BPDFamily.com

Hello.

Its hard for me try to explain all of this, I am a BPD in treatment  for more than 15 years, when I decided to begin therapy i was one step towards destruction. After years of coping  with this problem, a lot  of books, endless quantity of therapy sessions, I though I found a nice, loving, motivated, and caring partner, I couldn't see it before, she show later some symptoms I also show  before. We start a long distance relationship 3 years ago. She is living in another continent than me, when I met her I was  going out from a hurtful relationship (as my typical relationships), she used to told me about her ex gf too, which has cheated on her several times, and that leave her (my ex) alone  for  another woman. My now  ex used to tell me she love her a lot but  she couldnt come back again with her because  that turns a toxic relationship already (thing that makes me  believed she  were aware in when stop bad relationships, didn't realizing that actually this is part of a pattern), after  months of flirting she told me she was feeling something for me, so we decide give it  try even though we were 13 hours by flight apart, I was  afraid to try it, but she  was making me  feel worthy, special and as if I had  just  found a gem in the swamp I was in that moment, the first year was amazing, constant calls, a lot of details by her part, and I was still struggling to give myself into the relationship because of fear, she  was constantly there, she even booked a flight to visit me and known my friends during  holidays, this reassure me she was serious, she prepared romantic evenings and she was so caring and loving, I was on heaven, she was the most loving  person I have ever met, she continuously let me know  how much she loves me  and how special I was  and  how much she admired me, In a second trip to visit me (6 months later of the  first time we see us, (1 year already of relationship), she proposed to me, and I didn't hesitated on saying yes. we were in love or at least I tough that, the time  difference  was a real issue, when I was  working she was  waking up, we start  having small discussions, because  she wanted to know  about where I was  all the time, or because I didn't say good morning or because I was  working a lot and took me time  to answer her, i used to slept  at 3 am for me to speak with her in her "free time" after  work. She became totally jealous, even trying to enter in my social media to check if I was with someone, she  was constantly telling me  that if I stop giving her love or attention she would leave, because she didn't want me to be so cold, I was constantly apologizing, she would get totally angry if  i didn't  came on time to home  to speak with her, i tried all, she  was in and out fo the school and saying she couldnt manage study and work at the same time, and  problems with her family (also not so stable), she was responsible almost of everything on her  family and  every time i was asking her to please try to leave  home and go to a place alone, she would get mad and tell me offensive thing  and tell she wasn't unconsidered as me, or ungrateful, she  used to ask me for help anytime she has a problem with the school and  one time 2 years ago she was playing while i was trying to explain her the class, I got angry and I let her know, she  use this  all the time  later to tell me she  was afraid of asking me  for  help, but anyway she was asking me  and I was helping her, I was also helping  economically whenever she needed, or paying for the plane tickets and holidays in order to see each other, we start  planning the  wedding, where to live, how I would move from the country i am now  to be close to her, or to the city she is in now, I was  trying to do my best for manage  all the stress in my work, the problems in the relationships, the controlling behavior, the fights and make ups, the problems  with my supposed lack of attention towards her, I was trying so hard, but when the fight became to often and too offensive, I started  realizing she had similar problems and behaviours than me before my therapy, I encourage  her to seek her, but she said she wasn't me, she wasn't BPD that I was seeing this in every single place, we continue fighting a lot and i got tired and break up with her nd told her i love you but you are stoping my progress please, go to therapy, please see help and until you dont do that I can't come back to you, after a month she told me she was in therapy, and that they would give her pills, I saw a change, she was more motivated, deciding what to do, she was more relax, more compassionate, the fightings reduced a lot and I get the hope that  we could manage it, she didn't wanted for so long to go to therapy because  she was all the time telling me she was afraid  the if she goes there she would realized the the best for both is  separate, and I told her the therapist would never tell