Print Page - Hey, I guess. | Introduction Post and Explanation

Hey, I guess. I don't really know how to start introduction posts, especially on a topic this serious, so forgive me if any of this sounds dumb or stupid. I'm keeping my name anonymous just in case my mom finds out about this, so instead I'd prefer if you call me Polkuio or Coati, for safety's sake. I've decided to join this site after reading through half of The Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook because I won't be able to have this book for that long(my friend is loaning it to me from her therapist) and I want to be able to have a support system through my situation. Currently, I'm 16, going on 17 next month. I'm a junior in high school with okay grades, I guess, and I'm working to become an animator at a private school in my city. I'm asexual and go by she/her or they/them pronouns, but I don't usually bring it up to many people in my family because they don't look at that kind of stuff fondly. I currently live with my mom(who's divorced), my little brother(12 years old and adorable), and my grandpa, who recently broke his leg and is honestly not doing the best. We have another house, so we don't have to live with my grandpa, but we live with him because we've been taking care of him for a while. My grandma died last year. Things have been kind of hectic since then.

If that sounds normal, that's really where the normalcy stops, in my case. I'm pretty sure my mom might have BPD. I don't know exactly, because she honestly views mental illness as a major weakness and doesn't ever think she could have anything like that. My mom is abrasive, manipulative, constantly criticizes me and seems to switch between being a loving mother and the judge/jury/executioner. Nothing I do pleases her. If I get a C in class I'm suddenly the worst, most selfish person to exist, and any homework I have is looked over in extreme scorn. She looks through my belongings and my phone, and she even goes as far to say that I do not deserve the same respect as her, essentially stepping all over my feelings whenever she wants to. I have to hide my true thoughts and feelings from her to try and keep her from blowing up. In my recent high school years I've been experiencing constant chronic pain in my joints, which worries me a lot, but every time I try to talk to her about it she gets mad at me and refuses to take me to a doctor or makes it into a big deal. She doesn't seem to believe I have anything at all. When I talk to others about this, they don't understand why I haven't been taken to see a doctor, and my friends seem to be tired of hearing my complaints about everything my mother does. Every tiny criticism she makes has grown onto me like weeds, and even being in her presence fills me with both fear and a scramble to try and please her. I feel completely out of control. In addition to my chronic pain, I see myself manifesting some of her same traits, with irritability and low self esteem to boot from what could possibly be severe depression.

I've lived with all of this my entire life, and while emotional abuse is present, I can't come to my school or anyone else about it because I do not have evidence of it. At the same time, she would be infuriated if she found out that I felt this way, and so I can't talk to her about it or get her to try and find help. She's already infuriated that I'd even insinuate that I might have depression, and seems to be in absolute denial over it as if it was a personal offense towards her. I understand why she feels this way because in some ways I am constantly on edge and doubting myself just like her, but it's BECAUSE of her. She is the source of this, and while I know there is no chance of her changing her behavior I am sick and tired of it. I'm terrified because I don't want me or my brother to end up like this, and I'm terrified that she'll never let me go to live my own life away from her patterns.

I'm a good kid. I don't do drugs, I don't have sex, I don't treat her like trash like some of the kids at school do towards their parents or emotionally abuse her like she does me. I take care of the pets and do my best to take care of the house, but none of that is enough for her. It seems like she feels like she is inadequate and shoving it on me, but I can't do anything about it because I'm busy trying to keep myself emotionally sound! It's horrible. I just need a place to ground myself, a place to talk with others and a place to escape from my mom. I'm done running from this, and I need a way to keep this household from breaking down until I can move out after graduation this year. My brother will still have to live with her for the next few years and since she won't get help, there's got to be somewhere I can go to for this that doesn't threaten either my future or my brother's.

I'll probably be back to respond later-- right now I'm on a school computer and I'm trying to learn matrices in my least favorite class. If you have any advice, questions, or just want to talk with me that'd be awesome. I want to make friends here so I can figure out what I should do that will help.

Thank you for reading, and I hope all of you have a good day.

BPDFamily.com

Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD => Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD => Topic started by: Polkuio on May 11, 2018, 11:35:12 AM