BPDFamily.com

He said something like this (translation from our language)

"Well good on you, Tinder, suits you really well"
"Good luck with that"

So really sarcastic and kinda mean messages. He sent them at like 4 am in the morning. I think he found me on Tinder (he's on there as well, I found him on Saturday already). What should I reply to make him calm down? Or should I reply nothing at all? I really don't know what the right thing to say would be now. I don't want him to become angry with me. I just want us to stay on good terms. Should I say something about not wanting any contact? That would probably make him even more angry. Please help me!

Oh he sent another message. Saying something like "Sorry that I messaged you about this. Combination of exhaustion and frustration. You're fully in your own right to decide what you do with your life. I hope you can forgive me."

It's actually kind of hard to read that. It means that he's kind of grown up in comparison to how he handles this in past relationships (based on conversations I had with (people who knew) his exes). Which means that he's maybe more mature. Which means it's more my fault that this failed. Which means that there's a bigger chance of his next relationship working out.

Hi there blooming! How have you been? I just wanted to clarify the above. Would you mean "my fault" as in addressing him or would you be referring to yourself?

Spero

Ignore it, he wants a reaction.
Mine did something similar, the whole process played out again, and I ended up changing my number.
Nothing good will come of this.

Hi Spero! Always good to hear from you! I've been doing okay. Keep struggling with the same things (namely his relationship with one of his exes and how they lasted so much longer than us and blaming myself for things I could have done differently).

I mean my fault as in that it's my fault what happened between us. If he's doing better and is more mature than he used to be in past relationships, than that would mean that our relationship progressing/ending like it did was more my fault.

Yeah, I replied in a nice way, saying I'm glad he said sorry and that I didn't do anything with it yet but that didn't really matter. And I also said that I hoped he was doing good and his sister (she's depressed) is doing better.

He replied saying he's not doing well and his sister isn't either.

I said I was sorry to hear that and that I hoped that they  would slowly both feel  better.

Now he's talking about how he just fell asleep at his work because he's so tired.

So if I don't watch myself this can turn in a conversation again.

Conversation is already ended.

I replied to his message about falling asleep with "Oh that's not very good. Luckily you've got a long weekend coming"

And he replied with "Yeah but I have an exam on friday. And not really in a good state to study for that. I won't message you any more. Hope that you are doing well."

And I replied "Good luck with studying! Hopefully it will work out in the end. I'm doing quite okay!"

And that's how it ended.

I feel kind of weird now. Should I have replied with something like "Talk to you soon" too? Because maybe now he'll never message me again? It's just so odd that he's able to be so polite and nice to me and that it really doesn't seem to matter to him that we don't talk anymore. Because with his other exes he just kept on talking and talking to them. It's hard to realise he's grown up, because it means that maybe next time he will be able to have a normal relationship. It means that my chances of having a normal relationship with him were higher than they were with his other exes, but still I blew it. It's just hard that he finds letting go so easy.

Oh wait he replied again. He said:

I hope so. If you want to drink coffee sometime, that's possible.

I don't have to worry about you?

Pfff what should I make of that then.

It's mind games, they know how to put us into a spin.
One thing that struck me, these people are inherently miserable, and when you try to lift the mood, they suck you back in again.
Please, dis-engage from this person.
The pain I feel now, through no contact, is horrendous, but I am so relieved, I am not playing the game anymore.

"The English say, Talk of the Devil, and he's presently at your elbow."
--Giovanni Torriano's Piazza Universale 1666

A few days ago you were concerned because he had not contacted you -now that he has made contact I would ask you to have a sit down and really think whether he is someone you really want in your life.   

Would a relationship with him be beneficial to your future wellbeing?  Is this someone who can walk with you hand in hand on your life's journey?

Personally, I found the answers to these questions heartbreaking. In my case the answer was a resounding 'no'.  My ex-lover is an extraordinary human being who would have done me extraordinary harm.


Wicker Man

Dear Blooming,

Good to hear from you.


I'd say this with much gentleness, the time span of how much longer this new relationship lasted, is not an accurate comparison of as to why your relationship with your ex has ended. The flip side of the scenario might also be that this new girl that he was with, was perhaps more complaint and perhaps more willing to sacrifice her own boundaries to accommodate his.

So, blooming, don't blame yourself for how the situation has panned out for you, and for all the "what if(s)". We'll all go through the phases of "what if(s)". It isn't your fault solely that the relationship had ended and i do believe you did your best. It takes two to be involved in a relationship and, it surely takes two to make it work, but sometimes it is also possible that two compatible dysfunctions cause a relationship to last longer than it should. It may last longer, yet at the same time, the abuses goes longer as well.

