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Title: Missed opportunity? Post by: Catlady3.14 on May 04, 2018, 07:39:33 PM Okay so if you have read my posts you know my husband a d I have been struggling for the last month. a lot has happened in his absence. We haven't talked about things that need to be discussed.
My kids 11 and 13 have been talking to there dad for about five months. They want to visit him. it is their choice as I can't stop them unless of course he was harmful to them. There is a whole back story to this but simply... Their dad was on hard drugs for some time and there was a period of no contact. He seems to be sober now and has a new baby. Husband brought up that his son was leaving to visit his mom on said day. I feel like that was my chance to say hey, my kids are also wanting to visit their dad but I was scared of the reaction to it and that I have tried to communicate with my ex on only a parental level. ex has not responded to me only to the kids. So there is no set dates they are leaving just an idea thrown out there. I agreed to let kids go for one week then if all is well for a month at the end of the summer. What do I do? Wait for another opportunity? Tell him I was worried about his reaction? How do I handle this? Should I wait to tell him when things are more set? Title: Re: Missed opportunity? Post by: Catlady3.14 on May 04, 2018, 11:10:10 PM quote author=Harley Quinn link=topic=324498.msg12964524#msg12964524 date=1525480974]
I'm not sure it was necessarily a test as much as him saying what he feels (which equals a fact with a pwBPD) without having any ability/empathy in that moment to recognise the impact that has on a child. Or on you. Thoughtless speech is something I've had issues with from my son's father (NPD traits) and it's very frustrating. I'm glad to hear that you maintained your boundary there on what is acceptable to say to your young son. Perhaps the fact that he moved on easily from that is an indicator that you can also remain as firm in other areas? Is it possible that you are avoiding saying something in case of a reaction that isn't guaranteed? What happens when he is angry? Do you fear his rages? Love and light x [/quote] This is my aha moment... . I do avoid saying anything to him that may cause any disagreements. Because I so desperately need to NOT fight I have told him flat out I am not fighting anymore. I will not scream and argue and call each other mean names. So far any time that has started I walk awy. Period. that is the biggest boundary for m e. But it really isn't fair to if me to decide how he is going to react is it? It's not my job. It is my job to be honest and be myself and to say what I mean. His reaction isn't guaranteed, I'm expecting every reaction to be negative and that's not good. Yes his rages have torn the house apart, torn the kids apart, security, it is detrimental. And that's terrifying, but I can't control that. |