you what to do, will be your guide and your peaceful space but not tell you anything like that, actually the therapist and psychiatric dr. constantly tell her to appreciate more what I was doing for her, things improve but  when the pills refill were having problems she was more angry, more aggressive, i used to asked her to call the dr. and she was telling me all the time that if i didn't love  her without pills? that I just wanted to make her in my way of see the things, that she wasn't feeling herself anymore, that  she  was getting fat and sad, and everything, but if the pills come back she  was  fine again, a lot of  stress happened in her life and  with the family and she start drinking alcohol with the pills, she  was chaotic, and I was living in constant stress, I was trying to help in everything, economically, as emotional support, as listening everything but  was not enough  she  continuous telling me i was always  working, i was all the time  angry and stressed, i was never happy, that she  saw i was tired of her  and i wanted to leave her, even though was not like this. she became more and more distant, sh come to pass 1 month with me  last christmas and she was more in her cellphone, i felt her distant, but she was continuously telling me she love me  and i was still the love of her life, she proposed  again to married, we were planning the wedding and all of that, and when she come back home, after few weeks  we started to fight again, and I was worried about the alcohol, she was angry all the time  that i shouldn't control her. before she used to tell me I will go whenever you go, I need to live with you and married with you already. but then after 1 month of seeing us she told me she was deciding to go to another city or maybe back to her country of origin, and that  she would not wanted to come to see my graduation because she wanted to go to her country and see her friends, i said ok, but why aren't you including me anymore in your plans, she  said i didn't  know i need to ask for your permission, is not fair you are asking me to go and  visit you all the time  and that i can't  go to see my father and friends because of that (when months before she  was telling  me how much she would dream to be  with me in that time, that doesn't matter the money or anything). I was more and more stressed because of my work and we have more fights and the periods of reconciliation were each time more prolonged, on one day later of our anniversary, she broke up with me, telling me i love you and i dont deserve you, this is too much, already  toxic, we are fighting to much and we can continue i would stop your progress. I tried so hard to come back I beg I plead, i asked her why? is there another one, she denied so much, is not for anyone  else, i would not  erase the tattoo with your name from me, or take your picture from my wallet, but i can't come back, i can't be with you more, but i love you more than anything, I said then i need to cut contact  with you because i can't hav more hopes if you dont love me, then i won't want you to contact me, she  said i adore you but i can't be more with you, you are too intense, too sentimental, you are the problem, you are alway angry you made me  feel alone and single, i love you but you are too much for me. I was so hurt and i tell her please dont look for me more please, she said then i will blocked you so i dont have the temptation. All my friends have her in their social media, and one show me a picture of her with another  woman just 10 days after the last time we have  contact, then publications of being single, and having sex in motels, and pictures of trips with emoticons of 2 women kissing, and telling this are the best holidays i ever have, I love you baby. I was destroyed, I felt so ashamed so betrayed, I wanted to break any contact  and I asked to a friend to ask for the money she is owning me (1k) and she answered I would contact her, I said I dont want to her contacted me because i know she is  with another one, and then she sent an angry voice mail to my friend telling basically, I never cheated on her, we broke up because she is tired of me and I m tired of her, this relationship is toxic and I can't stay here because  we would hurt each other more, I dont care what she believes, I have my clear conscience, whatever I do after i broke up with her Is my f... .ing life and my problem and she shouldn't care at all, because I dont care  what she is doing. That just broke me, just 2 months later and she is with another one?, traveling? telling her she loves her?, telling me I shouldn't care? Im broke, im lost I dont know how to come back to my feet, Im anxious, im scared to even look for her  because i know she  would behave like she did with her ex, laughing about the person that look for her, and because i dont wanna beg anymore, im destroy, lost, depressed and I really need help to get over this.

