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4 years of on again off again / recycling. We have both broken up with the other several times.

The problem is... .I can not get her out of my mind no matter what I try, it is an obsession. I have seen a therapist and a relationship counselor about this and they both likened what I am experiencing to a drug addiction.  I have removed all reminders of her possible, but most everything in life seems to remind me of her.

We have tried several multi-month periods of No Contact, she usually initiates contact, though this last time, I am the one that initiated contact. After many texts and phone calls, I decided that the changes that she claimed to have made would not last long. So, back to No Contact.

How do I detach and not think about her almost all the time?

Oh man do I feel for you and I wish I had the answers. I too am obsessing over the ex.
 The things I'm really trying to hold on too right now... .
1.) Memories of the abuse. Lucky for me I have been journaling for years and the examples are MANY.
2.) The reality that my needs were not being met for a long, long time.
3.) The reality that she can not hold down a job and never made any financial contributions.
4.) The drug and alcohol abuse.
5.) The seething rage and devaluation.(see #1)
6.) The stealing of cash and resources to pay for drugs.
7.) The eating disorder.
8.) The years of living with eyes in the back of my head because I never knew when she was going to snap.
9.) The horrible way she treated her children.
10.) The off the charts deception
11.) The infidelity
I could go on but I'm sure you get the picture and can relate to at least a few of theses.

  If you never kept a journal you may want to start some writing now. It's great that you're seeing a counselor. Keep that up. I've found that I had some childhood issues that were mirrored in this relationship and will be starting EMDR therapy next week. My therapist also informed me, rather unfortunately, that because of the duration (10 years) and level of abuse, odds are that I have suffered some real emotional damage and may actually suffer from PTSD. Real nice parting gift eh? She also informed me that over 90 percent of the time that people with BPD do not change. Let that sink in brother. You don't want to end up like me. A shadow of my former self with a long road to go to recover.
   Yet even now, when she text, my heart skips a beat. Even now, when she has left me for another, I'll still respond. Even now, even though I know I'll get through this, there are days that she is all I think about. So I will reiterate your question for those with more experience to answer. Can we please have some advice on maintaining NC. Mine will text me late at night when she's alone. (It's excruciating for a borderline to be alone with their thoughts) She'll say things like "I'm undone" or "I'm lost" or "I'm so sad" and codependent me will try to console her. I've even offered to take her back. Good God what's wrong with me? Perhaps it's because I have forgiven her? Perhaps it's solely because of the childhood issues? Makes me feel sick. seems to me that when you need to break an addiction, you need to stop consuming that which you are addicted to. Could it be that simple? Hang in there and keep posting. We will survive!
-Sparky

I'm sorry you're going through this pain and the memories.

I'm not a very experienced BPD victim, all I know is, if you really want to go NC, you need to take some action.
You need to close the gate, get a new number and perhaps even get a new address.
Otherwise you'll be stuck and always have the risk of more contact, along with more thoughts, feelings and hurt.

Good luck and best wishes

--Sparky5

When speaking to my therapist I likened my relationship to having taken a Schedule 1 drug.  The DEA defines Schedule I drugs as  "substances, or chemicals are defined as drugs with no currently accepted medical use and a high potential for abuse".

This sadly is quite a good analogy.  She was, in reality, very dangerous to me.  Being with her felt incredibly good, but ultimately would have been extremely detrimental to my physical and emotional well being.  I was as addicted to her as she was to me. 

Since ending my relationship with her I feel as if I am coming down from an addiction.  Having experienced the soaring highs of idealization coming back down to reality has been troublesome.  Life feels a bit grey without her, but day by day it is getting better. 

I did the same as Sparky5 I have been journaling and made a list of her destructive behaviors.  I have to keep a weather eye on myself and remember I did the right thing.  The beautiful future I had imagined was a fantasy based on a fatal assumption -the assumption being she could accept my love and thrive.  My love, instead of making her feel safe and creating a loving home in which to heal, created fear in her.  The fear precipitated rage. 

The rage ensured the self fulfilling prophecy of BPD --abandonment.

I left, but it has not been easy.  Time seems to be helping.  I think of her every day, but it hurts a little less each day.  The compulsion to check on her fades a little bit each day.  I try to keep busy.  Walking helps.  Biking helps.  Reading here on BPD Family what may have happened if I stayed with her helps as well.


Wicker Man

youve been together a long time. theres a lot invested. the makeup/breakup cycles can really take their toll on us.


ever heard of the game where someone says "dont think of a pink elephant"? often the more we try to ignore these things, the more they persist.


NC can be really anxiety inducing for both parties. sometimes a person on the receiving end will ramp up their efforts to be in communication. and its often not so easy for the initiator of no contact, either.

sometimes it works better to simply "take some space" for the time we need, let the person on the receiving end know, and hold to it. and in some cases, its easier to detach slowly, by gradually being "boring", conversation with little or no emotion or relationship talk.

more here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way

how long since the breakup?

Every reply has helped more than you know, just by sharing that you too have experienced this... .It really helps me to realize that I am not imagining all of this... .

Yes, my therapist recommended early on in the relationship, he told me that I would not believe that it was happening unless I wrote it down as it happened.

I can not believe I have put up with for years. I supposed I had to "Hit Bottom" before declaring "I deserve better than this!"

Anything, everything, and NOTHING would set her off... .I had to learn to "walk on eggshells"

It was all my fault, I was to blame for EVERYTHING, and ... .  Gaslighting... .and ... .her going on and on and on and on about NOTHING ... .

yes, realized that I had and that I needed to work on some codependency related issues

Again, you have helped me by sharing, I hope that you continue to find some relief and strength in reaching out to help others on this support group.


Yes, we will! Thank You!

Thank you! Sharing your experience and about these things that have helped you... .
staying busy, walking, biking, reading here on BPD Family about possible outcomes if a non had stayed... .

Thank You!

Thank You! It helps me for you to share these comments!
NC has been hard on both of us every time, despite who last initiated the breakup. Detach slowly, LC Less / Limited Contact are good suggestions... .

Since the last breakup? 2 months

so is there any update? how are you doing, uni_all?

The support from you and others have really helped!  Thankfully, the near constant thoughts of her 24/7 has subsided for now and I know intellectually that NC is what I need, so will stay that course through following the suggestions from you and others. Thank you!

Hi & welcome, uni_all -

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. Many of us here can relate to having those obsessive thoughts. I know I certainly do. It's been almost 4 months since my BPDH left suddenly, and I still have near constant thoughts about him. Unfortunately I can't go NC with him bc we need to communicate occasionally re: divorce matters. I believe no contact is absolutely the way to go, and in your situation, it's entirely possible since it appears there is no reason that you have to communicate.

I'm glad to read your update that the obsessive thoughts are subsiding.  |iiii I know it sounds cliché, but time really does heal.

I would suggest reading over this post:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=324291.0
There are many good suggestions there for detaching.

Please keep us updated on how you're doing.
Wishing you peace.