BPDFamily.com

Good Day Everyone
I have a 24 yr old Daughter diagnosed BPD since the age of 18 though looking back it has probably been there for most of her life. She is now pregnant not married or much help from the father. She is only 9 weeks along. She wants to have the baby. We are very worried she will not be able to successfully be a good parent. She is a good person. She rages but with us has not been doing that for about a year with a couple of exceptions, but with boyfriends it is constant. She has been a babysitter many times and never had a bad experience or had a bad feedback from parents. We have witnessed her babysitting even three children and was amazed how calm she stayed with them. But, that is only occasional work over the years. Over the past 6 months she had her first job that lasted that long and did well. Acutally the company went belly up recently. It was 9 to 5 and she got herself there on time and was consistant enough to keep the job. It was customer Service on the phone. But she has never kept a clean and orderly apt. and she is has not had a stable romantic relationship. So she is just starting to show some capable life skills that are headed in a positive direction to lead a successful happy life. We have always felt we would be prepared to help her throughout her life and if she got control of herself somewhere in the future that would be great. We are very worried about her ability to be a single parent with a 40 hour a week job. Even with our help. What we don't want to happen is for her to not be able to handle it and end up losing custody of the child even to us, which we would not want to do. We would be happy being the normal type grandparents helping maybe 20 % of the time with taking care of the grandchild and with finances. But, it would be awful for the child if she was not able to be a good, consistent, parent. I read a lot of negative BPD parenting stories on line. Does anyone have any positive parenting stories and how the BPD Mom handled her life to be a positive good Mom?
Thanks

 *hi*   Hi LeStar,

                Welcome to this board. Your concerns are so valid. My heart feels for you. I know you specifically asked for a positive parenting story, unfortunately I can not provide that. It is heart breaking to read so many negative things and then look at your own child. I can share a little of what I'm doing, in the hope that it will give you some hope.
                I helped my grandson JJ come into this world, he is now 6 and I have been raising him everyday since his birth. I wouldn't trade that for anything! His mother my BPDD (35) has always lived with me, she is low functioning BPD. So NO this is not the way I envisioned my life or hers. It has been many hard years of working to working to get where we are now. My daughter has been 4 months without a meltdown, I have guardianship of JJ, our lives are structured and very set in patterns. I'm sure to most people that doesn't sound all to enjoyable. It works for me. I know where my daughter is, she is safe, I have my grandson and he is safe (from her).
          I hear what you're saying about loving your child and wanting the best for her and yet having deep concern for your unborn grandchild. I can't speak for all grandparents but, I can tell you at 60 this not what I had in mind for myself. I have to keep in mind that God had a plan and He thought I fit the bill for accomplishing it. A parents love knows no bounds, thank goodness for tender hearts. 
         I'm sure you will get plenty of support here, there are so many of us here who can share with each other.    I have no doubt that you and your spouse will come to a workable solution. Keep posting, let us know what you decide. Let us know what you need, maybe looking at some of the lessons here will help you open a dialog with your daughter.

Hi LeStar,

*welcome*

I’d like to join bluek9 and welcome you to bpdfamily. I’m glad that you have decided to join this group. I don’t have a child w/ I have an ex wife with BPD traits I’d say high functioning she can hold down a job although when we were together she would quit because of anxiety or she had an issue with someone in the workplace.

I can’t soeak to your question or story I’m sure that others will come along and will have advice to share. I’d just like to say that she is an adult at 24 and can make her own choices.


PS The lessons can be found on the right side of the board  |--->  :)

hi LeStar

I read your post and I'm really glad you came here to discuss these challenging issues.   i thought it would help to share a synopsis of my story.

My BPD daughter at 27 (diagnosed three years ago - but we haven't been living in the same state), arrived on my doorstep three weeks shy of giving birth after her relationship broke up three months earlier.  My daughter is high functioning and is highly capable in many ways.  i had no doubt she would be a good mum and she doted on my granddaughter.  Where things went pair shaped was in our support of her and understanding between us that was very mis-aligned.

Just to go back, following her breakup, my husband and I gave her some options about where she would be best placed to have the baby.  She decided to come to us, along with her two dogs.  We told her we would support her to have the baby and get on her feet.  We worked away during the week and supporting her entailed, financial assistance towards her rent, cooking Friday through to Sunday nights, walking her dogs, entertaining her and the baby all weekend. 

