BPDFamily.com

Hello to each of you! I came here looking for ways to deal (or not deal) with my daughter & her husband. My LONG story greatly condensed to bare facts is this:

*After many confusing years, I finally figured out my husband has traits of undiagnosed personality disorders.
*He sexually abused 3 of our 4 daughters, all of whom are grown. Our oldest is 40 & youngest is 33 yrs old.
*The oldest got it the worst and longest of all the rest.
*When our oldest daughter was 11, I gave my husband an ultimatum... .get help or I would turn him in to the law. He chose to work with a minister who didn't cut any corners with him. We were separated for 4.5 months. I know now that his counselling did not last long enough.
*We raised our family... .him doing all the rollercoaster rides of mind games and silent treatments interspersed with angry outbursts... .always blaming everyone else for his wrongness.
*I left him 4 years ago when he decided to take my keys and require me to ask permission to leave the house.

Here's where I need some insight and ideas:
The oldest daughter has sided with her dad and now I'm accused of being the sexually deviant one. My son-in-law is the champion of this viewpoint (which I'm sure my daughter is behind). They keep their 2 children very close to them (son 15 yrs; daughter 12 yrs.). SIL shadows me when I'm not in the group at a gathering... .working in the kitchen when most are in the living room; going inside to use the bathroom when most are outside, etc.

I just attended another granddaughter's graduation party this past weekend and experienced such an attack on my spirit, although no words were said in judgement this time... .just actions. I was shocked to feel the evil of sexual deviance trying to take up residence in my innermost being. I was NOT tempted to commit an act, but it was as if the evil itself tried to overtake my spirit. I knew I had to get away. Thankfully, I live 12 hrs away.

I came home knowing that my spirit needs protection in some way. I addressed their accusations 4 years ago, but it makes absolutely no difference to them... .they hold fast in their false judgments.

Next time a family gathering happens, what are some things I can do? Do I have to forever be the Bad Guy and be estranged from family when I was the one to hold it all together for many years?

I'm finally admitting to my broken heart!

Apologies for chiming in when I do not have a child with BPD.
I do however have an extensive history of living with/alongside persons with BPD.  Mom, sis, partners, friends, etc.

Firstly, sorry you are in such confusing and stressful circumstances.  I cannot even begin to imagine the angles and anger coming at you in this dynamic and also having to manage your own feelings in all this mess.

My first/only advice today is to know what is your responsibility and what is not your responsibility.

Simply put... .(but not so simply practiced)

Lesson 1:
Your feelings = your responsibility
Anyone elses feelings = their responsibility

Right now you feel your spirit is being attacked. It very well may be.  They very well may be venting anger and all kinds of feelings at you.  You even may feel guilty because of things that have happened in ways you wish they hadn't.

However... .
Refer to lesson 1
Reread
Repeat
Attempt to apply to situation

And continue to do this again and again until you feel you have neatly sorted out whos feelings are whos in this mess.

See if anything in your perspective shifts for you
See if you can identify who is responsible for what
(Always returning to rule #1)

Return to us to think some thoughts you are comfy sharing out loud so the community can gather round to help you sort it out some. :)

Oh, kinda felt it could be worth adding... .
As you do go through all the feelings of persons and begin assigning the feelings to who they belong... .

You must stay in the present.

Someone may be mad at you for not protecting them in the past.
The “mad” is their feeling.

Just because you may feel guilt does not mean younalso own the “mad.” You have to only own your guilt.

Is this making sense?

Would it be helpful to list the members of your family and label the feelings they typically have at a family gathering and just observe how these feelings belong to them?
(Just as a first step to help the immediate feeling of thinking you are responsible for everything... .because YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYTHING.  ... .in case u needed to hear that.)

Thank you for commenting, Sunflower. Your suggestions are new ideas to me and I will give them some consideration. I hadn't thought about breaking it down into feelings like you suggested and that may be helpful. However, I don't know how I can know what everyone else is feeling to be able to identify it.

Four years ago, my daughter and I had a meaningful conversation about her abuse. I held her while we wept together. I apologized for not knowing how to protect her and told her how deeply grieved I am that she experienced this and how sorry I am. That has made no difference. They (daughter & her husband) rigidly hold to their twisted views that ultimately I am the evil one... .the greater blame rests with me and not her dad.

She has twice taken what has happened to someone else or what someone else did and said it was me that did it. No explanation frees me of that condemnation. Now I suspect that she is taking what another family member did (in the sexual deviant category) and accusing me of it. It is a hard as steel situation with roots in her BPD way of assessing everyone & not ever admitting to personal wrongness, then her husband comes along beside her to cement every perception she has and champion her viewpoints.

So while I feel guilty over marrying her dad, I have no other real guilt. I have deep grief that it happened, grief it happened almost under my nose (while sleeping), angry he took advantage of times I had to be out of the house. I'm angry about it, but I can't take responsibility for his actions.

These words of yours are helpful: "I cannot even begin to imagine the angles and anger coming at you in this dynamic and also having to manage your own feelings in all this mess." Just to have my position validated helps. That someone else classifies it as a "mess" even helps! :)

Now, I've got to do something else for awhile and try to detox some more! Thanks again!

Take your time processing things.

Other members will chime in with different angles as well.

I hear that you really wish that all of the stress and drama would descalate so you can simply enjoy having meaningful relationships with loved ones.  (If im hearing it right)

If by “detox” you mean “get some space to think about what you feel”... .then maybe that is a better starting point.

Maybe forget how they feel for now and just focus on soothing, honoring and caring for your own feelings.

Maybe see what you can do to simply notice what it is you are feeling... .and leave behind all of “their stuff” and only focus on your own feelings being allowed the biggest space in your awareness... .then look inward to what soothing you may want to provide yourself?

Personally... .
I really struggle with self care.
I literally paid for a beach front hotel couple weeks ago, took my first mini vacation in years... .
Spent the time beating myself up in my head for shiz from ages ago that I didn’t resolve.

So... .
Not saying I got this shiz all figured out by any means.

But I am working on it.
I am working with a therapist to relearn how to stop hating myself and torturing myself with what I should have done, regrets, self hate, etc.

Cause I have hope when I can sit with my feelings, good and bad... .that then there will be greater peace and contentment within me.
Just is my hopes and dreams for now.