction your relationship with this person has taken.

I'd like to address a different part of your post than pearl for now, you description of codependency. I am struggling with this myself right now, also do to a parent's abuse (verbal and emotional in my case).

How did your codependency manifest itself in this relationship, and how do you feel is it still effecting you? What BPD traits did he show most clearly and how did they interact with your codependent behavior?

~ROE

Hi ROE,  the BPD traits I see are abandonment issues, which he has admitted to, he said he feels lonely in his head which I think means he feels empty, mood swings-he will get extremely upset & yell then apologize 15 min later, self harm-he has hit walls, hit himself in the head with a frying pan just a couple things of many, threatened suicide during a breakup, raging temper, thinks I'm seeing other people - would that be paranoia?,  unstable relationships- he was physically abusive to his 1st wife, not sure if he,was physical with his 2nd wife but was verbally & emotionally abusive to her, he did get physical with me but I stood up & put him in jail for assault and he has stopped being physical, but is very verbally abusive when upset. He is very controlling.
The codependency, I buy him things to try to make him happy & to try to make him feel loved hoping he will love me the way I need to feel loved. I keep trying to fix him, I don't stick to boundaries with him at all as I keep returning to this abusive relationship. When he asks for things he can't afford himself I buy them for him. Then I feel used b/c I'm not getting the love I need as he is emotionally unavailable. I feel he has taken advantage of me financially & I use this to try to control him, control his behavior, as I pay all the bills. I feel reponsible for his welfare & his actions. I try to fix his feelings.
This relationship is unhealthy for me but I keep going back to him. I don't focus on what I need right now as I'm too focused on trying to fix him.
At times I'm not sure if it's codependency or the trauma bond that keeps me in this relationship. I

In the beginning he hid the fact he was married. We had talked for a week then he  told her he had a new gf. She moved out.  I did not know he was married for the first 3 months we were together. He love bombed so much that when I found out he was married I was already so hooked on him it didn't matter to me. He wanted to,move in with me after 4 months but i siad no. Then when he would rage I would ask him to leave,go back to his home. Then he would call his ex & hang out with her. This back & forth went on quite often. I would get mad but then think I had to try harder to make it work.  When we split in 2008, 2 days after I asked him to leave he was back to living with her, which is 2 yrs after their divorce. He did not tell me he was staying at her place. I was feeling bad sbout kicking him out & asked to go to his ball game with him a week later. While there, she confronted me & told me he was staying with her - that hurt me tremendously, but 5 months later i let him come back home. home. He has done some terrible things but I keep,letting him come back.

I take the blame for his behavior. Like if I would have loved him better he wouldn't triangulate me with other women. If I understood him better he wouldn't do some of the things he's done. I feel like I give and give to him and his kids but don't get much in return. He was doing cocaine when we met so I blamed his behavior on that. He gets extremely flirty when he drinks which also caused problems. He did quit drinking, as he only,has a couple & quits. But even when sober he is flirtatious as he needs the attention.

This last breakup was in part due to many factors. We were working on a large project at home. His brother in law committed suicide in Sept, his pregnant daughter & son moved in with us in Oct. His other daughter was in a car accident in Oct. His grandson was born in Nov with a lot of health issues. His father died in Dec. We didn't communicate well as we both think we are right. I felt his daughter was disrespecting our home as she didn't help out much & didn't pick up after herself. I was having a hard time with them living here. I felt like an outsider in our home. This I think was due to the lack of connection I felt with him. No intimacy. I did not feel emotionally connected to him. It was like we were roommates before the kids moved in. Then he was showing affection to them and I became hurt & resentful as he had not shown me affection for some time. I had asked him to show,me,affection but he just wouldnt.  In the middle of this chaos he tells me he has been talking & texting with a woman he used to work with & hiding it from me for months. And during this time he was accusing me of seeing someone else, which I was not. The arguing escalated until mid Jan. We got in a huge,argument. His daughter left. He left & went to sta in an empty apt where he works. We made up 2 days later.  He continued talking to this woman. I invaded his privacy & looked on his phone. He had been playing the victim. Just telling her his side of things. I confronted him. Told him if he wanted an honest opinion from a friend he should tell the whole truth, not make me a villian. He said he,would stop talking to her. I was suspicious & put spyware on his phone. Found out he was talking to another woman too. I don't have a problem with him having female friends. I do have a problem with him hiding it. He blamed me said he hid it cuz I'm too jealous. We both play pool,on the,same night at different bars. The last straw was the woman he,said he,would quit talking to texted him before we left for pool asking if she could come see him. He did not tell me, borrowed money from me before we left the house cuz he knew she was coming & needed extra money to buy drinks. When I checked the spyware the next day I saw they were texting & talked on the phone for 20 min before she went to see him that night. I got upset and kicked him out. And 2 months later I want him back again.

