BPDFamily.com

For those who don’t know me , quick summary  , I have an 18 year old BPD DD who was diagnosed at 15 , we’ve been through hell with her but we’ve been doing much better for nearly a year now .

I live in the US now but currently having a wee holiday and spending time at home in Scotland right now with my own 71 year old Mum .
I have DEFINITELY clarified in my own mind ,  having spent some  time with my mum again , that she is is most definitely a high functioning BPD and has been since she was a young girl.  She is definitely the genetic link . Since learning about BPD through necessity when my own daughter was diagnosed , I did start thinking about my own upbringing and my mum’s very difficult , often bizarre and frequently challenging behaviors over the years . She has exhibited all the traits particularly when she was younger though has definitely mellowed over the years . But on thinking back, it all makes sense now .
The family conflicts and drama she created within the family for years and years literally resulted in us being estranged from most of our extended family members over many years with family feuds galore , always instigated by my mum .  Her rollercoaster relationship issues over the years with my dad , the co morbid mental health issues with anxiety, depression and phobias , the jealousy , paranoia and terrible tempers and rages , the unpredictable moods, and me forever trying to placate her and ever fearful of upsetting the applecart , even as a very young child I was always aware that my mum was “ different “ and very easy to tip over the edge !
During my stay here at my parents home,  I’ve witnessed my mum acting out and flying off the handle over the simplest of things ... .a simple remark from my dad about her paying a handyman too much for fixing her whirlie gig outside ... .boy oh boy , I haven’t seen her escalate like that in quite a while , but she obviously took my dad’s perfectly innocent comment as an attack and she went into full blown BPD rage . I sat and watched it happen and for the first time , everything clicked into place for me and it dawned ... .yep ... my mum definitely has BPD . Granted, a high functioning one , but witnessing her behaviors over the last couple of weeks  brought back many memories,  it did get me thinking and putting all the pieces together.
I sent an article to my wee brother entitled “ is your mum BPD “ and after reading it he replied with a “ Wow that is definitely Mum ! “.

It all makes perfect sense now and she is definitely the genetic link

Don’t get me wrong I love my mum and she’s got many good traits ,but man she’s always been a complicated and very difficult person to deal with . It all falls into place now though ! My poor dad has had quite the challenging life .

Hi Yepanotherone,

Im glad to hear that you’ve made a discovery that brings answers and orobably some questions too  :thought: It’s like the movie The Matrix and taking the red pill another world opens up you become more aware.

Hi Yep

Wow, I too hope this answers some questions for you and your brother, makes sense to you of you past and helps you in the future with all your learning over these last years. So many of us are scratching our heads, arrive here asking why.

I can't see in my side of the family, I never knew any of my grandparents, they all passed before I was three, perhaps the genetics jumped two generations? Or her father's side, I'm not going there ... .less my DD wants to discuss, find out more, besides my DD is accepting rather than finding someone to blame at this time, may change one never knows ... .

Is your DD interested in understanding her disorder. Where is she at, at this time?

WDx

Hello Yep,
This is quite a discovery. It’s got to be somewhat of a relief, too in understanding your DD. I’m imagining what it would be like to have a mum with BPD... .chaotic, unreliable and confusing. How this must have affected you and your brother.
What I so appreciate is that you see your mum’s positive qualities. As a parent, for me it’s hard to see past the BPD behaviors in my DD.

My sister and sister-in-law I suspect have udBPD. My husband and I were raised in highly emotional/disregulated homes and then went on to repeat that in our own home. So I’m figuring my DD had it in her genes as well as a home that furthered the disease. Now I’m trying to cool off, validate and not shame. My husband on the other hand is fed up, accusing, shaming and yelling. I need a holiday away from him! LOL
I’m glad things are making more sense for you in regards to your DD.