While this was ok for us for a period of time, I expected that she would start to get on her feet, meet people and build her life.  As time went by, I became very resentful as I was becoming run down and exhausted; neglecting my husband, myself and others. Support felt like continual rescue; rescue turned into advice and help that she resented and when we tried to pull back, she flew into multiple rages and we have now been cut out for three months.  She moved back to our home state and took the baby with her without saying goodbye amid claims we are the most un-supportive parents ever.

It sounds like there are many positive things going on with your daughter that demonstrate commitment.  On this basis are you able to engage her in a conversation about how she will manage, what her expectations of you are, so that you can consider options, negotiate a position that you are both happy with; one that also allows some flexibility.   

Merlot

Hi Lestar ,

please see my recent thread entitled “ my mum is the genetic link “ . My brother and I turned out okay   |iiii :) *)

On a side note , one of my good friends is a low functioning BPD. She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder initially around 15 years ago but was formally diagnosed with BPD early last year . She was devastated by this diagnosis as she knew exactly what it was and what it actually meant .

We met in the maternity ward 21 years ago when having our first born kids and have been friends ever since .

She has 3 kids , now aged 21 , 19 and 18 . Her son , the eldest , has quite a few issues and is a handful ... .he’s a strange lad and is breaking her heart right now as he prepares to leave the family home and start up a new life with his love interest in Texas ... .an older lady he met online ! her two daughters however are the sweetest kids you’d ever meet and are leading stable , successful lives ,Despite her significant issues and challenges ( and I mean significant ; This woman has literally threatened suicide and swallowed pills in front of her husband and kids when they were young and has put her whole family through hell over the years ) .

It might not end up terrible :) mind you , my friend and her kids did have a very stable presence of their husband /dad presents and he’s an amazing guy who’s tolerated a lot !

It has been so helpful reading many of your posts thanks everyone for sharing.
I had an incident with my daughter who if you read my first post is 24 and expecting a baby as a single mom in Dec.  We were having a conversation and we had a disagreement on the information. She started to get agitated, not rage she didn't ever get to that level just elevated and angry that I didn't believe her side of the story. I asked her that I wanted to talk to her boss because it had to do with a work related situation. She called her at that moment. Her boss let her know that she was wrong and her Dad was correct. That she had been told exaggerated rumors by other workers. She immediately came down calm and said I'm sorry Dad. This gave me the opportunity for a learning moment about parenting with BPD. I said to her that what happened during our conversation was a BPD moment. That when I have a conversation with my friends and we disagree it doesn't go to anger. And that since I am an adult and understand she has BPD I know not to take it personally. I understand her and who she is and how BPD makes those moments happen. I told her that all of her adult friends that know her and about her BPD can do that. BUT, a 5 year old can't. A child can't understand and the child will think it is them. That he/she has done something to make you mad or distant or unsettled in some way. I know she has done a lot of research on parenting but I asked her if she had done any research on BPD Parenting. She said No. I told her I had and I had many stories from grown adults who had BPD parents. She asked, Are any of them good? I had to tell her that so far I haven't found any. I did find a wonderful BPD Parent story from a website called The Mighty. Her name is Kayla Anderson and her story is a roadmap on how to parent with BPD. She is a single parent with two children. So there is a positive story. It can be done. But it takes hard work and great attention. More than she has ever done. I hope she can do it. I got with her therapist and we decided that we would have weekly family sessions and each would be a class on BPD Parenting. We will be using a lot of the stories from this site. So Please send any you have BPD Parents or BPD Children. The Good The Bad The Ugly so we can all learn and teach a young mother how to do the best she can to be a good parent to her child. Peace

My daughter was never officially diagnosed although one therapist told me that she has many of the traits and that is how I learned about BPD.  She has gotten a lot better as have I.  Distance and working on myself is what helped.

Hi LeStar and welcome 

I'm really inspired by your approach with your daughter, the emotional support you're providing her, helping her take on her responsibilities to be the best parent she can. A class on BPD Parenting sounds like a great way to go!  Really interested to hear how it goes along with other parents here.

My 29DD has no children, I have no parenting story for you. She's doing well managing her disorder post DBT and has a greater understanding of who she is, her challenges and how she can help herself.

I'll check out Kayla's story thanks for the share.

I'm glad you found us  :)

WDx