I talked to xBPDbf last night. Since I emotionally broke down yesterday he is acting differently. He was saying that if I didn't want to know things I should not have put the spyware on his phone. I feel he shouldn't have given me reasons not to trust him. He told me the one woman friend always told him he was handsome among other things that stroked his ego. I don't get that. I say nice things to my male friends but I don't continually tell them they are handsome. I feel like she has issues too.

I went to the dr yesterday. I have not slept more than 4 hrs a night since we split. I was having serious anxiety issues. The dr gave me a script for the anxiety. I am feeling a little better today. He also gave me a script for sleep a sleep aid but it didn't help much last night.

I am struggling with how I have reacted during the break up. I feel like I have been doing the smearing as I have talked to my gf's about all of this. But I needed support. I needed to know I was not wrong. I told him in text to move out b/c I knew if we were face to face he would rage about the spyware and convince me it was my fault.

This is a conflict of values.  He's hiding, you're spying (I don't blame you for feeling the need to, as I did it a little myself though my ex never knew). Is this an impasse? What are your thoughts going forward given that you both stepped on each other's boundaries? Most importantly, do you feel safe?

Thank you Turkish for your response. I do feel safe. It's been 2 months and he has adjusted. He doesn't understand why I just kicked him out but at that time I just couldn't take it anymore. My feelings on reconciliation? I contacted a BPD therapist for myself put there's a 6 wk wait list. They gave me another  number I need to call today. We do love each other. And my codependent issues did not help this relationship.
He wants to change. Said now that he knows some of his issues he could work on them & maybe things are different. If he went to counseling I would probably give it another try. I have learned alot about BPD & now understand why he did some of the things he did. We both have,weak boundaries. I've lost my mom,dad & grandparents all within the last 8 yrs. Having to take care of 3 of them put alot of stress on our relationship.  As well as the loss of his brother in law & his father last year. We stopped taking care of each other & our relationship.

Do you have any insight on reconciling with someone with  uBPD? This is the 3rd time we have been thru this moving out cycle.

I'm just wondering if anyone has actually stayed friends with their UBPD?  Or if they do seek treatment is it possible to reconcile a relationship?

I honestly don't think I can stay friends.  We were FWB for a couple years after a breakup. But he still wanted to know most everything I was doing. If I went to a friends for the weekend he would get upset if I didn't answer a text. During this time I wasn't honest with him. I wanted to be a couple again but felt if I let him put the "gf" label on it he would get too controlling again. So, he starting seeing someone else. That HURT. 3 months later he was back at my door. 2 months after that we were back together.  Now I'm going thru all this hurt again.

Hi eightball,

I am so sorry to hear you are struggling with your emotional attachment to a r/s which has been so chaotic. I understand what it is like to recognize the signs that a person you love and care for has some deep seated issues that are complex and bewildering. I had to separate from my uBPDh last fall after his drug use, paranoia and physical abuse got to be too dangerous for me to continue to stay- especially with our son, who is two. l

I tried to leave several times before but I always returned because I did not want to give up on him and I wanted to believe that he wanted to change and would sincerely try to do so. I did not recognize the magnitude of his issues until recently. Trying to hang in there and hope that eventually I could guide him into treatment and recovery cost me dearly, in the form of r/s which have been permanently altered. I lost custody of my older children and though I tried for years to get them back, uBPDh's behavior inevitably derailed any progress we made and my sister ended up getting guardianship of them. Five years have gone by since I had custody of all my kids. I am still planning to work towards eventually getting custody or possibly shared custody with her, but it will be an uphill battle because to the court system it looks like I held on to a destructive man when I should have been "doing what is right" for my kids. The court system has a very black and white view on what that means.

