BPDFamily.com

Hey all,

I was looking for some info in the Lesson section, but didn't find what I thought I had seen before. Hopefully someone can point me in the right direction or post a link.

I'm looking for info on what MY RESPONSE should be when my BPD spouse is projecting/manipulative, not just what projecting is.

Read on, if you want more info. I may actually need info on something else instead.

Had an incident this morning where we were having a conversation, I was trying to share something with him, and he took offense to it. I was shocked that he found anything offensive about it because it wasn't attacking, accusatory, etc. just retelling something very benign that had happened.

It caught me off guard, and when I quietly and sweetly asked what he was offended by, to try to defuse the situation, he said that I was being defensive.

The entire morning, I was trying SO VERY HARD to keep things positive, upbeat, kind, and gentle, and smiling the whole time. His response was bizarre. I felt I'd been flipped into some alternate reality. (Side note: He'd missed taking his med by about 6 hours yesterday, so I was trying to avoid anything being perceived negatively, even though we weren't talking about anything negative, because I knew time was off.)

I could feel myself getting flustered, but trying to keep my boundaries, and keep in mind that his meds were off, so I smiled and quietly said I needed a moment to just be quiet because I was trying to process. I was truly trying to figure out what my response should be and how to proceed from there. I thought if I kept smiling and spoke softly, he wouldn't feel threatened (that's usually a trigger).

I figured he'd just get on his phone for a couple of minutes and ignore me. Instead, he calmly told me that I needed to check myself and think about my response, pointing to his wristband that says E+R=O (Experience+Response=Outcome). I replied as calmly as he by saying I was trying, to which he told me that my response was still VERY defensive.

I was getting frustrated, but still trying to control my behavior and mannerisms, and now my senses were on high alert because I was very aware that he was now scrutinizing everything I was doing and saying. I took a deep breath to center myself and relaxed in the booth, actually slumping down. He told me my body language was telling him that I was very defensive. I absolutely did not know how to respond.

I felt I was being baited, and then he made reference to his calm demeanor. Internally, I felt like I'd just been hit with a bat-it was incredibly manipulative. I just sat there, tried to smile again and be calm. I didn't say anything for a couple of minutes. He stared at me, the whole time, like I should be committed (I say that because he has given me this look many times and usually precedes or follows it with "You have serious issues and need major help." This time, he just stared. It was very unnerving.).

This behavior is new. He usually loses his cool when he is offended and the projecting begins-his responses resemble "I know you are, but what am I," with a lot of anger and emotion, and going off on tangents about nothing related. This was emotionless. Maybe it was the timing of the meds, but it seriously freaked me out. He has a very low emotional intelligence, terrible at reading body language, and I recognized more manipulation in him that I've ever seen before. He was controlled, but in an unnatural (can't think of an accurate word) way.

I don't know if this behavior will continue, or if it is the meds. An hour later he was back to his normal. I just feel like I need to be prepared for it to happen again, or at least be better at responding when he's projecting. I can't remember if I read something on here or in one of the many books I have, but was sure that someone here could direct me to what I needed.

Thanks in advance!

Hi justhope,

That sounds like a really uncomfortable situation for you.  It certainly does seem to be projection that you encountered from what you describe.  We have this workshop (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.msg688353#msg688353) in the library which discusses projection.  As you'll see, it's a widely experienced behaviour and there's a lot of information at 10 pages, so I hope that you'll find it helpful.  

Considering the scrutiny you were under and the way you were feeling internally - understandably - I think you handled it exceptionally well.  It would be very hard not to JADE in that situation yet you managed to avoid that, which is something to be proud of.  How did the rest of the day pan out after this?

Love and light x

Hi justhope,

*welcome*

I’d like to join Harley Quinn and welcome you to the family. I’m glad that you decided to join us. That sounds like a very unpleasant experience to go through I don’t know for sure it could be a one off especially if he doesn’t have  history.


I was going to say that he was trying to push your buttons. I agree with Harley Quinn let’s say that you think of the most eloquent response possible do you feel like that response would be the right one? I think that either way he would find fault when he’s trying to bait you like this the best thing is to give him nothing don’t JADE that way you take your power back and control what you can control which is yourself.