Hi guys , thanks for taking the time to respond , I fly back tomorrow to Colorado and as nice as it’s been to spend time at home , I’m ready to get back to my other home :) geez my parents are exhausting !
I have suspected my mum may be an undiagnosed BPD sufferer for the last couple of years just having done so much reading . But this trip home definitely confirmed it for me . My brother and I have had quite the bizarre upbringing at times with my mums “ oddities”. We were having a real giggle together on Saturday night regaling some stories and memories where my mum simply behaved like a fruit loop ! My mum has had treatment for her various mental health issues since she was 10 years old but the focus was always more on her phobia symptoms . The biggest one for her was a fear of sickness /vomiting and agoraphobia and those conditions were the most disabling for her . She’s also definitely been struck by the Obsessive compulsive disorder stick at various intervals in her life . I was always empathetic towards my mums various conditions and supported her , but I never quite understood or excused why she could sometimes behave in what I perceived as just plain nasty and manipulative ways . However now that I am armed with my new found knowledge and experience with BPD the pieces of the very complex jigsaw of my mum’s persona finally comes together . Eg her jealousy , paranoia and manipulative behaviors were particularly triggered whenever I got a boyfriend as a teen... .oh she would literally retreat to her room and sob her heart out if I spent any time with a boyfriends family , because she felt I was  “ abandoning my own family “ , I would get called all the names under the sun , and she did the exact same things with my brother . We would get it in the neck if we didn’t call and visit frequently , and we were constantly accused of being selfish and thoughtless and uncaring etc etc . She’s also caused huge conflict in the family to the extent my dad eventually became estranged completely from his own Mum, brother and sister and had had no contact with them for 15 years . She also fell out with her own brother and didn’t talk to him for 10 years !
I now understand this pretty much all stemmed from my mum’s insecurities and fear of being abandoned .
My poor dad has had a very very rough ride over these years . He’s more angry now and impatient with my mum being so emotionally reactive and dramatic , and he retaliates a lot of the time so it just goes back and fore between them.

There is no way I’d ever say to my mum that I think she’s BPD . She would NOT take it well and I think it would likely cause a huge rift if I was to even attempt to approach it . My brother agrees . She’s 71 now too and we wouldn’t accomplish anything at all that could be positive .

Interestingly enough , my mum knows she was a horror in her younger years !  She will often refer to how much she has changed over the years and often comments about “ just how mellow “ she’s become .
She definitely doesn’t behave in such bizarre ways now , she doesn’t rage as much as she did , and while she’s still very sensitive to critisism and over reacts to the extreme , she can back down now and has been known to apologize for her rantings :)  she was also always very proud of the fact myself and my brother “ turned out normal “  . She loves to say “ well despite everything , look at how you have both turned out , I must have done something right , and I couldn’t have been all bad!”. And actually we have ! Probably by way of a miracle ! We are both stable and successful adults and have been lucky enough to not personally go through mental health challenges .

My poor brother and his family and my dad still have to deal with my mums challenges though ... .I get to escape !
I’ve subtly been trying to explain to my dad that validation skills would work wonders in curtailing my mums tendencies to fly off the handle.

All in all , she was and still is a good mum, albeit a difficult one :) she can be very kind and she’d be there if you needed her . She’d give anyone her last penny too .

WD you asked where my daughter is with her diagnosis . We don’t talk about it very often at all these days . We did a lot at the beginning and in fact it was my DD who said to the doctor on her very first hospitalization that she though she had either bipolar or BPD.  
I don’t know how open she is about it now to her friends and acquaintances as I don’t spy on her messages etc anymore . From previous spyings , I saw that she was always very open about her conditions . I don’t know if she is still as open with new friends .
I do notice she covers up her self harm scars more often than not these days .
 

I think it’s true what they say ... that those with BPD do improve over time , partly because they burn themselves out with all the chaos and drama !  My mum is proof of that .
 

Daisy I totally hear you re the issues with your husband . It’s so very difficult and I’ve felt true disgust and utter shame and disdain with my husband for the way he’s handled some of the situations we found ourselves in . He tends to be of selfish disposition at the best of times and patience, tolerance  and empathy have never been his strong points either . He’s definitely improved though through concentrated effort ( and some ear bending from me coupled by threats if he didn’t tow the line ! :) )