I also wasted a lot of time "putting out fires" that uBPDh started when I could have been spending more time with my aging parents. When I wasn't trying to deal with an immediate crisis involving uBPDh, I was experiencing so much anxiety from the verbal, emotional and sometimes physical abuse that I could not be the daughter to my parents that I wanted to be. My father passed in 2014; my mother passed recently on April 30. Since her death I have changed my perspective considerably about what I will and will not put up with and what I will and will not allow to control me or affect my decisions.

I still have contact with uBPDh. He is currently in jail serving a year long sentence for domestic assault. I hope that he does seek treatment, but I have come to understand it is not my responsibility to see that he does. Like you I researched obsessively trying to figure out exactly what was "wrong with him" because I still felt like it I was the only person in the world who could "save him."

That kind of thinking nearly killed me, and it endangered my son. It cost me time with my family. It ruined my own mental and emotional state. And it is hard to break free, but little by little I am learning how, and I am starting to feel stronger.

There are a few books that have helped me immensely. For understanding BPD and how to deal with pwBPD, the best ones recommended here are "Stop Walking On Eggshells" and "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me". Another book that I found to be tremendous in helping me put my r/s in perspective is Lundy Bancroft's "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" It basically breaks down the differences in a healthy vs. unhealthy r/s, analyzes the four main issues that categorize destructive r/s and helps you do some soul searching to make your own choice and set your own goals for yourself going forward- whether you decide to stay or go.

I hope you will continue to stick around and post, read the lessons here and remember that you are not alone. Lots of us have been exactly where you are. And you are not crazy. I know it is easy to start questioning your own sanity after dealing with verbal, mental, emotional or physical abuse. Don't be too hard on yourself for any of your reactions during such a stressful and confusing r/s. Hindsight is 20/20.

Best of luck to you, and please keep us updated. We are here to support you.

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed

not sure how to insert a quote but Pearl asked-Do you think he really might have an interest in what you want? Or does he change his mind a lot?

I do believe my uBPDx  does really want to be with me. Saturday he said he would love to just come back home as if nothing had happened but doesn't think it would work as we have said some pretty mean & hurtful things to each other for a long time. But I believe right now he is trying to push me away b/c he knows he is hurting me and I'm confused. And I do believe he was faithful in the sense he didn't have sex with anyone until he moved out. But of course he was setting up the replacement - which didn't work out for him.

 He came out to get the rest of his outside belongings this weekend. We have been having some pretty honest discussions. He showed me a couple things I needed to do in the yard now that he isn't there to do them. We worked together to go thru the rest of the things, take some items to the dump and some items to his storage unit. Saturday he talked about how he thinks he's a sex addict. He asked me if it was wrong for him to want to see women naked. I wasn't sure how to answer that. I said if it is someone he is interested in then no I didn't think it was wrong to feel that way.  He pressured me for sex but I did not give in. Major milestone for me as I gave in a month ago. When I gave in a month ago, he was so excited like a child. Said he never thought he would be doing this again. I spent the night with him. The next morning we were laying in bed talking. I mentioned to him about his patterns of self sabotaging relationships with his exes and myself. He rolled over, was quiet for a minute, then replied go f*#* your boss. I didn't reply. I got up, got dressed and was leaving. He got up, stood in front of me trying to block me from leaving. Said you're just going to leave it like that? I said if you don't get that under control you will continue to have issues in all your future relationships and left. He called, said I forgot to take some things with me. I had bought a shower curtain & a couple other things for his new apt as it was his first night there. Those things are what he said he didn't want & I needed to come back to get them. I told him I would not come back & consider them a house warming gift.

 The attraction is so strong for both of us. He said it is the first thing he thinks about when he comes to the house. And I hate to admit it but I do too.  I told him I have set a date for counseling and it is set up for family counseling so he can go too if he wants. He hugged me hard, kissed me on the forehead but didn't say anything.

