BPDFamily.com

Hi my wife who has Asperger's is very attracted to a guy at work who has BPD. She wants him as a friend maybe with benefits. At 2 work parties he has been all over her affectionately and romantically but never sexually and she did tell him that it wasn't appropriate and he should go home to his girlfriend but she confided in me that she liked the closeness that he gave which she has only had with me before. He also at times has been hugging her at work and wants to be close to her and will stare at her. On other occasions he has been ignoring her and can display anger at her if she tries to be friendly back. As she has high functioning Asperger's she misses emotional cues from him and she is not overly affectionate. After he had been treating her badly over the last month I told her to ignore him and go on with your own life which has now made him friendly with her again.
I am a very supportive husband and ( I know this may sound strange) would like her to develop her friendship with him. Does any one have any tips on how she can do this.     

Hi kabwell,

*welcome*

Interesting question here. May I ask, why is it that you want your wife to develop this friendship with someone who apparently has some interest in her (and vice versa) beyond friendship? This about you being supportive of her you say? Do you and your wife not have intimacy in your relationship and you are trying to "outsource" this to someone else? Or you are in an open relationship?

It's not "strange", per se, if you two have agreed to this in your relationship, but can you explain just a bit more... .And if neither you nor your wife have BPD... .The idea here is that you want your wife to be attracted to this man who happens to have BPD? How do you know this person has BPD? Do you also know him? Even if you are okay with your wife having side interests, so to speak, do you think it's a good idea for it to be a person who seems to be aggressive with her and unfriendly at times?

I'm not here to judge. All kinds of relationships are possible between consenting adults. I just think understanding your reasoning here, and the framework of your relationship, could make for a more informed response.

with compassion, pearl.

Hi I am supportive because she cannot make close friends and this guy is one that she seems to have some connection with. Having aspergers she believes that a sexual relationship for her is ok if its only that. (shes never gone through with that idea though )She is obsessed with him and i believe if she gets to know him better she will see that hes not for her. We both know this guy and he has BPD. I would say agressive is not the right word, mabe cold and uncaring at times when she has been more friendly than normal but if it is the other way around he treats her like a goddess. We do have intamacy. My wife is very beautiful and gets hit on constantly but has never been interested in anyone until she met him. She thinks she can help him with his problems and would be a good friend for him as he has few friends. I also believe she would be a good friend for him but his pull push games are hurtful to her yet the more he does it the more stronger her feelings are

Hi kabwell,

All okay here?   

Looking forward to hearing from you again!

Checking in, pearl.

Hi yes but was hoping for more replies. I need to know why he keeps pulling and pulling her. It seems the more he does the more her feelings for him grow but is also getting her depressed.
regards kabwell

Hi kabwell, Perhaps if you can answer a few of my initial questions more people will reply. Not to worry! There are a lot of post on here - people will show up! More details tend to garner more responses - people just need an “in”.

warmly, pearl.

kabwell,

You mentioned that you believe that she will eventually figure out that he is not for her.  Just to make sure that I'm dialed in, where are you hoping that this will go long term?  A learning experience for her and then the relationship with him ends?  A long term platonic friendship?  Something else?

If I may ask a personal question, are you on the spectrum yourself?  It's not uncommon for us to have members on the spectrum, and understanding the member's situation is always helpful in providing the best feedback.

WW

Hi kabwell,

My apologies! I didn't see that you had posted a reply to me within your message! It mushed my quote and your reply together. I see a Moderator has fixed that now!

I am interested to hear how you feel about her having this relationship? And what will happen if it goes well? And what will happen if it sours? (Because it seems to me it will affect you greatly in any case.) Is there a way this situation meets your needs or will you be hurt by it? Or both? Neither?

take care, pearl.