BPDFamily.com

Hey everyone, it's been a long time since I've posted here. A year and a half ago (around December 2016) I posted here about my 4 year long BPD relationship that ended quite catastrophically. I was actually quite happy through the course of the relationship and we worked together to help her through the disorder and support eachother. Unfortunately, it would seem that the classic Identity problems caught up with her, as after moving from college she eventually came to identify with groups that didnt support monogamous relationships. You can guess how that played out.

So things moved on. After a few months of me barely being able to function, I started to dig a little ways out. I focused on my friends, hobbies, and the things that used to give me life. A few times I tried to motivate myself to follow through on online dating, and started having minor crushes at my job, but nothing of real note happened. And as for her, well... .it was always changing. Sometimes we would have weeks or months of non contact I initiated, but she always ended up contacting me. She told me she missed me, she dreamed about me, she was sorry, all the stuff you've all heard before. I saw her a few times, we would get intimate, it started to feel a bit like what it was like when we were together. But I always knew this wasn't real. I justified to myself why I was there, because she was in danger, she needed help. She overdosed on pills and went to the hospital, claimed she was being put in frightening sexual situations, was doing drugs like cocaine now, and was just kind of spiraling. Neither of us felt we were quite ready to be away from the other.  But all this time I knew there was another guy, the man she cheated on me with at the very end. They were polyamorous, so I guess he didn't care that I was around, but I knew I still did.

One of the final straws was me learning they were moving in together, but I was already trying to initiate another non-contact at the time. We met in a bar and had our fourth final talk. It was extremely hard, she had the eyes I remembered that looked like she desperately wanted me to hold her and tell her it was all going to be alright. I guess you could say I prepared for this though, we got through it. About a month or so later (now January 2018), she contacts me once again over text that she misses me a lot. Shes cutting herself in the face, the other guy keeps getting drunk every night, so on and so forth. And, you know, much like through this entire last year or so, it still felt good. She hadn't forgotten about me. This guy wasn't "the replacement". I was irreplaceable. She needs me. I knew how I sounded to myself, and I knew what I had to do, so I told her I couldn't help with any of that anymore. But I felt alright. Even if I told myself we were moving on I think I always just felt comfortable that getting back with her still just felt like an inevitability. Maybe I'd find someone else, but hey, maybe not. I had saved myself from fully accepting she was gone forever. Maybe one of the biggest signs of whats wrong is that I still feel slightly wrong posting in the failed relationships board.

The last messages she sent were mid February, she sent "I miss you. So much." To this day these words haunt me. I wanted so much to say the same things back, but I couldn't. And after about 2 months, that good feeling from before started to fade. Why hasn't she tried texting me again? Is she actually getting over me now? Is she in danger? Does she desperately want to talk to me but finally is too ashamed to try? Is it really over? After all this time, I really do feel guilty at this point that I still care this much. I was suspicious this whole time that me digging myself out was based on false hope, and now it feels like I was, at least to an extent, right. It's still nowhere near how bad it was a year ago, but it hurts. A whole side of me feels gone. There's no more drama in my life, no one to really care for or be vulnerable with. It's just... .boring.

If there's a main reason I'm here its because I feel how close I am to texting her. I start coming up with ways to tactically text her, something like "I just didn't want a last message from you like that without saying something in return", a little poke to see whats happening while telling myself I can just back out again. I know what it is though, its a fix. And at this point, I'd be using her for it.

Im just wondering why you didnt reply to her 2 months ago after her last message. Did you decide to go NC?

Yes there is an andrenaline response to dealing with the chaos, I had it all, it actually became predicable and boring in itself. I wondered sometimes what my ex was up to in the 8 months of NC, more out of curiosity than concern. I found out today, coincidently, I saw her again and curiosity kills the cat, I broke my NC pledge and had a chat with her, shes still doing the same thing, shes still alive despite losing count and sleepless nights over the years of hearing her suicide ideations. Ive spoke to a police officer who is a family friend and is soon coming to retirement and he told me his job is boring. It surprised me to hear that, but even chaos and drama can eventually just become 'noise' to those who experience it enough. Yes you get an adrenal response when the cutlery starts smashing into walls, but after it happens enough there is just a feeling of "meh, another temper tantrum", or the loud mouth from her which initially used to make me angry was just translated into "more trolling/attention seeking".