He came back out Sunday to get his old truck. We had to wait a couple hours for his brother to help. His attitude was different. He had been out partying til 5:30 am with his neighbors in the apt complex. Only had 4 hrs of sleep and took a narco to relieve his headache. He doesn't normally drink much at all. He started nickpicking the work I have had done by others on the project we started and other things my guy friend & his boss have worked on for me. Said my guy friend wants to be with me - which he does not. I told him its not like that. My friend was coming around when we were split up a few years ago. He has a gf. He just stops in, we have a couple beers and BS since we used to work together. There has never been anything sexual in this friend relationship. The guy friend quit coming around after my uBPDx moved back in  b/c he  didn't make him feel welcome - although they have known each other for longer than I've known both of them. So I messed up in not validating his concerns. I defended myself & my friend. Things did not escalate though. But I felt he was trying to make it all my fault yesterday.

He has asked what I think is his issues.I have told him that I believe he has 7 of 9 traits of BPD. His daughter & her kids live with him now. She got him to start watching "Shameless". She has been trying to work with him too. She asked him which character he associated with & he said Fiona. I researched online and she supposedly has a chaotic personality - which is BPD right? His daughter told him he is just like Fiona. 

Right now I'm not sure what to do. I know I need space to work on myself, but I am afraid to totally go NC for fear of losing him. I'm not going to push counseling on him, it has to be his choice. I did tell his daughter she is also welcome to come after I do a few sessions by myself. She does want to go. I don't think the heart grows fonder with BPD's. He did not attempt to talk me into sex Sunday. He said he is working on not thinking about sex when around women. So he is trying to change his behaviors.
 

Thank you Redeemed for your response. I'm sorry for all you have endured with your ex. We do tend to concentrate on them so much and lose sight of everything else that is part of life.

 My ex & I  did have a lot of good times together. It is so hard to let go. I will still need to have contact to finish the financial entanglement.  Thank you for recommending the books. I will be purchasing a couple today. Hoping the more I educate myself the easier my decision will be to stay with him and work on this or to completely let go. Especially since I cannot get into therapy for 6 weeks!

Why is there so much drama? My uxBPDbf''s daughter brought her kids over to spend time with me last night. She is getting along ok with her ex. He has,been diagnosed bipolar so her situation is quite similar to mine as both the men sought other women.
She is having a hard time staying with her dad. He has her walking  on egg shells. I try to help her thru this as I know what she is going thru. Her mom is going thru chemo so she has her own issues. And frankly, she considers me more of a mom anyway.
So things blew up last night. Her son wants me to come to his Tball games. She asked her dad if his new "friend" was going to be there. He blew up,at her. Told her she's telling me too much but honestly she's not telling me anything more than he has. I know he's seeing this other woman. He says they are just friends now but who knows. But the daughter does not want to put me in the position to be around her.
And yesterday he called. Things were friendly but then he started talking about having an orge with me & some women at the apt complex. Says just give them drugs & they,will join. MAJOR boundary issue.
So I got caught up in the drama between them. I calmed the situation  down. But was upset. I told him to not talk to me about his sex issues anymore and he needed to stop calling me. I wasnt good enough to stop him from chasing women so his new friend can deal with his drama.
But of course now I feel guilty for pushing him away. I know he will not seek counseling b/c he cannot afford it. Why is it so important to me that I have considered paying for family counseling just to see if he would go?

Hi eightball,

It is definitely important to get support after a breakup. Do you feel you have you "smeared" him to your friends? Does that affect him in any way or just you?  If you feel justified and he feels invaded by the spyware I don't see you coming to terms on that point. Is there more to sort out about it?

I noticed you are here on Bettering or Reversing a Breakup Board... .but you say you want to end this, other times you seem uncertain. Do you think that the Conflicted or Detaching boards might be a better place for you?

Is the plan for him to move out or you are still discussing what you both want to do?

take care, pearl.

