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I have scheduled a private meeting tomorrow with my spouse's doctor who diagnosed them.  My main questions will be around my getting educated regarding where he falls on the spectrum, necessary boundaries, treatment etc. If you could have a face-to-face with a doctor who works with personality disorders, what would you ask?  I want to go in prepared... .
Thank you!

Hi JerseyG,

I’d probably go in with a list of symptoms and examples…and keep an open mind.

What are you hoping to accomplish?

warmly, pearl.

I'm mainly wanting to better understand the diagnosis, and learn how to interact with him when I have to.  I am on full alert all the time when near him, mainly because I'm trying to stay out of FOG. I also want to know when my behavior is not helping his- if that makes sense.  We are separated and we're meeting 2x a month in a public setting with friends- to discuss how our therapy is going and to cover any other issues needing to be covered. The goal has been reconciliation if it's possible... .not sure it is... .

Hi again,  

Oh, I see, looking at some of your previous posts that your health has been very seriously affected by the stress of your relationship! I am sorry to hear this.

So, you want this information to help bring you some peace of mind? Have you had a chance to look at the information here on the site? Such as this:  Library Tools and Workshops (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0)

Understanding our partner’s behaviors helps so much! It also helps us to learn and relearn over and over how to better interact with them in hopes of reducing suffering.

wishing you good health!

pearl.

p.s. Also, it'd be great if you can follow up with us and tell us how it goes! Many of us don't get this chance and it would be very interesting/informative to hear how this goes!

So, I met with the Psychologist who diagnosed my husband today.  I came away with more affirmation than expected, and less new information than expected.  The doctor is leaning towards a Dependent Personality Disorder diagnosis.  He basically confirmed that my husband is FAR from healthy- which I knew.  The best course of treatment is psychotherapy with a move towards autonomy.  We are separated, but we still meet 2x a month in a public setting for 30 min. with another couple to discuss important matters- such as finances etc. since we are not yet talking divorce.  So how to severe his dependency is the question I asked.  Little to no interaction is the recommended course.  He needs to NOT need me before we could EVER consider marriage counseling.  The doctor said the issues are pervasive and the road very long.  Fear of abandonment is at the root.  I am his drug of choice. The doctor said at the end of his sessions with my husband, HE is drained.  He experiences the life-sucking behavior each week and showed me much empathy for surviving it for 34 years.  I am still in fight and flight and am triggered often... .so surviving is an appropriate term.  I need to heal.  We discussed some of the criteria separating BPD from DPD. He said all personality disorders share common ground... .and all parties suffer.  I left grieved for not knowing what was at the root all these years... .grieved for the loss of our marriage... .but left with a glimmer of hope that whether or not our marriage survives, we are both pointed towards our own healing.   

Hi JerseyG,

Thank you for coming back and sharing with us about your findings and discussion!

To become more aware I looked up the criteria for diagnosis and read this:

"The disorder is indicated by at least five of the following factors:

1. Has difficulty making everyday decisions without an excessive amount of advice and reassurance from others.
2. Needs others to assume responsibility for most major areas of their life.
3. Has difficulty expressing disagreement with others because of fear of loss of support or approval.
4. Has difficulty initiating projects or doing things on their own (because of a lack of self confidence in judgment or abilities rather than a lack of motivation or energy).
5. Goes to excessive lengths to obtain nurturance and support from others, to the point of volunteering to do things that are unpleasant .
6. Feels uncomfortable or helpless when alone because of exaggerated fears of being unable to care for themselves.
7. Urgently seeks another relationship as a source of care and support when a close relationship ends.
8. Is unrealistically preoccupied with fears of being left to take care of themselves."

And I read about the treatment:

"People who have DPD are generally treated with psychotherapy. The main goal of this therapy is to make the individual more independent and help them form healthy relationships with the people around them. This is done by improving their self-esteem and confidence.

Medication can be used to treat patients who suffer from depression or anxiety because of their DPD, but this does not treat the core problems caused by DPD. Individuals who take these prescription drugs should be carefully monitored as they are susceptible to addiction and substance abuse."

Are you hoping with treatment the marriage could survive? Is your husband interesting in healing/treatment as well?

Do any other members have experience with this disorder?

with deep compassion, pearl.

The doctor asked me if I wanted the marriage to survive too.  I can't even consider it unless there have been enormous strides towards healing... .and I feel safe.  I can't even think of it without my heart racing... .so I know we have an extremely LONG way to go.  My husband wants to come back- but right now it's because he's dependent on me.  The counselor noted that my husband is like a man going thru major drug withdrawal.  He's in panic mode.  Time will tell... .
Thank you for sharing the information, Pearl!

Hi Jersey G,

Can you please elaborate more about why you don't feel safe?

take care, pearl.

I'm talking mainly about emotional safety.  His emotional swings have been frightening and vary between rage to suicidal thinking, to extensive crying.  My husband battles with intense self-hatred and self-focus, and has come to me throughout the years for a physical, mental, and emotional "fix".  This reveals how unhealthy I have been... .for I felt it was my duty as a wife to do whatever I could to help... .but it was at my own expense. Being real... .

Hi Jersey G,

What do you think a more healthy version of you and your partner could be like? is your partner working on himself too?

warmly, pearl.

What's a healthy version of us... .good question, Pearl! Healthy for him would be where he isn't dependent on me.  For me?  Not a caretaker... .not operating in fear, not assuming responsibility for other's emotions and their process, and not feeling guilty for what is not mine to feel guilty for.  I need to grow in not caring so much about what others think.  This is some of what "being healthy" looks like for me!