BPDFamily.com

New to the forum so hello.

I’m not 100% sure my ex-SO has BPD but has certainly exhibited some traits from my research over the past few weeks.

We dated for 5 years, almost every single day was bliss. Happy, connected, understanding, etc. There was no love bombing initially but we just clicked and the chemistry was organic. We took it slow, and over the course of the first 3-6 months, relationship developed. Only after 1.5 years did we say I love you to one another. We never argued, things were just calm and serene.

Two months before the breakup, I started noticing strange behavior from her. She seemed depressed, started drinking, I asked many times why she was and didn’t get answers. She stopped temporarily but this was a bandaid on the wound. I knew something was up.

I personally had a few moments (say 5-6) when I blew up at her, but nothing too major. Frustrations or an argument. She never fought back but rather suppressed emotions.

She always cared for me, respected me and we started talking about marriage 1-year prior to the breakup. I always told her I wanted to marry her but just needed some more time, we even spoke about kids and the life together, the whole nine.

Strange things I remember in retrospect: she texted me a few times out of nowhere towards the last few months “don’t leave me” - this was weird to me because why would I. I replied with I would never leave you.

We spent the holidays together and had another fight, after which, 5-7 days later she said she is no longer “in love” with me, she hates me, I wasn’t there for her, etc. I was blown away. Completely.

Perhaps she thought I would abandon her and wouldn’t marry her. I know various things triggered her but her reaction was completely out of this world. We spoke a few times immediately after the breakup, I tried here to rationalize and explain the few mistakes I made and how I was 100% committed to marrying her. Nothing works. Same ruminating thoughts and reasons as to why she did. She also said that I “pushed her too far” and that a “switch flipped” in her head (scary).

30-45 days after the breakup, we started talking again and spent 10-12 days together over the course of a month. We felt good together, the chemistry was there, not much talk about the relationship but plenty of talk about her past. She suffered from an eating disorder, dealt with a few bouts of depression growing up, self destructive behavior, hypersensitivity, sexual abuse in school and a partner who she loved that left her. Also alcoholism.

So a lot of skeletons came out of the closet. Scary in retrospect that I never knew about these before. Perhaps it was just really hard for her to talk about them.

After we spent those 10-12 days together, she again went back to the usual “we can’t be together” talk. We took another 2 weeks apart with limited contact. After this limited contact, we started speaking again. This time, she seemed very happy on the surface but not sure why because it’s not true. We spent 6 days talking daily, her texting me in the morning and at night. No talk of the relationship, but on day 7, completely flipped and said she needs to move on with her life, etc.

Slapped in the face once again and it hurts like no other because I truly loved and cared for this girl. I tried my best to discuss things with her and try and figure out how to work out our relationship, even start anew but nothing. Same talk, over and over.

We’ve been on NC for a little over two weeks since the last flip and while I want to keep trying I know there’s nothing I can do.

What’s wild is how you know things are perfect, state that, proclaim your love and then flip to the I hate you, not in love with you a few days later. I know some of anger disappointed her, I always apologized and more importantly started working on myself to ensure this never happens. I always ensured her that she was the one I wanted to marry and this is a fact. I loved this girl more than anyone in my life. I always saw a future with her and she with me. I know the love was real, you could tell by words and actions. We cared for one another, we were always in sync. I did a lot for her, I was always there for her 99% of the time.

What do you guys think?

Her actions post-breakup are certainly odd, but it’s obvious her emotions are / were all over the place. I respect her wishes as much as it hurts but I just don’t get it. I know her past has been filled with pain and problems and these stem from childhood, but I never thought that someone who admired you so much and vice versa would have such a 1) dramatic flip seemingly overnight and 2) push / pull for 3 months with no progress, reconciliation talk, anything.
 

Hi Positiveplus,

It’s okay. A lot of us have undiagnosed partners. One thing you learn around here is that even without a diagnosis you can learn a lot about the symptoms you see - how to understand them and possibly respond to them if you have that chance.

I know how much it hurts to have some love you then very quickly turn around and hate you. I am sorry you are feeling so hurt!

It sounds like she has many issues that she has been keeping to herself. Do you think she’s ever gotten any assistance for any of this? Are you in contact with her these days?

with compassion, pearl.

I know she’s in therapy. I wish I could help her but I can’t. I obviously wish and pray for the best for her, irrespective of a relationship. I also know she’s been in therapy many times in the past. I never closed the door on her and always told her she can contact if she need anything and that I’m there for her. I always try to be a good human being and do whatever I can to make her and those around me happy. Obviously she has a lot of issues and I do wish her the best and hope to hear from her one day.

Want to add a few things / questions, perhaps some members or pwBPD can can answer.

1) It's been two weeks of NC after she told me to let her go, is it even appropriate to send a nice card with some loving words or what's the point of this?

2) I know pwBPD have out of sight, out of mind issues, she is still checking my social media, but I've always respected the space and wishes (let me go, etc.)

3) Her actions have been erratic, talking to me for 6 days, completely flipping a 180 on day 7 and saying let me go, etc.

4) Like most, I do love her and have some faint (perhaps unrealistic) hope that she gets help and realizes her words, actions, etc. post-breakup. But perhaps this is not living in reality.