Good morning pearl,
He has moved out. And yes I do believe I should prob be on a different board but not sure if I'm ready to detach.
He keeps sending mixed messages. He says,he,wants to,be friends but then says if he loses his job (new discovery last night) that he'll be at my door. Well I told him he chose to seek another woman so he should be knocking on her door not mine. Tells me he loves me. Wants me to deal with his drama with his daughter but sees another woman. I don't think the other woman knows,he talks to me. His daughter said he does not let her be alone with the other woman.
I'm not sure how to handle this.

The daughter  confided some things to me today concerning my uxBPDbf that are pretty concerning. She & her 2 boys, 5 & 6mo., stay with him. He is sleeping on the couch naked when they are there, just covered with a blanket. She is concerned about this. He also sleeps with his 5 yr old grandson like that she said.

The daughter has nowhere to go but her exes parents house which puts her in a bad spot too. She would like to stay with me but then that is going to cause more drama with my uxBPDbf.
Need some sdvice. The daughters ex is talking about getting a ppo b/c he's worried about the kids in that environment.
We had 13 yrs as a family. How can I turn her away?

Hi eightball, just wanted to check in how are things recently?

~ROE

Hi ROE, I have started counseling. I've only went twice so not a ton of progress yet but working on it.

My uBPDxbf & I spent a lot of time together in the past week. My "replacement", which he said they were "just friends", not in a relationship, but had sex, told him she was going to start seeing someone, so now he is looking to me to fill the void again.  He has yet to look for a T.

Spending time with him has helped the anxiety & sleep issues I was having but he is now getting possessive again. He feels my friends are trying to keep me away from him, and he's right in the fact they don't want me to go back to the relationship. They are ok with he & I just being friends. He is jealous of the time I spend with my friends. My support system, my best girlfriends, I will not let him pull me away from them. But I will not let them make this decision for me.

He & I are made an agreement to be friends for a bit & go from there, but he pushes for sex almost every time we are together. Like a child asking for candy.

He called at lunch time yesterday and was irritated due to a bill he will have to pay, but it should actually be pd by his daughter. He wanted to come to my house after work so I could look at it for him last night but I had already made plans with friends. Tried to make me feel guilty about it. I told him I'm not going to just sit home waiting for him to decide when he wants to spend time with me. I stayed calm, didn't play into the argument. He actually told me what he was thinking - that I was his and only his and no one else should have my attention.

He also said I'm too busy for him. Well, I now have to take care of a 3 acre yard and the house, everything by myself with the help of friends when they can. And trying to complete the project we started in the back yard. Yes, I'm busy as hell.

He apologized a little later in the afternoon. We already had plans to go to tball for grandson today, so we will go over the bill this afternoon.

He tried to call 4 times & sent 5 texts in a 1.5 hr time frame last night while I was with my girl friends. We were at my house planting flowers and having dinner. I'm not glued to my phone so I didn't see the messages until after the ladies left. One of the messages said it feels like he's not even alive when I'm with my friends cuz I don't answer him. Next message "must be some good fking tacos".  Next one "Guess I'm not important enough to answer me when you're with you're friends"

 Sunday he was over, we watched a ball game, cooked out, then watched a movie later and had a good evening. I told him I was feeling anxious as it would be so easy to just go back to being together.  He said yes but better. Won't be better if he doesn't see a T.  I'm trying to be understanding but its really hard. I'm getting tired of having to be his only friend. Tired of feeling guilty for no reason. Days like this I just want to throw in the towel and move on.

I think tonight I'm going to tell him we cannot spend so much time together. I need to concentrate on me, getting myself back. The person I used to be. This feeling of being in limbo, not knowing what to do, just sucks. Feeling guilty for letting him back in as I'm still undecided as to whether or not I really want to reconcile.
 

HI eightball and thank you for the update.


Good for you! Regardless of any relationship status, putting self care first is vital to moving things forward. He sounds like he's in a state of near-absolute dependence on you. Taking steps to alter that dynamic by setting clear boundaries will help both you and him whether you decide to reconcile or not. I'm sure your T (therapist) can help you on this part.

Besides saying no to helping him with the bills when you made plans (awesome work, btw), what are some other boundaries you think you can begin setting in the relationship?

~ROE

Hi ROE and thank you for responding. Hope all is well with you.

