BPDFamily.com

Just needed to write for a minute.  I fear we might be heading back into some troubled times as far as his emotional state as we wait for the official statement his program is ending and/or if he will have a job by 2020. 

I can intellectually see that he is afraid I will see him how he sees himself, as a loser with no job, and he believes his depression will be so great he won't fathom any ability to ever work again.  So obviously I will leave him.  He will end up alone in his mom's attic, waiting for his sister to call the elderly-adult version of CPS on him just to make sure she gets whatever inheritance might exist, and then to die himself of his diabetes, but his legs will be amputated before any of this happens. 

I think this is all premature nonsense, and am refusing to allow myself to get as worked up as he is (yes, I am scared about a loss in income, just when we were finally starting to build a meagre amount of savings for some home repairs and car replacement, and his health care, but what can I do?  Nothing at this time.  So I will work to focus on good things each day as I can instead of losing sleep and making myself sicker about it). 

I feel exhausted already from the tirades and "rainbow fart delusions" I am accused of when mentioning any possibility other than him dying alone after I abandon him.

Sigh.  I DO have my own worries.  I AM scared life will go back to more of a struggle financially than it has been lately, in addition to the increased health concerns he has and my own neglected health.  But I have no one to share them with.  Just here.  I'm not 20 anymore, and I don't seem to have the emotional reserves and physical reserves of years past.  I really hate how BPD makes it better for me to share online how I am feeling than endure the addition to his ramblings and rantings at home. 

Last night I got really sad simply watching an old show with a segment on life after death experiences.  He went into a rambling rant (I've heard variations of it before) about how all possibilities for what we find after death are depressing. 
1 - there's nothing at all - depressing
2 - people are separated, some won't be in heaven or will actually be in hell, or won't want to be in YOUR heaven because they find theirs to be better - depressing
3 - without physical and emotional struggle we simply exist to no end - useless and depressing
4 - we don't' "really" have our loved ones, just a simulation of them, so it's not real - depressing.
5 - even if we have things made personally from own versions of heaven, someone might be hurting to provide us with the ability to manifest them - depressing
6 - not caring or believing in number 5 is just selfish
7 - falling back on the "excuse" it's an unknowable condition and state of being is just burying your head in the sand - stupid and depressing

A few minutes after this, he made comments like, "hope you like heaven without me, we both know I'm not ending up there."  And I sat, fighting back tears over it. 

He spends so much time LOOKING for the WORST to justify being upset and to bring me down, too.  At least that is how I feel at the moment.  I am not the most active of Christians.  I do not attend church, partly because I had some repressed memories of my psycho dad come back to me IN church, with him up in front leading the singing.  Baptist churches often have a "song leader" who helps pick the music each week, leads the choir, and sets up the extra devotional songs during service.  I was often voluntold to do the devotional.  But I still believe much of the lessons I learned, and I believe God knows my heart and understands why I don't think the church building is His only house.  I got married on a beach partly because I thought there was nowhere closer to God than outside. 

Anyway. I can't make him think, believe, or feel anything.  I know this.  It just hurts my heart he has so much negative in there, so much that he must WORK to build up so many bad thoughts. 

I get lists like this each time he wants to try to drag me down and be "right" about I don't even know what.  Right about things being rough?  Right about what?  I am doing my best to not invalidate his feelings, while not supporting the crazy "live with my mom in the attic" idea. 

No, I don't want to contemplate his soul being estranged from mine.   I've spent my whole life estranged from family, and I've actaully had more of my life with H, now, than ANY family.  All I can do is pray for him, and try to help as much as the BPD allows.  But my heart kinda hurts right now, and I just need to share.

Hi islime,

What a dear you are!   I know how hard it is when are partners are feeling so low and we want to cheer them, but can't, because depression is a very strong illness. I feel very wary of depression because I don't like feeling like I'm also being pulled down into a dark and hopeless place.

All I can say is I'm here and I care and I'm glad you took the time to write and share what's going on for you! When I read things like this it helps me a lot too - I rethink my life through insights I hear from others.

I thank you so much for your capacity to offer so much support to others when you are struggling as well! 

warmly, pearl.

Thanks.  I just feel pretty isolated right now when it comes to try to communicate with others about his depression, and I don't even try to tackle the BPD-mood extremes. 

Others who know of the likely closing of his department, and they are saying all the things you expect people to say, "You'll find something, it's not final yet, etc., don't worry, things will work out"  They can't know this is actually invalidating to him, and there's no way to caution people about it.  To them. it's just normal, supportive, kind things to say. 

So he feels invalidated and doubles down on "proving" his emotions are "right" when it's just me at home.  This includes almost manifesto-type diatribes and lists of what it's all hopeless, why I am stupid for having any hope at all for the future, and blah blah blah.

And he's had a cold the last 4 days, after a terrible bout of kidney stones 2 weeks back.  He's been comfort eating throughout all of this, and hasn't been able to be active due to pain or fever and disorientation from the kidney stone drugs or simply feeling bad.  His sugar, if I could get him to test it, is likely all over the place - he tends high, so at least I don't have to worry about him collapsing from a sudden drop (he's not at that point, yet).

I can recognize his body it tired and worn out, and yes, I know this makes his emotions, even more, volatile and unpredictable.  He needs to simply allow himself to rest, but he hates feeling "weak, geriatric before his time" and he also fights sleep like a cranky two-year-old, hating to lose time to being "unconscious".  He damages his body by fighting falling asleep and then wonders why he has insomnia when he finally DOES want to sleep.  If you ignore natural sleep signals long enough, your body doesn't work right.  This goes for pretty much any physical system in the body - overeat too much?  Your satiation signals stop working.  Over do the sugar intake and have no activity to burn it off?  Your body might start making you insulin resistant and set you on the path to diabetes.  Burn out your brain's serotonin reserves?  Your brain might start ignoring serotonin and make you more prone to chronic depression. 

Anyway.  I am tired.  I meant to go to bed early last night (for me, like 11 - my hyper-alert mind from my PTSD makes it hard for me to stay asleep if I go to bed too soon.  Go to bed at 9?  Wake up at 4 and then can't get back to sleep until it's time to be at work, so you trudge in, exhausted even though you went to bed "early".), but did not. 

Initially, early in the evening, I wanted to have dinner, clean up, do a little back decompression on my new yoga wheel to relax, boil some eggs for my WW diet (apparently I can eat these "guilt free"?), and then shower an go to bed.  But I mismanaged my time and ended up waiting for him to shower first since he was feeling weak, and I wanted to be dressed and able to help if he needed assistance getting in or out of the tub. 

He tends to start a dysregulation cycle in the shower when he's in this kind of mood, so I was alert.  I don't know if it's the hot water raising his blood pressure, or the potential solitude with his own thoughts... .it's just a place he can trigger and then start on a rant for hours.  He almost got started up, but it only lasted a bit.  Mostly he was just attacking himself and daring me to argue.  His shower, to the water heater recycling, then mine, had me in bed by 1:15 am, but not asleep till far later.  I am to be at work by 8 am.  On good nights I might manage to be in bed by 11 or 11:30, and asleep by 12-12:30.  Its not great, but it's okay.  My sleep tracker says I am averaging about 38% sleep efficinecy this week - out of the hours I spend in bed, I am getting restful sleep 38% of that time. 

Ugh, I am sorry, I just need to be better about getting myself to bed and stop mother-henning him so much.  I know it's my responsbility to make sure I am getting enough rest, and I should not allow his idosynchracies to prevent that.