BPDFamily.com

I wrote about my story on this forum a few months ago.

After a year of strange contact with my BPD female friend (no romatic r/s), I banned her out of my life four weeks ago, having a new phone number. i live 180 miles away from her.

I do have a certain question. I met her at a place that she's been going to for about 15 years, as she told me.
I've going to this place (lounge/bar/ and club on Saturdays) for about 10 years by now, on a pretty regular basis when travelling on business in that area.

Even last year, I visited this place when we were at NC. I don't want to miss going there because I know some people there and it#s usually a lot of fun.
However, I met her by accident in late January 2018 (I told her to be there on that particular day in December). She placed herself in a position 6 feet away from me to make her be seen by me. We stared at each other for never ending minutes without a word, she took a big breath and came to my table - not really any talk - just staring.

my question to you is, if I ever see her again at this place, what would be the best to do. I do not want to talk to her, that's for sure.
I'm aware of the risk, that she would probably try to play her game again and trigger me, which I want to avoid, by just not looking at her and ignoring her.

In any case, I know it would be best to completely avoid going to this place.

But what would be a smart and wise behaviour on my side?
Thanks

The advantage you have is that you are prepared mentally for the strong likelihood of it happening, so it should come as a shock.

Try to sit or keep yourself in a part of the bar that you are able to see everything, including the main entrance and exits. If she should enter, i assume its a big enough and busy enough place with other patrons, you might have the opportunity to leave quietly before she notices you are there in the first place. Id say this is the best scenario.

If she does happen to confront you, just make some polite excuse that you were just leaving and dont have any time. Try not to justify it with any false story that she might see as a weakness.

Id find it almost impossible to be in the same location as my ex and just try to ignore her for the rest of the event, it would be uncomfortable to say the least, if there is no intention to communicate with her and you dont absolutely have to remain there, the sensibe thing I believe is to leave to go to another bar with as little confrontation as possible.

Walk up to her , say it’s nice to see you again ,kiss her cheek and tell her to enjoy her night and walk away .You initiated,controlled ,and ended all in one swing and then enjoy your night there.Dont leave ? Then she wins and you lose to the power she has over you.

In my head I played both scenarios, Cromwell's and yours.
Actually I would feel better with yours. I'm a lot stronger than her, she knows that.
I'll be back in her city in June and I'll see if she happens to there too.

MyBPD_friend, this is probably one of the top 5 questions asked on this board... .what to do if you encounter the "ex" in public. Generally the advice is to rehearse a "safe" response in your head before you ever go, because when it happens, you may have emotions flooded in and it will be hard to think.

Walking up and kissing someone is not a "safe" plan. What if your are touching her and her new 6'6" boyfriend returns from the bar with drinks, or just a friend she met five minutes earlier. You might find yourself in a lose/lose situation - and it's not a situation a bartender, bouncer, or policeman is going to side with you on.

If you ended it, then my idea of "safe" whould be that you

don't embarrass yourself or run don't touch or violate her space and don't get into a relationship/personal discussion.

If you are within voice range, give her a simple acknowledgement and smile ("Tracy, hey, hi" and go back to what you were doing). If she comes over and says "how are you doing, meet Jason, my fiancee", shake hands, introduce yourself/your friends, and say something favorable about the venue, tell them "nice meeting/seeing you, enjoy the show". Stand tall, be confident. Don't linger, don't look like you are ready for a conversation, don't be rude/dismissive.

Just practicing this in your mind will help you resolve some of your feeling about her and it will help make your time there more comfortable.

Both Cromwell and Shawnlam had contact with their ex's in the last few days... .you might want to read up on that.  :)

Hi Skip, Thanks a lot for your input.
Yes, I know there are a few members struggeling with exes and beeing in contact again, even in a personal set.

I do believe your description and advise how to handle a possible situation of meeting again speaks of much experience. I wouldn't consider giving her a kiss or anything like that. She is a quiet BPD woman, I don't think she would get in an aggressive rage, she'ld rather leave or start crying.
She is also not the one who would initiate a talk or conversation about frienship/relationship - she's been avoiding this talk since I know her.

Reading a few storoes here on this board of Cromwell, Shawnlam, Struggler 123 and Veryconfuseduk32, I can much relate to them.
My ex BPD friend is one of the extreme emotional manipulators and very very toxic, I'm aware of the risk seing her again.
She's capable of manipulating people with just her eyes, that's how we met.

The good thing is, I've read a lot and learned a lot of very simular and familiar stories.
The best of all is, I understand her actions and what they mean, I was extremely on alert when I suddenly saw her three months ago.
By then, in late January, I was able to read her and I was the stronger one of us.

I'll see what's coming up.