We did have a good talk and a good evening last night. He told me he is still holding on to things I did in the past. I sometimes drink too much. Not in that I drink daily, but on Wed nights at pool I was drinking too much.  His issue with this is that 12 yrs ago I was unfaithful due to drinking. I do flirt a lot when I've had too much to drink.  He says I use the alcohol as an excuse. It's not an excuse, I realize it is wrong, but I do not flirt when I'm sober. It is a problem I recognize but didn't do anything to change it. I get with friends, we're having a good time and I don't stay within my limits of alcohol intake. Therefore, he didn't think he was important enough for me to change.

My issue is he flirts a lot when he is sober. He has made comments about having sex with my friends. Making comments about another woman's ass repeatedly when she's bent over to shoot pool. Says hes just joking but when he says it repeatedly its just disrespectful. He did finally quit making the comments but I still felt disrespected by all of it. Why do I have to tell him these things he says are inappropriate?

He sent a text yesterday before we met that said Can I just come home. I told him trust is very hard to get back. He says he will do whatever it takes to be with me. I know he feels he means it but what if it happens again? I told him I would rather be alone the rest of my life than go thru the pain I have felt the last 3 months. He sent a a gif, says "I fell in love with you because you loved me when I couldn't love myself".  He said he would go to counseling. I gave him the info on whom to call as they would work with him on payment. And he knows he has to take the steps to do this, I'm not doing it for him.

Believe me, I would like to just erase the past 8 months out of my mind and let him come home but I know I can't. Things will just go back to the way they were. I dealt with the name calling when in an argument. At times I was actually already using tools I have read about here to try not to let it escalate, but then I would resort to being disrespectful back at him. I cannot deal with the infidelity. But our communication skills were terrible. He was looking for things I wasn't giving him - validation, praise, attention. But I also need affection &attention, things I was not getting from him. I didn't stray but I didn't take the first step in trying to fix the situation.

Back to your question - boundaries. I struggle with boundaries and will need help with this. One main boundary is helping him if he gets behind on his bills. I have covered some bills for him in the past as he is not good with money management. Then I feel used as I'm not getting attention/affection from him. I paid all the household bills with my income when we lived together as I make quite a bit more than he does. But then in a heated argument I would throw this fact in his face and tell him if he didn't change I would kick him out - totally wrong on my part as I used this to try to control his behavior.

I'm unsure on how to deal with boundaries concerning sex. I enjoy the sex but know it is a huge part of keeping me close to him and part of why he initiates it a lot. Using sex to show his love. But when I say no he still pushes it. But i'm afraid of pushing him away as he is very sexual.

Another boundary is time with friends. I am a social person. I enjoy time with friends. He feels I would rather spend time with friends instead of him. And if we were living together I would not be spending near as much time with them as I do now. This is something we will need to work on.

Disrespect - walking away to shut down an argument or when he starts name calling. I need to stay calm and not be disrespectful in return.

I'm not sure on how to handle the issue with his oldest daughter. I am close to this daughter but she is rather needy. Has a lot of drama in her life and asks for a lot of help. She is 27 yrs old, single Mom with no income as the new baby has health issues & she cannot work due to the health issues. He gives in to her a lot. He says he does this as he was not a good father when they were young and feels like he needs to make up for it now. When they were living with us I felt like I didn't exist, only to cook and try to solve both their problems.

Any suggestions/advice on boundaries?

Hi eightball, a few thoughts from someone who is also working on boundaries all the time:


I think this is a very good boundary to start with because there's no messy emotional interaction here. You just stop paying the bills. He's an adult and needs to take care of these things on his own.


This is a much deeper and more important boundary than bills. This relates to your own body and spirit. When you say "afraid" of pushing him away, do you mean you are afraid of his getting disappointed or of him getting aggressive? What is the danger in saying no?  


Your friends are your support network. You can't lose your support network and still get through this. No person has the strength to face this kind of situation alone. You need to stay on message with him that your friends are a major part of your life and source of happiness. If he wants to steal away your time with them, then he needs to understand the loss for him. You might be unhappy around him or irritable. It's a lose lose.

This doesn't need to get emotional. You can tell him that you do not like where this conversation is going, but you will be happy to come back to it later when you have "both calmed down" (even though it sounds like you are already calm).