hi Headheldhigh and *welcome*

ouch. its a real blow to see someone we love in a new relationship after twenty days.

how long were the two of you together?

On this august was 3 years. And today i received an update event of calendar google of our anniversary and my birthday. From her mail. What a f... k

Thank you for answering

Hi Headheldhigh,

I'd like to join Once Removed in welcoming you to the board.  I'm sorry to hear about your experience.  It is so hard to find that someone we still love and care about is with someone else so quickly.  It happened to me too, so I know how much this hurts and can throw you into a lot of confusion.  I felt insulted and hurt - as if everything we had said to one another meant nothing.  We understand here and I'm glad you posted. 

This has to have been very difficult for you to go through when you are so far along in your recovery.  Are you still in therapy right now?  Do you feel like this has caused you any setback that you need extra support with?  It's so important that through the pain you feel that you take extra care of yourself right now and treat yourself kindly.

Love and light x 

Thank you for your kind words. I felt exactly like that, like if I have been the toy of someone, and after that person get bored than trash me like a garbage, it makes me so confuse, I dont really know how much was her problem or if I come back to my BPD traits without realized and end up like always, left behind and cheated. It's impossible for me to talk with my friends, they are between the extreme telling me she is just looking for attention maybe she dont even slept with anyone ( the voice message telling I shouldn't care what she does with her life after she decided to break with me because she is tired of me, makes me discard this), through the one telling me I dont know what to tell you  I can't believe it doesn't make any sense, to friends that basically are angry of me speaking about her and telling them how I feel, they would say things like she never love you, i saw it since the beginning; she behaved like expecting for you to deliver and you look so stupid giving all she wanted, they tell me they are so mad that they could hit her and slap me to wake up and stop just thinking about her because she is a piece of sh... .It seems that no one except my therapist can listening me about this, I still have her, but for 3 months more cause I will go to graduate from my studies and have soon to leave the country to travel to the place I applied to be close to her and now is kind of scary and depressing that so many plans and expectations are now broken. I wanted to introduce her to my family in my graduation cause she promised to come. But she actually broke up with me while I was in my last 2 weeks of doing my thesis and after exactly 2 months of she being here with me she was already sleeping with someone else, and now I will have my graduation soon and I know this takes so much meaning of this date out, because she doesn't just betrayed me she break all my plans, ( holidays with her as reward of my graduation in the place she took the new girlfriend one month ago, the presentation to my parents, the part of living in the same city or same country, she broke my heart in the worst possible way)

I feel like I haven't progress at all, I called more that 4 times to my psychologist in the middle of the night because I had suicidal thoughts, and couldn't fall slept, my psychologist is there all the time for me but I feel so ashamed everytime I need to call her to let her know I'm bad. It makes me feel as bad as when my friends roll her eyes to me speaking about  this and trying to make any sense out of it.

It must be hard for you to feel that way after having done so much better.  What has happened has really affected you and reaching out for support is the right thing to do so I commend you for that.  I am so glad you called your psychologist when you felt suicidal.  They know exactly how to help and will want to ensure you are OK.  Do you also have a number of a crisis line in case your psychologist isn't available? 

Lots of us find that friends are unable to understand exactly how it feels after a breakup like this, unless they have encountered one with a BPD sufferer.  It's better to speak to others who can relate if you can.  Maybe try to enjoy your time with your friends doing other things and just make the most of their company if they're having difficulty empathising.  Are you using your coping strategies?  Doing self care?

Love and light x   

Thanks so much for the answer. I do not have a crisis line, but I have strategies I have been developed to not do anything harmful, I generally use mindfulness.

I tried to enjoy being with my friends but everything remind me to her, everything makes me confuse, I can't concentrate on my work even though I have too much. I can't keep up with my life cause I dont see a reason anymore, I dont have a goal anymore all my motivation was including her and now i feel empty.

My friends just sent me the message of a screen shot with her and my replacement speaking about having babys. Wow !

That must have been very painful for you.  How are you doing since this news?  I'm unsure why your friends would point that out to you.  Do you think it was to encourage you to let go?

Love and light x

Indeed that's why. They told me they hate to see me crying and sad all the time and see her happy that make them want to vomit. So they sent me that. I'm depress, not focus en work and still really hurt

when youre in this kind of dark place, although your friends mean well, im not sure the updates about her help; its really triggering stuff, and youre already going through a lot.

have you thought about telling them that?

They know. I told them several times please stop it. I dont want to be more hurt. Please. She will not contact me again, she is happy now with the new one so please let me in peace. They promised not to do it more.

nice move, Headheldhigh. sometimes we have to tell other people how they can best support us, they dont always know.

how are you doing today? have you seen your therapist?

No I hadn't. I have therapy until next week and yesterday I had a panic attack and I couldn't sleep. I still crying almost every day and I know I shouldn't cause now she is so happy with the other one forgetting she even know me... .and I'm here crying, in anxiety and depressed