Theres not much these days that I can get an emotionally fix from and thats a good thing. Really ask yourself what are you truly missing out on, for me it was just staged performances that eventually followed the same tired script. I participated with my ex in some very reckless and at the time felt exciting escapades, yet looking back I can only but wince at the compromising situations I put myself in and feel fortunate that I got out of them unscathed, more to luck than anything else. It was good to see my ex again and show her in my mannerisms that ive matured above all that and not interested, like you say it is getting over an addiction and that takes strength and being better to yourself than wishing for chaos and disaster to punctuate times of peace and serenity.

If you went NC since February, id say that on my own experience it was early days for me and I had the same thoughts, they eventually lessened. 3 months is maybe coming to the point of thinking "if I dont contact now, then it really likely seems to be over" and maybe this is what you are feeling at the moment.

How about taking on a difficult challenge that will benefit you in the long run. I did and diverted my energy away from that toxicity. theres a big world out there, taking drugs like my ex did is a very uncreative and easy route to a short term buzz, nothing more nothing less. Once I weaned off the BPD-drug I realised how much else in life I was missing out on. Now I see my ex, still stagnating, inert, and from the way I read our conversation, just playing out the same tricks she has always done, that ultimately lead to no real fulfillment or advancement. I think your just at a vulnerable point of the mind wanting and thinking about returning to familiar old habits, if you resist the impulse, it should pass.

Thanks for the response Cromwell.

I didnt reply to her 2 months ago because it was supposed to be NC, and her saying she missed me was only going to result in me flirting with how to basically say the same thing back without actually saying it.

Its true, you raise a good point about how the chaos starts to become boring itself. Thats one of the "final straws" that happened, the cycle became to repetitive I could predict too accurately what would happen next. Its good to keep that in mind.

That being said, I guess I dont fully believe it was the chaos I was addicted to. I know I have somewhat of a savior complex, and just the sheer intimacy and want to be there for her is what I feel I am the most addicted to. A more comfortable contentness then a 24/7 high energy drama show, thats what the relationship was more characterized by. But I guess thats not really what I was getting ever since the breakup, I think it was the slight remembrance it brought back and the feeling like it would all fully return some day is what I was chasing.

Roomer all I can say wow! How were you even able to see her again? All I can think about at the moment is detaching in a healthy way and going NC. I plan on changing the locks and changing my phone number once she moves out and I am so terribly addicted to her that I must practice strict NC. Do you feel like you took a big step backwards? I wish I could fast forward a year, the pain is really intense right now.

Hey Sparky  

I remember what it was like all too well a year ago, my heart goes out to you. I hope my post doesnt sound too concerning for the future, I promise it will get a lot better overtime, even if everything is not completely healed. I remember thinking back then that I just had to make it to this magical 1 year later marker and everything would be fine. Well, I guess it wasn't a surprise, but it was all gradual. Don't feel too overwhelmed from a year sounding too far away. You may make progress today, tomorrow, next week, next month, etc. For me, a big change happened once I finally got my old gaming computer back running, and I felt a lot more like myself that night. So for now, dig in, now is a time of enduring, but eventually the good days will come.

As for me, it was hard seeing her again and as a result I try hard to avoid it now. In regards to my current situation I dont think I've taken a step backwards, I'm just dealing with a stage I've been putting off. Interacting with her over the last year has both given me some closure while also probably delaying true detatchment. I try not to dwell too much on it and focus more on whats the best play right now. Things went how things went. I'm only human. I try not to beat myself up too much, its all been a lot to handle.

Thank you for the encouragement! Be peaceful and well my friend.
  back at ya!

-Sparky