Sounds like you have two people you need to work on boundaries with here. I think one thing to keep in mind is that his daughter is her own person and not attached to him, especially since she's grown. So the boundary work has to be done separately here. But you have to pay attention to both side.s You can't tell him to take care of his own daughter and then go help her at the same time. This one is definitely tricky.

I don't think anyone can set new boundaries at once. It takes time and prioritizing which boundary needs to come first. For me the first boundary I needed to set with my wife was that I was not going to solve all her life problems by moving out with my son, which would have been financially and logistically impossible.  

Of the above boundaries, which do you see as most important?

~ROE

Hi ROE! Hope you are having  great day!


Afraid of him getting disappointed. He knows I'll eventually give in, as I have in the past. That's why he pushes.We had a discussion yesterday. I told him the sex has to stop. That he is not showing me respect by pushing me for sex even after I have said no. I told him I give in b/c I don't want him to get it somewhere else. He said that's part of the reason he pushes it, he's afraid of the same thing, and of course he has needs. We are going to start dating, still showing affection but leaving sex off the table. He said he realizes now if its worth having then its worth waiting for. Hopefully he sticks to this.

I also explained to him that when he moved out he moved in with his daughter, he was never alone. I was alone, so I turned to friends for support and of course spend more time with them now. He knows my friends are telling me to get out of the relationship and feels I will let them influence me. I asked why he doesn't have any male friends. And when he makes friends why just with women. He couldn't answer that besides saying he doesn't trust people, but didn't have a problem talking to these other women? Is this b/c he can be Mr Charming with women and not men?

I think the most important boundary is the disrespect. For a while I was pretty good at staying calm but the last 6 months we lived together I was not. There was so much going on I was stressed and didn't handle myself well. I was accused of cheating every week. When he was actually the one hiding interactions with another woman. We have both been disrespectful and I'm not sure how to get back the respect - thru boundaries correct?

He has said he was born in the wrong era. He wants a June Cleaver, be there to greet him at the door, ask how his day is and basically sounds like he wants to be pampered. Most of the time I was home when he got there. I did ask how his day was. I almost always cooked dinner, while he sat watching TV. It just felt so one sided.

I did not want the daughter to move in. I wanted her to stay in the house she had with her xbf but make him move out. My ex didn't feel she was safe there so I gave in and let her move in. She only got on 1 wait list for housing. Was supposed to be 4-6 months. Its been 7 months and still is no. 9 on the wait list.   I told him I was not going to live my life around her problems, but he did so I got sucked into it too. And now that they live together he complains about the same things I complained about when they all lived at my house. But when they were at my house he felt I was being too hard on her.

He lent the other daughter money to pay her electric bill last week. Money he doesn't really have. This daughter also has a bf who doesn't work on a regular basis. She is 25yrs old. Why can't these girls grow up and be responsible for themselves? Why does he not realize that he's just enabling them to stay with men that are not responsible? I'm not loaning him money. He will have to deal with the consequences if his daughter doesn't pay him back in time for him to pay other bills.

My son is 24 yrs old, is in the service, married and doing fine. I do help them financially once in a while. Like when she came home from where he was stationed and needed a loan to put a new roof on their home. My son at first didn't want to borrow from me, partly b/c they know I am usually the person helping the ex & his girls financially,but the roof needed done before winter so I told him it was ok. DIL used my spare car for a few months til she could save money to buy her own as she wasn't working where he was stationed.  But its not constant chaos and crisis with my son & DIL.

So my other issue is I was told by the ex'es sister that he always told her I was his sugar momma. As long as he made me think he was doing what I wanted he was on easy street. How do I know if its just him joking around or if thats really how he feels? When we first got back together we went to his nephews house. The nephew said back with the sugar momma huh. The ex told me he married his 2nd wife b/c his family liked her and she had a degree in teaching and was his retirement plan.  How do I not take this into consideration - that I'm exactly what they say - his sugar momma?

