Print Page - Learning about BPD through my breakup. Making it work in future advice?

This is a very very long story so thank you to anyone who takes the time to read it all

In January, my girlfriend of 10 months broke up with me after weeks of her saying she couldn't be bothered anymore and ultimately her checking my phone to see messages about my upset I'd exchanged with someone she feels personally attacked by. She said she'd never forgive me and that was that, she moved back away for uni. Few weeks later she was saying I love you again, then later told me I needed space to move on and be with someone else because I've only ever been with her and she always says I can't know she's the one with no comparison. So we didn't speak at all for a month as I told her I couldn't do friends. Until I got an unexpected call from her saying a family member had died and she'd be home a week early and she wanted to decide whether or not she wanted me at the funeral. I said I'd be there for her no matter what.
We went to a concert the next week with her best friend/ex and we barely spoke, she was being awfully physically close with him. Something that bothered me throughout our relationship. Next day we had an argument about it, she said I made no effort and was on my phone the whole time and I said that's because I felt like a third wheel. She said there was no us so she wasn't making me jealous and again told me to move on and get the f over it because she had already, and that there was some guy she had a chance at a healthy relationship with. That really cut me because our relationship was unhealthy predominantly due to her actions and unpredictable mood swings. A couple of days later I found out she'd attended the funeral with a friend of hers and I sent her and her mum a message of support and in reply to me she said thanks but after hearing I'd messaged her mum, she told me to stop being horrible to her and causing arguments. I almost cut her off at that point and didn't even reply. I just didn't speak to her at all. That message and hearing she had her eyes on someone else after telling me to move on was just torture in my head and I ended up sleeping with a friend a couple of times no strings to fill a void or get her off my mind. Few weeks later I left her an upset drunk voicemail and the next day she told me what I'd said, told me she was having a hard few weeks, we talked I asked her about this guy and she gave me a little background info she thought he liked her but wasn't sure etc then we ended up casually talking from that point on like acquaintances.

Almost 5 months from jan when she's home for the holidays she tells me she misses me and to please come out for her birthday (that she previously didn't want me to attend) and later sends me this big drunk paragraph saying she still loves me she has the whole time, she was being dumb before the breakup and never really fell out of love, she doesn't know why she mentioned some other guy it was nothing and she wants to try again and be better this time (the relationship was very turbulent before as you can imagine). I was overjoyed but also scared of her hurting me and stringing me along again. (I always knew she had some sort of mental struggle but still wasn't aware of BPD at this point). She asked me about the rumours she heard about me and some boy and I told her what had happened as I didn't feel like lying was the way. She got really upset about it and called me names said I was cruel etc and I was shocked. Then she calmed down and saw my point of view and told me she was sorting herself out and going to seek help and she suspected she has BPD. I looked it up and she seems to fit the criteria and suddenly so many things about her behaviour started to make sense. She ended up flipping a switch and getting angry and calling me names again, got into a big argument she said it would've been better if I had feelings for him and I did it to hurt her I said I was single and she told me to move on and to bear in mind she kissed someone else whilst still in a relationship with me - the main reason why I was so hurt by her anger at me because I didn't do anything wrong.
We met up a few days later and everything was fine and she pulled out all the stops to get my guard down, but any time we spoke/met up after that, she would keep throwing in my face what I did when we broke up and getting mad about it. Then I found out she was messaging the guy and throwing wild accusations at him which was really embarrassing and upset him. I told her that if she wanted us to work then she couldn't keep throwing it in my face like I don't throw her mistakes in her face and for time she'd oblige but then she'd get angry again and say it's all she can think about.

Before going back, the last time I thought I'd see her, she asked me to be with her again but not to answer yet. That night I sent her a message saying it's ok to take that back if she isn't ready (because I could sense she'd take it back soon and it would hurt) and she said if she took it back she wouldn't have a claim on me and I could get with him again, then again she thinks if we were together she's not ready and she'd hurt me. I went to see her the next day to try and establish what we should do before she leaves again and it didn't get far. She basically told me people that hurt her get cut off and the only person that stays that means everything to her is her ex/best friend because he stuck by her no matter how many people he could've gotten with after how badly she treated him/how long she ignored him and acts like none of that ever happened. I pointed out that she dated other people while he doted on her and she didn't care and asked if that's what she expected me to do (I knew she wanted to cut me off and basically treat me like him, but expect me to remain loyal to her in the meantime). To watch her fall for other people in the hope that she'd eventually come back to me and she said no she just wanted to point out that I'd upset her by saying they're too close. But I only meant physically. You'd think they were in a relationship when you look at them together, there's no healthy boundary and it was uncomfortable to see but she said that's the way they'd always been. Anyway it all ended up with her getting majorly upset, telling me we were nothing, that I'm so cruel for intentionally hurting her while she was grieving, it was something she'd do but even she's not that cruel, calling me names, shouting and crying and eventually kicking me out and telling me never to speak to her or come near her again. My friends for months had been telling me to block her and move on and I refused because I loved her but that was the last straw for me. I went to block her on instagram only to find out she'd beaten me to it and had blocked me on all social media and she texted me saying she'd block my number after I returned one of her possessions. That really hurt. It's like I'm the one who deserved to cut her out of my life on countless occasions but I forgave all of her sorrys yet she couldn't offer me the same courtesy. And worse, she'd told me her ex is the most forgiving person she knew and I wasn't even close.

I tried to reason with her when I was calmer and explain my state of mind when I did what I did but she got angrier and told me she'd spend her life hurting me and that she wasn't going to get help anymore and I had to live knowing it was my fault. I returned her stuff the next day and she still hadn't blocked my number. I got a note in the post with something indicating that she had hurt herself and saying are you happy now? And that she had the upper hand and there was more up her sleeve. I told her I got the note and she said she loves me and wants to be with me so much but she's scared I'll hurt her and that I make her hurt herself. We spoke for a few days I told her I'd never have done it if I thought she wanted me at all and she tried to say she'd hinted at it. She said sorry for lashing out and kicking me out of her house. I told her it was scary. She said sorry I saw her like that, it's not often. I told her that maybe it's best me being out of her life so she can find someone else and be happy but she said she couldn't be happy it was too late and that she only wanted me. Then we had general chit chat after she said she still loves me. Then I asked her if she really wanted me out of her life and she said I don't know I don't think so but I need space. So I told her to still consider getting help and that I was sorry but now I am giving her space. Zero contact. (I won't see her for at least two months since she's back at uni).

Since then I've spoken with a psycotherapist for advice on coping and read 3 books. I have a much deeper understanding of BPD in general so I can see why she's cut me off but I just figured she'd have given in by now. I guess I hurt her real bad. All my friends told me I haven't done anything wrong (I started to believe I had and that I was a bad person but I know the truth now) and to leave her to sort herself out but I don't think they understand how troubled she is. I have many methods of coping with someone with BPD that need to be put into practice. I realise that throughout my knowing her, I've basically been reinforcing her behaviour, but also that I'm quite often a trigger for her outburts. I don't want to upset her. When things are normal, she's amazing and everything is perfect. But when she gets triggered, which is more often than not, it's so bad. Upon doing my research, I'm torn. I told her that I'm not giving up on her. Is it a good idea to take a relationship off the table indefinitely and work on our friendship when she wants contact again? (Bear in mind she says she can't be friends with me as I can be with who I want and it hurts too much but who knows if she gets over me). How would I address the issue of the guy I slept with, I know she won't drop it. Basically where do I go from here other than working on myself? I can't stop thinking about her and I need a bit of direction on keeping her in my life.

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Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup => Topic started by: AnonP on May 08, 2018, 11:44:02 AM