BPDFamily.com

IT IS FINISHED

Alone  in my room; with the door locked, I'm free.
I crack the door open, but escape is futility;
The trade off is fine for tonight.
But the morning comes, with no end in sight
To the despair.
How long till the end? Do I still even care?

Invisible people are talking, repeating the same
Tired expressions of dissatisfaction with my soul.
Days become years as my eyes grow darker,
As the light slips away, I become increasingly cold.
Demons disguised as angels
Waiting, waiting, waiting.
Talking, talking, talking, but nothing is said:
Years of conversation that are tiringly old
And which must finally come to an end.

No tears of bitterness; no tears of regret
Only torment of what should be, but never was.
What might have been, but now can never be.
The road seems lonely as dreams fade, then die
And all that is left is remorse drifting into timeless eternity.

Life is but a fading vapor: dead eyes show the pain.
The torment, the despair are constant companions.
No peace, no quiet, no solitude, no comfort.
The locked room is now a prison without a key,
Which the jailer tantalizingly dangles, but that too is illusory.

Death come quickly; do you care any how?
Betrayed? Not by me! Your betrayal is merely
An illusion just like the key that locks me here forever more.
Where will this end? Who can predict the final score?
You want me to stay? But you can never let it go!
So I wallow here in despair, praying for a cure,
Knowing it shall never be so.

I'm told there is hope for the hopeless, comfort for those in pain;
But when the pain is caused by one so close, where is he amidst the strain?
Perhaps the cross stands at the end of the road; 
But I am not he nor can I be!
I know where I'm going but to go there seems only hypocrisy.
Sadly a lifetime of love, heartache and pain ends in lonely misery
Just like being locked in this room for all eternity.

The room is in my head, do you actually hold the key?
Life is just an illusion without you beside me,
Which shall now never be.

26 years with a BPD, now 4 years NC. Written a month before I escaped.

Hi Hopeless777,

Well, they say great pain can produce great art and I think you've hit on that here. Bravo! Impressive piece of writing!

May I ask how you are feeling inside these days? I see you here on Conflicted or Just Tolerating, but four years out I think Learning may be where you could best give and receive support?

What have you learned in these four years about your relationship that you'd like to impart to others?

with compassion, pearl.

After 4 years NC, perhaps you've got more hope than your posting name indicates.  Perhaps a re-name is in order?   
I hope that you are healing and dealing.

Hopeless, you write well of the futility of being in a RS with a pwBPD.

I like your ending:  "26 years with a BPD, now 4 years NC. Written a month before I escaped."

I am really understanding this myself.  After twenty years with a BPD H, I am seeing the futility of SETing.  Nothing is sinking in.

The pain has lessened over the years, but the scars have yet to fade.