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Hello, friends. I’ve been struggling recently with the split between my Son’s mother and I. I feel like I’ve taken a huge step in the wrong direction in my healing and moving forward. I understand that the grieving process isn’t linear, but I feel really awful lately. I feel like it may very well be possible that the hurt that I’m feeling and the demise of our relationship is all on me. I feel like I should’ve done so much differently. Mainly listening and trying to communicate better. I feel like I’ve let everyone down. Everyone being S3, her D8 and her. Our little family. The burden of this mindset is heavy.

I’ve read several testimonies of members utilizing the tools that are available here and how they have been very helpful for them and that is a good thing. I’ve read the material as well. While reading it, it makes complete sense to me. The problem is that I haven’t yet grasped the advice and proven research that is available. I feel very stuck at this point. I don’t know if I’m just not ready to move on yet, or if I’m unable to grasp the information and research that is available and use it for my own good.

I want to feel better. I want to be well more than anything. More than money, possessions or materials. I just want to feel better. I hope that there is some advice out there. I’m sure there is. This is a great place.

Hey JNChell,

 

Please be gentle with yourself. I don't believe in taking a "wrong" direction in your healing. You're right, it's not a linear process and I'm sorry you're feeling so awful. I wish there was something I could say to take it away, and I know you feel that way when others are struggling on here.

Would it help to get more of it out? Would it help to be distracted? You talked about reading the tools here - what has and hasn't worked for you?

I know I struggle with rationally understanding something and not emotionally understanding it sometimes. That's ok. But, I get it, it absolutely sucks. It's so important not to judge yourself at this point. Most people can rationally understand something they're learning, like how to drive a car or ride a bike - but you don't get it until you "get it" per se, and it takes time to feel comfortable with it and do it effortlessly. I feel like the tools on here are very similar.

If I remember right, you have a strong sense of loss for your family falling apart and your ex doesn't seem to be on the same page, even though she has reached out with mixed signals. Is that correct?

Let us know what would help right now and we'll be here. Ramble if you need to.

It is normal that you are suffering over the recent break up with your son's mother. When we are in a painful relationship, we do everything we can to survive, which can often make it more difficult to feel the pain. Once the relationship is over, then all the bad feelings are free to surface, and the distress and ruminating can be overwhelming. You are courageous in facing your uncomfortable feelings and leaving a relationship that at one time felt so good. Give yourself time to grieve, possibly setting aside some 30 minutes a day to just sit with the uncomfortable feelings which will allow you to process the feelings, so they aren't so uncomfortable in the moment and will not linger as unresolved and interfering with moving on to a more fulfilling life. When you start to ruminate, try to calmly name the feelings that are surfacing and share these feelings with others, including posting here.
With time, you will feel better though there will probably always be some uncomfortable feelings, as it hurts more when the person who hurt us is unable to help us heal the hurt. Take care, and post whenever you feel like you need to. We are her to listen and we care. Many of us who post on this site are or have been in similar situations to yours. Some of us are still working on healing, and others have faced their pain and are now leading happier lives than they even though would be possible.

Hi JNChell,

I don't have much advice to offer since I am in very much the same place as you right now.  I have not yet taken the leap off that cliff of initiating divorce (still trying to line up plans with my L), but it's coming very soon.  Meanwhile, I spend so much time questioning myself.  How did I get here?  Why can't I "go back" to the (unrealistically idealized) way things were and just "get over" all the turmoil and emotional manipulation?

Just recently, my uBPDw made a comment that caused my inner voice to scream "martyr" and within an hour I was questioning myself saying maybe I'm the one playing martyr.   I was reading about cognitive distortions as it pertains to people with BPD, and then turned around and started questioning whether maybe my situation is the result of my own cognitive distortions.  It's  exhausting and really confusing.

As far as dealing with this, it's a struggle for me.  I'm a pretty rational person and have my own issues with emotion in general (identifying, understanding, and processing).  So I cling to the rational understanding of my situation, and continue trying to work through the emotional side with my T.  And I keep coming here... .

You're not alone.  Keep sharing, and we'll keep listening.  Maybe some of your experience will help others like me as well.

mw

Hey JNChell,

I'm sorry that you are feeling awful. Breaking up is so difficult, and when there are children involved, the feelings of loss, guilt, and responsibility are compounded.