Because he is exactly the same kind of man would be my guess. At the same time, I think your son's maturity reflects your own.

eightball, I am with you feeling that the sugar momma is a deeply disrespectful and hurtful term, joke or not. I feel angry for you just thinking about it. Even if he doesn't feel that way it's clearly on his mind in terms of how he thinks of you.

~ROE

ROE,
Thank you for your support.

I went to uBPDxbf's last night for dinner. I asked him about the sugar momma comments. His explanation was bs. We all know what that means. He said he meant sugar momma like I'm sweet -really? That's so lame.

And not pushing sex - well he didn't push as much as normal but still mentioned it. Wanted me to stay the night. Wanted to just lay in bed together - right. He made a couple other comments.

At this point I really feel like im being used.

he took part of the day off from work yesterday to go to his grandson's preschool graduation but told me last week he could not leave an hr or 2 early to go to a counseling appt with me that I could have made a couples appt.

I feel like I'm not a priority, our relationship is not a priority. Just his needs & wants are priorities.

After taking everything into consideration, I decided yesterday its time to detach from this 13 yr relationship.

I am not strong enough to continue loving someone who doesn't show affection unless he wants something in return (sex, money, a maid, a mother).

I am not strong enough to be considered an option when he has been talking to and grooming other women, or running back to the ex when we have a major argument.

I am not strong enough to not be considered a priority by the person I love.

i am not strong enough to keep allowing the verbal and emotional abuse.

But I am strong enough to accept that this is the way our relationship has been.

I am strong enough to know he is not willing to change, even though he says it will change after every break up/make up.

I am strong enough to know I deserve to be happy. 

i am strong enough to change myself, to be the person I was before this relationship, but a better person as I have learned from this relationship.

I am strong enough to walk away from a love/hate relationship.

eightball, wow, this is leaps and bounds from the place you were a few weeks ago, even just a few days ago. I greatly admire the progress you've made in that time.

I just have some suggested changing to the wording of your declaration:

I love myself too much to continue loving someone who doesn't show affection unless he wants something in return (sex, money, a maid, a mother).

I love myself too much to be considered an option when he has been talking to and grooming other women, or running back to the ex when we have a major argument.

I love myself too much to not be considered a priority by the person I love.

I love myself too much to keep allowing the verbal and emotional abuse.

Your statements are not a declaration of not being strong enough. They are a sign of how strong you are. Strong enough to love yourself and not let another person steal that love for themselves.

~ROE

Good day ROE,

Thank you so much for your kind words. I met with the uBPDxbf Tuesday afternoon. It didn't go well. I told him we needed space as we have been spending too much time together. He didn't agree. I told him Sunday I was trying to find a balance between spending my free time with him, my friends & time for myself. Monday night he was already given me a hard time about spending time with my friends.

The thought of me not being in his life anymore is very hard for him to accept. He resorted to bringing up my wrongs from 13 yrs ago, as if he didn't do anything wrong back then. And we were both supposed to let go of the past when we got back together a couple yrs ago. He resorted to name calling, anything to push my buttons. I stayed calm until he called me a whore. I left. He called and texted 10 min later apologizing. I cannot accept this behavior anymore.

I decided I am not willing to spend my summer unhappy, or the rest of my life unhappy, due to his insecurities and jealousy. I do love this man, but I am also learning to put myself first. He thinks we only need couples counseling. I strongly disagree. I will continue my counseling. I do hope he decides to do counseling on his own. If he does, and sticks with it, I would be willing to do couples counseling.  Until then, I've decided to live my life the way I want.

We still have financial things to sort out so I cannot go NC. He texted this morning asking if I was going to his grandsons tball game tonight. I said no as I have a counseling appt and other things to do after.  He is trying to make me feel guilty about not going, and I almost fell for it. Asked why I started going in the first place. And said guess the grandson will be disappointed. Also said those things I need to do must be pretty important. I did not respond to any of this. I have been to more games than this child's father or any other family member except for the ex and the child's mother. The ex just wants me there to get me to talk about things. As far as I'm concerned, all that's left to talk about at this point is the financial things.

I plan to have a great holiday weekend with my friends. It will be fun & they do not judge me, try to make me feel guilty or try to control me :-)

Thank you ROE for listening. I hope all is well with you.

Eightball