I don't think she is 100% BPD as there was *never* any conflict / rage/ anger during the relationship, perhaps quiet PBD and suppressed everything inside but definitely exhibited many BPD traits regardless.

Most are advising me to stay away and simply let time do its thing, there is this natural urge in all of us to pursue and try and fix but that didn't work as I spent 3 months explaining, trying to communicate, reconcile, give space, be kind, etc. with no results.

I've also read plenty about "emotional fragility" and a lot of that makes sense here.

Not to mention the depression, eating disorder history, self-harm, anxiety, etc.

Uy

Hey bud, I can relate a lot to your story. My ex also went through very traumatic situations growing up.

1) the card may push her away at the time being.

2) My ex would block me on social media, delete me everywhere or block me and delete my number. She would say out of site and out of mind. But I know this was for her to do her best to not think of me. But I know based on the intensity of our relationship she couldnt just forget me like that. She always stalked my instagram and she does. How do I know? I think she would do it to her ex when we were together or had updates form her friends on how terrible he was doing, etc.

3) Yes, my ex would say let me go, or "dont come back and make a fool of yourself". its hard to read why they do that they do. Push pull method.

4) Its possible if shes willing to get better. If she seeks help, and understands there is a problem, then both of you can work together to have a happy relationship. But knowing there will be ups and downs as there is in any relationship.

I advise you to not get advise from friends and family when it comes to relationships with PBPD. As they dont know the severities of this mental illness. Your best best would be to get advice here and a therapist. I spent 2-3 months after the breakup to plead and explain. Pretty much jade. Learn the tools here, and post as much as you want. Read others stories and share. It has helped me tremendously. I was in a dark place when I first joined.

My ex also had an eating disorder she didnt want to admit. She would eat all day and say there is nothing to eat. Or self harm. Not sleeping, or sleeping too much. She has major depression and anxiety. What hurt me the most, was when she told me I was the reason I set her back from her therapy sessions and put her progress behind.

Take care, and I hope I helped in anyway.

Thanks for the insight. Same ordeal. Checks my social media constantly. I did everything humanly possible to discuss, explain, try to work things out, even have a normal discussion. Was not receptive. Just kept ruminating on the same story over and over again - for 3 months.

The anxiety, depression, eating disorder behavior, fear and paranoia, and whatever else was triggered after the traumatic event (the breakup) seems to have exploded and erupted to the surface once the breakup happened. And it’s obvious all of these issues are currently at play. There’s also alcohol involved.

Regarding the “let me go” part she’s said it so many times yet she is the one that initiated contact. I’ve always been respectful of her space and never really reached out unless she reached out to me. So it makes no sense whatsoever (to us).

I know she has support from her family which is good. Her friends are oblivious to these issues and I know she hasn’t ever told them about them. So they are probably doing the opposite of what she needs.

Toughest part is that I can’t i cant  anything but simply move on with my life. It’s very sad indeed.

It was a long relationship, amazing in every way, we had a few arguments in the last few months but nothing that would cause a) such a disaster and b) make it unfixable for 3 months now.

Perhaps time apart for her to find solace and work on herself is the best part. I do wish her the best. It’s traumatizing indeed and scary to want to be with someone like this moving forward for life. But for now, I’ve been discarded in a sense so there’s no point in thinking that.

Is it safe to say that she has gone through:

1) mental breakdown, leading to the breakup
2) breakup causing all issues from the past to erupt, state of shock
3) new issues triggered including BPD behavior and more
4) depression, mania, anxiety, etc. all at play after the crisis
5) currently trying to rebalance the brain, be at peace, remove triggers, get thoughts together and emotions under control

I ask because there was literally no instability during the relationship. It was smooth sailing until the last few months where various external triggers activated the eruption.

The first time my ex broke up with me,  I was sad,  but kind of relieved.  That was me.  

I sent goodbye messages to her two friends I had met.  A day later,  I got a text,  "you'll just give up and not fight for love?"

? She broke up with me!

I'd reach out.  Something safe and non triggering.  Have you looked at the communication tools to the right of the board in Lesson 3? It is a lot to go through,  but the pull down menus at the very top of the board in Tools have good top level articles.  Like:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

It’s tough to reach out. What more can one say. I’ve tried everything.

I’ve tried empathizing, validating feelings, have obviously apologized, mentioned countless times how much I care and love her. Shown her this.

I’ve gotten “I’m not in love with you” to “we can never be together.”

Over and over again.

Space and time might be the only thing here. She has a lot of BPD traits but probably not text book BPD. Certainly the fear of abandonment might have played a role (texts prior to the breakup “don’t ever leave me”). There’s also PTSD from the event itself. Etc.

Who knows what she’s even saying to her therapist, hopefully the therapist is smart enough to pick up on some these behaviors and identify the root causes.

I’m sure you’ve also got external influence (parents, clueless friends) advising her to move on, etc.

Big mess.

Not sure why this is such a tough situation for me. It’s been a good 16 days of NC and my mind keeps wandering on these boards.

The suddenness of it all was what I can’t conprehend, the inability to do anything about it - after trying my best for 3 months, the complete isolation and not even caring.

Definitely quiet BPD perhaps. But nothing I can do and not sure why I would even want this person back.