Like others have said, I hope you'll be gentle with yourself.   I agree with zachira:  I've found that one of the most powerful practices that has helped me in my life has been learning to feel my feelings without judgment. To just sit with them and breathe. Or cry it out, whatever. Giving myself the time and attention that I need. (Some people imagine/visualize all these feelings as little children crying out to be acknowledged and accepted.)

I'm not suggesting that it's necessary to go there :) , but making space to feel (without running tons of stories in the head) can help a lot, in my experience. It's not easy, but really worth it.

How are you feeling today?

heartandwhole

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling this way.  I know it may be hard to, but try to view every step (whether forwards or backwards) as being one towards ultimately feeling better.  Sometimes we must move back in order to come forwards and this all takes time.  It's OK to feel remorse for example, if that is what you are feeling, or any other emotion that comes up - as uncomfortable as it is.  

Our instinct can be to find a way to make that stop and it took me a long time (pretty much all my life up until the last year or so) to begin to accept that this feeling is just something I need to feel right now.  Previously I'd fight to ignore/deny it to myself or would push it right down and cover it over as best I could.  That wasn't the best way to go, as I'm finding out in therapy.  I know you've practised sitting with your emotions.  How has that been going for you?

Anything you need to talk over or just vent about, we will listen.  What are you finding hardest right now and what type of support do you feel will be most helpful for you?

Love and light x

Hi JNChell,

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so down.  You are worried that the relationship problems are all on you.  The very nature of relationships means an interchange between both people in the relationship.  It's not all on either one of you.

As others have said, it helps to feel the feelings (in the lesson on the right - acknowledge your feelings and work with them) and sometimes I journal about what I am feeling.  Sometimes I choose a song to listen to that goes with those feelings.  It helps me to know that some of my feelings are/have been felt by many, many others.  I am not alone in my feelings.  What do ypu think can aid you in processing your feelings?

Also, in the lessons, "become  aware of what has been useful".  For myself, I have learned to set boundaries, not perfectly, but I am getting better at it.  It has helped me in my other relationships, as well.  What has been useful in your journey?  What can you take away that will help you to heal?


You deserve to be treated with compassion.  Be compassionate with yourself.  Have you been practicing self care?  What do you do to be good to yourself?

You want to feel better and to be well.  That is important.  Intention to heal is a necessary step.

In my experience, it takes time.  Don't be hard on yourself, or try to rush it.  A worthwhile goal - healing - is worth time and effort.

Looking forward to hearing how you are doing.  Peace and blessings, Mustbe

JNChell,

Being in a similar place as you seem to be here, I can't offer up any advice. I think you're entitled to, and probably even have to, feel what you feel as a way through it... .or as a way to reaching acceptance. I think the tendency for those of us here is to turn over every rock looking for answers as to why our relationship with our pwBPD exploded, if there is/was anything different we can and should do, and if not how we can avoid it from happening again.

My brain goes round and round trying to latch onto something based in reality as to why my entire life is upside down right now as a result of all the damage STBx caused in my life. I don't look back and think there was anything I could have done expertly to keep everything from imploding, especially Mainly listening and trying to communicate better, because I am human and there are limits as to my abilities to figure out and act in accordance with the rules of engagement with my pwBPD.

The rules were always changing, and I adjusted the best I could to them, and still it wasn't enough. And even if I was still actively engaged in the dance, what was the endgame? A lifetime of servitude to someone I would always have to be worried about up and leaving me on a whim? What about me? What about my needs? Why would I want to invest my life in that one-way street? For the possibility that every once in a while I will receive a crumb of attention, affection, or reciprocity?

What makes it worse for me, and what seems to be my source of anger right now, is that I didn't necessarily do anything wrong, yet my STBx still decided to turn her back on me, her kids, her pets, and the life we had without any chance to work with me.

JNChell, I am sorry for what you're going through. Just remember, it takes two to tango. One person can't do it all in a marriage.

J

Hi JNChell,

Just wanted to drop by and say we are thinking of you and are here for you!

Looking forward to hearing your next update!

warmly, pearl.

I should be back on the boards as a regular part of my routine again relatively soon. Been super busy. I’ll try to post this weekend.