I mean, you would not know if the lady is he is currently dating, is actually "happy". What you presently know is all that this ex has been "portraying" to you. How his new beau actually feels and whether she does have issues which then enable him to control her which would make the relationship last longer... .is really anyone's guess. In fact, i maybe so bold as to question his intention in "getting attention" from you again. I'd be a little cautious in beliving or trusting whatever he says.

And as others have already iterated, it does seem like he wants a "re-engagement" or is trying to stir your feelings. Just my thoughts about this .

Take good care, blooming.

Yours,
Spero.

Why allowing to be coerced into entering a fight if you don't want to have?
The moment you reply at all, you have signaled engagement.
What makes you think that anything you could say will "calm him down"?
Where did you get the idea he will ever not be angry? Has THAT ever worked before?
What exactly makes that YOUR job to begin with? Isn't that his responsibility?
Your responsibility is to LOOK AFTER YOURSELF and find a response or "non-response", that YOU can live with.
There is no "right thing to say" and jumping into searching for appeasement is the hallmark of an abusive relationship, which only your response allows to continue or not at this point. Why would you?
You should think long and hard about your next move.
I wish you the strength to be true to yourself. Any "partner" getting angry for the other one being appropriately confident and assertive has lost his mind and it's best all quick radical surgery from there imho.

It already has - since you allowed it.

Hi Wicker Man!

I think that isn't something that's necesarry for me to think of, because if he would have wanted a relationship with me again, he would have taken more action in the past 1.5 months than he did. Because that's what happened when he wanted to try again the last few times. He messaged me a lot more and asked to meet up a lot more and said things about missing me etc. He has done nothing like that now. So I don't think I have to worry about that. He's most probably already dating someone else.

Which new relationship do you mean? The relationship I'm talking about is one he had from 2012 to 2015. So it was a relationship that happened before my relationship with him. He told me during the course of our relationship that he would never get over her and I found a song he wrote during our relationship in which he said that she was his soulmate and that he "should have gone right but turned the left" which probably means he regretted decisions he made which led to their break-up. I just don't understand how they lasted so long together (with breaks in between of course, but still) and what made her so special and what I lacked. I wish I knew so I could have been a better girlfriend.


What do you mean with questioning his intentions about "getting attention" from me again? What do you think his intentions are?

I think he probably just wants me to not get over him and to not stop thinking about him. I don't think he's truly interested in a recycle (apart from the fact it's not something that I want). He's just being very cruel.

But wait, he uses Tinder as well you said?

Oh I get it, another low self esteem based projection of his own insecurities.

My ex bathed her life in sarcastic put downs, they are bullies who try to find a source to put down someone to make them feel superior, rather than to have a synergistic mutually beneficial relationship.

Its why you read that so many go on to take vexatious litigation against their partners, taking someone to court for that purpose is just the adult version of bullying.

Im not sure you are reading his emotion accurately, this is not likely to be a display of "anger" by him as much as it is just plain old simple "nastiness". This is not someone being needing "calmed down" as much as it is "lacking manners and respect".

Yes he uses Tinder too. Has done so many times in the past. Has dated multiple girls from there, some for longer, some for just one time. He was also on Tinder during our relationship, exchanging numbers with a girl and being very flirty and talking about meeting up. I found out about that.

It's interesting that he apologized before I could even reply though. Saying that it was a combination frustration and exhaustion and that he didn't have the right to do it and that he hoped I could forgive him. Does that mean he has clear moments or something? I don't know.

But you're right. He has a history of wanting to put his partners down. Controlling and manipulating them. He said he sometimes couldn't stand me, because I never got angry in return and he hated that. He felt like he couldn't win from me (which is of course not true, because his words still hurt me very much).

But why would he do it? Why would he message me about something like that? I just wish I could understand him.

Hated that he couldnt validate you as a bad person. Would have made all the cheating he did on you easier to live with.

I got millions of "sorrys" to the point of them becoming empty words, go-to autonomic responses. People who apologise are ones that can understand how they have hurt you. But it isnt an apology for that purpose, its not about making you feel better, its about making him feel better.

I often hear you comparing yourself with the other women in his life, I think very unfairly so, from a standpoint that somehow they had something better to offer. Please realise that if anything, you are better, because you didnt put up with it.

This put down followed by such a quick "apology" was done when he realised that it might cause you to have reason to discard him if you had the opportunity to reply. It is the equivalent of a bully making a cruel remark and thereafter saying "just kidding, dont be so sensitive".

Id reply something a long the lines of

"I want you to know your attempt to control and upset me did not have the intended effect. if anything it gave me more insight and empathy into your own problems that caused you to feel the need to try. I want you to know that I wont be carrying any of it with me and therefore your apology isnt required."

if you havent already, its been some days. theres no need to reply.

he saw you on tinder, got hurt, pouted about it, realized he lost his cool and was out of line and apologized. it happens.

it doesnt have to be more than that.

He contacted me again today. Asking how my weekend is.