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Hello I recently broke up with my ex gf who has BPD. The biggest concern and issues I have are, how do you get over the obvious lying the she does? I’ve caught this girl and had actual proof and she lied  also I’ve cycled with her and I really don’t want to cycle again. I’ve been reading about this recently online and it looks like no contact is the way to go, thoughts?

Hello there Apostate,

I'd like to send you greetings!   and welcome to the boards.

I'm sorry that you've been lied too and that you've been "cycled" before in this relationship. Before responding to your situation, could you perhaps share in detail a little more as to what happened? For example, how long were you in this relationship prior to breaking up, how many "recycle" attempts were made etc. Just a little short background would be fine.

That would greatly help us in having a better understanding of your overall situation and how should you respond and expect should you pursue no contact with your ex-partner.

Spero.

 
Apostate,

My undiagnosed BPD lover lied often and badly.  One should think practice makes perfect right?  I have a lot of intellectual curiosity as to what was true and what was not -but it is just that... .intellectual curiosity... . 

I don't know if this helps you any, but my ex seemed to have no control over her emotional state whatsoever.  When she loved me she loved me utterly, when she was raging she hated me with every ounce of her being.  Both of these states were completely real to her in the moment. 

If she drank I believe she would literally forget about us.  When she cheated on us I don't believe there was any malice -she had just forgotten.

So with someone who can not control her emotions, much less understand them how can I expect to sort out where and when she lied to me?  Her world had some incredible darkness in it.  She had used cutting in the past to get some relief.   Under times of extreme duress she suffered from auditory and visual hallucinations.  To me it felt like she lives her life with one foot in a fantasy world and the other foot lightly resting in reality. 

It took me some time, but I decided what was true and what was not does not matter --it is academic. 

Don't misunderstand.  I adored her and leaving her was the single most difficult decision I have ever made, but leave I did.


Wicker Man

Hi Apostate,

*welcome*

I'd like to join Spero and Wicker Man and welcome you to bpdfamily. I'd also like to echo Spero NC is not a hard and fast rule, can you give us your backstory?

As you can see members here can relate with you and offer you guidance and support, you're not alone.

thanks for your response! We got together in the middle of 2014. We have had lots of fights but have probably cycled at least 3-4 times. I didnt realize she had BPD, it was only recently that i figured this out because her mother contacted me and told me she was diagnosed with this when she was a teenager. I always felt that her mother had something she wanted to tell me but didnt. Since I have this info its been easier to shut her out, but we still communicate from time to time.

The overall back story is the first year in a half things werent too bad, we still had lots of fights over what were silly things in my mind and then some serious issues we had to deal. Then at the end of 2016 we had a big fight one day and she ending up physically assaulting me. Im a pretty big guy so it wasnt like I was hurt, but then she started punching herself in the face and cut her self open from it. i knew she cut herself and i was worried she would say i did this to her or hurt herself worse after she ran out of the house. so i called the police and she was arrested although i didnt press charges.

We ended up getting back together a few weeks later after she found out i was becoming involved with someone else. Then I allowed her to pressure me into proposing, however I became suspicious that she was seeing someone else. we werent fighting anymore hardly but we werent close either, we basically felt like roommates. Sure enough in May of 2017 i did some spying after months of questioning, and it turned out i was right about everything. The crazy thing is the night i confirmed she was still lying and actually lied when i had the audio proof in my hand. We tried to get back together but i am a pretty vengeful guy so I only did this to get her back. i ended sleeping with 3-4 women and didnt try to hide it. everytime she found out she would want to sleep with me and cut them off. We have technically been broken up since end of 2017 but we still hookup here and there.

I have been looking at this quote a lot the last few days.  It is from an old movie called "War Games"

 --A strange game. The only winning move is not to play. How about a nice game of chess?

I chose to remove myself from our relationship out of self preservation.  I adored her, but felt down deep she would have been my undoing.

My ex was just coming out of a near catatonic bought of dysphoria and in a moment of the most sincere love and honesty she told me "You must leave me -I will destroy you".

She knew her nature and she understood mine.  I would have moved heaven and earth to help her and she, for her part, would have consumed me.  . 

I have considerable resources, emotional, physical and financial --They all would have exhausted if I had allowed our relationship to continue.  I truly believe my relationship would have ended life as I know it.

Take care of yourself.


Wicker Man

Yea and that’s the hard part for me. Not playing feels like quitting and I hate quitting because quitting feels like losing. I see your point though, either way I’m going to lose. And I also get the other point you made the truth is what it is and I’ve often wondered if she actually just doesn’t have the ability to see what she does. I’m any case I guess no contact and moving on is probably best for her and myself.

Thanks

As long as you’re hooking up and are still intimate in some way you’ll always have her hook in you and you’ll be in a mental battle with yourself. I longed to have my ex’s affection back and my heart sunk every time I saw her. It was hard but I made myself go NC for a while , I still felt like crap but I can now see her and say hello and not feel like I want her back. In fact I look at her now and think “thank f*ck she moved on”.

My advice.

1. Stop having sexual contact with her
2. Stop calling/texting her
3. Do not check her social media
4. Let her move on to the next victim
5. Be single and love the freedom for a while and try to keep yourself busy.

My ex gets in contact randomly from time to time, usually with “I’m sorry” texts but this is usually when her new relationships have problems. I use generic statements and I do not get sucked into emotional drama any more.

Ask yourself. Is her abuse towards you a loving relationship? Can you stand the stress, anger and sadness and still be happy? Will she change? The answer should be hell no! You’re worth more and deserve someone that won’t abuse you . Be single for now. Enjoy freedom and taste the relief that comes with it.

My ex would lie too and when confronted with evidence otherwise, would just dismiss it and change the subject. She was unable to ever admit any fault or mistake.

Most recently, my ex slept with her ex boyfriend because she felt I wasn't committed enough to her. She took zero blame and instead of understanding I was hurt, mocked and belittled me for being upset. That's just the kind of person she is.

“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”

― Maya Angelou